Mental Health Dojo

I'm really sorry to read this @KiddMarine . My dogs are getting on a bit (both are 13/14) and I fear the day they will die. I don't think my heart can take it. I pray the last few days will be of comfort to you.

I have been meaning to update for a while, but life gets in the way. I will be doing this in a stream of conciousness, so apologies if it's rambly.

I'm *so* close to having my autism meeting...it was supposed to be today, but it got delayed a week. I am pretty sure my behavoiour patterns are on the spectrum, because I notice I operate on a certain patten and get upset when things don't operate in a certain way. I got "pinged" the other day and pretty much lost it during our team meeting. Thankfully I am negative and have no symptoms (and pray that it remains so), but it's also reminded me how lonely I feel within my team. I'm coming up to 14 years in my job and all the while my colleagues have bought houses, gotten married and have had children. I still live at home with my parents. I feel like such an outsider at work. I'm so grateful my immediate manager has been so kind and supportive and while there are no bad people in my team, I do genuinely think there is a clique-like nature and I feel excluded because my personality doesn't fit theirs. I also think my anxiety is stopping me from progressing in my career; i'm so frightened of being shouted at or criticised, I put up barriers or work so hard to avoid such things from happening.

With talking of houses in mind, i've finally taken the plunge and spoke to a mortgage advisor. I had to have a friend find one for me as I suffer from paralysis of thought when i'm confused about something. The meeting didn't go well at all. I was told my deposit was good, but my salary is the sticking point. I pointed out that I had a pay freeze for 9 years due to the credit crunch and that during the pandemic, I kept on working, but it wasn't enough. When I look at house prices, it makes me want to cry how criminal they cost. I live in the east of England and it is so expensive here; a flat is close to £150k...it hurts to think that after 10 years of saving (not to mention helping my parents get out of debt and getting a loan in my name), i'm no closer. I might have to go down the shared ownership route, but i'm hearing so many conflicting things about that.

I have some happy news in that my girlfriend seems keen to move back to England with me, but we worry about her getting a job (she currently works for the Pokémon company) here and how we will pay for things. If we could use her current salary in Japan, i'm sure we could get a mortgage together, but I don't think that's allowed. As tough as it is, we've talked about marriage and children; the former i'm keen, the latter less so. On a good day, I think it would be wonderful, but when I see how many terrible parents and children there are, the concept frightens me. We live in such an ugly world at the moment, I would be scared for his/her wellbeing. I also think that England is becoming a very ugly country to live in. We would also have to get used to being around each other after 2 1/2 years apart. I hope I can go to Japan beforehand so we can be comfortable again. Although our talks have been pretty intense, i'm glad we're taking things seriously. I am also proud of her, because her first book got published a couple of months ago. I want to help her flourish with her art and support her as best I can, despite my anxiety and low self esteem.

One thing i've noticed in recent times is i've come to many moments of clarity; my fear of dying (myself and those I care about), my lack of progress in life and most of all my self-aware nature which is a gift and a curse. I almost cried the other day when I thought "I wish there was more kindness in the world". I know the world is kind and it's the minority that isn't, but when I see bad people succeed (seriously, I think the government are corrupt and evil), it hurts.

I guess long story short, I really want to make some changes, but I fear that I am being held back by people in power or influence. I'm trying the best I can. I really am.

Thanks for your time <3
 
The house news is a bit of a bummer, but it sounds like things are going steadily-well for you, all told; that's great to hear!

And congrats on your G/F's book! What an accomplishment :D

Since you now know the news about your mortgage status, have you ever thought about relocating to the Nippon? If she works for Pokémon and she's illustrating books, that seems fairly-lucrative (I have 0 clue about job pay, etc.m, in Japan, I'm just basing off of what little I know) and it may help if you were able to go there...

...But I guess you would need to either speak Japanese or you could only become an English teacher; again, I'm not sure of Japan's industries.

Still, there will always be roadblocks, but keep on trucking, BCD; you're doing well! :)
 
KiddMarine said:
My dog's in kidney failure. He probably only has a few days left. My friend. I loved him as much as I've loved anyone. I'm not doing so good.
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So sorry to hear that. I had to put to sleep my Golden Retriever last year and it pained me so much as I've never cried as much in my entire life. He was the first dog I owned and one that I rescued. In his last week of life, I placed him on one of those foldable wagons as he couldn't walk anymore, and we took strolls around the city all day long, sighting seeing and having ice cream along with strangers patting him at every street corner. I still shed a tear thinking of him from time to time. I wish all the best for you and your dog and hope for a great time together for whatever time still remains for the two of you.
 
bcdcdude said:
I'm really sorry to read this @KiddMarine . My dogs are getting on a bit (both are 13/14) and I fear the day they will die. I don't think my heart can take it. I pray the last few days will be of comfort to you.

I have been meaning to update for a while, but life gets in the way. I will be doing this in a stream of conciousness, so apologies if it's rambly.

I'm *so* close to having my autism meeting...it was supposed to be today, but it got delayed a week. I am pretty sure my behavoiour patterns are on the spectrum, because I notice I operate on a certain patten and get upset when things don't operate in a certain way. I got "pinged" the other day and pretty much lost it during our team meeting. Thankfully I am negative and have no symptoms (and pray that it remains so), but it's also reminded me how lonely I feel within my team. I'm coming up to 14 years in my job and all the while my colleagues have bought houses, gotten married and have had children. I still live at home with my parents. I feel like such an outsider at work. I'm so grateful my immediate manager has been so kind and supportive and while there are no bad people in my team, I do genuinely think there is a clique-like nature and I feel excluded because my personality doesn't fit theirs. I also think my anxiety is stopping me from progressing in my career; i'm so frightened of being shouted at or criticised, I put up barriers or work so hard to avoid such things from happening.

With talking of houses in mind, i've finally taken the plunge and spoke to a mortgage advisor. I had to have a friend find one for me as I suffer from paralysis of thought when i'm confused about something. The meeting didn't go well at all. I was told my deposit was good, but my salary is the sticking point. I pointed out that I had a pay freeze for 9 years due to the credit crunch and that during the pandemic, I kept on working, but it wasn't enough. When I look at house prices, it makes me want to cry how criminal they cost. I live in the east of England and it is so expensive here; a flat is close to £150k...it hurts to think that after 10 years of saving (not to mention helping my parents get out of debt and getting a loan in my name), i'm no closer. I might have to go down the shared ownership route, but i'm hearing so many conflicting things about that.

I have some happy news in that my girlfriend seems keen to move back to England with me, but we worry about her getting a job (she currently works for the Pokémon company) here and how we will pay for things. If we could use her current salary in Japan, i'm sure we could get a mortgage together, but I don't think that's allowed. As tough as it is, we've talked about marriage and children; the former i'm keen, the latter less so. On a good day, I think it would be wonderful, but when I see how many terrible parents and children there are, the concept frightens me. We live in such an ugly world at the moment, I would be scared for his/her wellbeing. I also think that England is becoming a very ugly country to live in. We would also have to get used to being around each other after 2 1/2 years apart. I hope I can go to Japan beforehand so we can be comfortable again. Although our talks have been pretty intense, i'm glad we're taking things seriously. I am also proud of her, because her first book got published a couple of months ago. I want to help her flourish with her art and support her as best I can, despite my anxiety and low self esteem.

One thing i've noticed in recent times is i've come to many moments of clarity; my fear of dying (myself and those I care about), my lack of progress in life and most of all my self-aware nature which is a gift and a curse. I almost cried the other day when I thought "I wish there was more kindness in the world". I know the world is kind and it's the minority that isn't, but when I see bad people succeed (seriously, I think the government are corrupt and evil), it hurts.

I guess long story short, I really want to make some changes, but I fear that I am being held back by people in power or influence. I'm trying the best I can. I really am.

Thanks for your time <3
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What do you do for a living? If you don't mind sharing in a PM, it would be good to know what the mortgage advisor was basing his decision on salary wise. A mortgage is tough by yourself. I live in the cheapest part of London and it still cost me £285k for a 2 bedroom, terrace house.

I resonate with you when you say this country is becoming an ugly place to live in. As a father, I initially worried about the pregnancy, the cot death, autism (which my son probably has), bullying and so on; each worry coming as the child gets older. Now it's knife crime. I'm genuinely worried about my son approaching his teens and something happening because kids think they need to resolve matters with knives.

I've had a very stressful couple weeks. Nothing particular but just a lot of tension. Doesn't also help that my wife is acting weird with me again. We are not talking and I have no idea why. She's just being patronising towards me with every response ended by condescendingly saying my name or "okay" with a sigh. A lot of passive aggressive behaviour which I'm happy to ignore for the most part but does get to me when weeks later you want things to be normal yet she's still going on.

Still I hate my job. I'm leading in terms of target numbers but all this effort is in vain as I won't hit what is needed for bonus (no one ever really does. I've been here for nearly a year and hit bonus target once and seen another person hit it twice but the 4 others haven't hit it ever) .

After putting back all the weight I lost from eating well for a couple months, I've started back at the gym. Decent session (10 minute walk and some weights) on my break and looking forward to going back tomorrow.
 
Guppy said:
So sorry to hear that. I had to put to sleep my Golden Retriever last year and it pained me so much as I've never cried as much in my entire life. He was the first dog I owned and one that I rescued. In his last week of life, I placed him on one of those foldable wagons as he couldn't walk anymore, and we took strolls around the city all day long, sighting seeing and having ice cream along with strangers patting him at every street corner. I still shed a tear thinking of him from time to time. I wish all the best for you and your dog and hope for a great time together for whatever time still remains for the two of you.
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Thank you, I'm sorry to hear about your dog. They're just the best. Mine is actually still going fairly strong, the vet was surprised when I took him in for a check. Still going for walks, still eating, still himself. He doesn't seem to be in pain, so we're just going to keep going as long as we can.
 
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Since we're already talking about doggies, I used to have a very unusual relationship with the Man's Best Friend. My very first dog was a Dalmatian of an unusually large size. At the very beginning he was very happy to be a part of our family and liked the presence of almost everybody he met, especially me. This was way back between the years of 1999/2000 when I was just a 4 - 5 -year-old kid. Unfortunately he became a subject of violent bullying from some older spoiled brats and adults and as a result, his personality changed and he became incredibly aggressive towards us all. He started "vandalizing" our property, biting the postmen, relentlessly barking and behaving like a true "canine renegade". At one point I had to defend myself from him by smacking him on his head with a *cough* hammer *cough*, rendering him unconscious. It was that point in time that my parents decided to remove him from our household and through the passing years I started to realize just how much dogs care for humans.
I started researching the different breeds and fell in love especially with the fluffier ones, since they're (facetiously) considered to be more gentle and friendlier towards people, some of my favorite breeds are the Rough Collie, Chow Chow, Samoyed, Pomeranian, Keeshond, among others. In 2018 while vacationing in Croatia, my mom brought us an offspring of a Jack Russell Terrier (Somebody stop me!). I was initially reluctant, but as time went by, I became so used to him, that one of my grandmothers started calling him her "hairy grandson".

Anyway, moving on to the more serious things: considering jobs, did I ever mention that mine is actually the closest Shenmue-esque job I could get? A warehouse worker, yet I am a mentally handicapped individual, currently not capable of operating something like a forklift. This job could be worse, but it's better than nothing, especially when you live in a country where people with disablities like me are paid half the money than *normal* people and thus have to fill paperwork to get additional monetary compensation.

On the other hand, I've been trying to get into some new hobbies, such as cooking and video game programming, but every day I feel like I've been run over by a horde of elephants. The medicine I'm taking is only making me drowsier and drowsier and I have practically no energy to do any of this stuff. Oh, but there are some rays of hope! This week, I am going on a two-week vacation and so I might finally have time to do some hobbies after all.

I'll write to you guys again when I have time, until then, everything will be fine, trust me.
 
Just wanted to say a quick thank you to you all for your kindness (i'm very proud of this forum). I was going to hold off replying until tomorrow so I could explain how my initial autism meeting goes, rather than double post (although in doing this, I will essentially be double posting...dammit!)
 
bcdcdude said:
Just wanted to say a quick thank you to you all for your kindness (i'm very proud of this forum). I was going to hold off replying until tomorrow so I could explain how my initial autism meeting goes, rather than double post (although in doing this, I will essentially be double posting...dammit!)
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I went through this last year (or was it this year? time moves so oddly these days!) and it was fine. I had to do it over the phone due to covid, but it was basically just a case of the person asking "'I often feel like _____', do you strongly agree, agree, disagree or not sure". Only took like an hour.
 
I don't really know if this is the place to write this but I guess I don't know where else to put it. Today, I think a friendship of near 20 years officially died. Long story: my best friends grand mother who is 90 years old attempted suicide about a month ago. She's going through heart failure and I guess her internals are slowly shutting down and I guess she just couldn't take it anymore. My best friend confided this in me and me being in this state of -- I almost want to say disconnect -- perhaps didn't react as emotionally as she wanted me to about it.

I didn't think I was being cold about it, but considering this was a friendship I thought I could speak freely in, I tried to rationalise it and look at it from her grandmothers point of view. I can't remember even what it was I specifically wrote in the message but it was something along the lines of seeing it from her point of view and speaking as someone who has been on the verge of suicide, I tried to rationalize it from a perspective of "I understand why she attempted it and maybe she just wants it to be over already" It was something along those lines, I wish I could remember what it was word for word. I think I ended the message with "if this is me speaking out of line then I'll shut myself up." Or something along those lines, because I knew she was emotional and I didn't know how she would take my detached view point.

After that, she went silent for a month. I wish I could remember specifically what I wrote, but when she went silent, I cleared out my phone messages as a whole and lost what I wrote her. But the fact she went silent pretty much told me she wasn't happy with me.

Anyways, two days ago or so, she finally messaged. Basically she messaged telling me my message was hurtful and insensitive and she had so much on her plate and that was it. It wasn't even chewing me out angry. It was just curt and to the point. I messaged back that I was "Truly sorry for what I said." And that was it...two days later...radio silence and I've now been removed from her social media.

Cut to the chase, I think I lost my best friend of 20 years today. On the one hand, I feel a bit sad it ended even without so much as a fight. On the other, I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. The last 3 years, I feel we were becoming more and more distant as was. I always had an inkling she was losing interest in me and likewise with me. Maybe I was right all along and this was just the excuse to end it.

I've been through thick and thin with this person. Was a grooms man at their wedding. Seen at least 3 of their 5 kids from birth (yes, they had 5 kids in total)...I thought it meant something...that was until a few years ago when I had a back operation...not a single one of them came to the hospital to visit in an hour of need. That was the first moment I began to suspect something awry. Maybe it was me being dramatic, but I was kind of hurt they didn't show up to the hospital in support of something that was pretty scary to me. But I never let them know this and swallowed that lump and moved on. Yet a year later when she had her 4th kid and I was in Tokyo for a month and busy with life, she and her husband had a bitch fit because I hadn't been to see their 4th kid yet who had been born just before I left for Japan that year.

It got under my skin a little. I never once bitched that they never came to the hospital in my hour of need. But because I was busy living life and hadn't seen their fourth kid, she went out of her way to make me feel like shit for it. I guess that was when I started wondering if this friendship meant anything more.

We kept getting more and more distant. But this latest incident feels like it could be the end...I don't know what to do...do I message and find out more at the risk of pushing it? Or do I just drop it and call it a day?

I haven't been myself all year...I'm so emotionally detached from everything. But I really don't think what I said was that hurtful...I've said way worse to her in the past after she fell in love with my best friend when we were in our 20s (yes, it was one of those situations...two guys, one girl...both of us in love with her...heartbreak ensued on my end) and we overcame that.

I don't know...I don't know what to do...I don't know whether to push it in my current detached emotional state, or just accept it may be over. Maybe friendships don't last forever. Maybe people just move on differently...I don't know...I don't know what to do.

I just feel so detached emotionally in general.
 
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What you said was completely fine and perfectly-stated, especially since you know where they were coming from.

That pisses me off to high hell; completely rude and selfish on their part. It's almost as if she reached out to you to look for sympathy, instead of simply sharing the news; if mere words (that aren't even bad, in your case) are enough the end a friendship, then maybe that friendship is not as strong/valued as one might think. It does sound like this person no longer values you as a friend, from what you've written, despite you considering them as you always have.

An absolute shame :(

If it makes you feel any better, I too have a somewhat-similar sitch (the 3-person dealie and losing a friend, though the circumstances are different). Somewhat long, thus I apologise if it's wordy.

I met my wife in 2009 at the grocery store we worked at (and we went to the same highschool, though our paths never crossed as I am 4 years older) and I met a VERY good friend in 2011, in University (was not talking with my wife at this time; we only began talking and dating in 2012). She's a year older than my wife, similar interests and Southern Italian background (like my wife; I'm Northern, as you all know ;)), so all-in-all, we got along super-well in 2012 and we had a wonderful friendship. I started dating my wife in February of that year and I really could've chosen either of them: I know for a fact that if I chose the friend instead of my wife, I would be in the same place, with the same experiences and I would've had a great life with the friend, just slightly different. But I'm over the moon that I am with my wife and always have been, always will be :D.

After about 5-6 months of doing things together, going out and just having fun, she got a boyfriend who from the word go, wanted nothing to do with myself and my wife and the literally one time we met him (the night all 3 of us met him), he was a rude POS and didn't even shake my hand when I went to do so. Her being loyal and loving (at least, that was her intention), she complied with his wishes and we didn't even talk with her, let alone see her, until June 2015. She had finally broken up with him and IMMEDIATELY lol, she started talking with us again and we had our friendship again, picking up where we left off, 3 years prior (albeit, we didn't go to clubs or, "immature," stuff, anymore. I hated clubs and still do). She was super-apologetic and felt awful, because she knew she wasn't acting like a decent person, let alone friend and that the verbal abuse and BS she dealt with, just hit a breaking point. In this time, she reconnected with another old friend (who was more of an acquaintance) and we were on good terms with this person as well (we met via my friend, so it was the same origin that we knew each other), though they rarely did things together and my friend was making some questionable life choices (long story, nothing truly bad), but they didn't affect us and didn't adversely affect her life, save for maybe wasting time and money, so we supported her in her decisions; the acquaintance did not, but that's irrelevant. We moved to Calgary in January 2016, so we weren't able to see her anymore, but we still talked fortnightly, if not weekly.

While we were there, she got another boyfriend, a really nice guy that had been dealt a shitty-ish hand in life and had a family of very little support (he had really bad epilepsy, so he couldn't drive or work certain jobs he had training/gone to school for and was prescribed marijuana to medicate it, which, while it worked, it barred him from doing a lot of other things), so he was seen as a loser, even though he was a good guy who really did love her. They dated for around 2 years and when we moved back to Ontario, we went on a bunch of double dates, did things together and my friend was Bridesmaid #2 (the top one after the MOH) in our wedding. Everything was going super well, until her bday in 2018. She wanted to go to Niagara Falls for a weekend and not only was it a weekend where we had our (rescheduled 3 times) engagement photoshoot, but we were using every penny we could spare/save for our wedding, as my parents do not have money and my in-laws are awful human beings (well, FIL is, MIL just doesn't say anything/put up a fight), so we unfortunately couldn't make a weekend out of it.

The acquaintance suddenly jumps back into the picture, as she was invited to this weekend, but she also declined because she wasn't willing to pay the money to go for a weekend (this was in writing, in a separate FB group that she had made; I'll quote below). When my friend cancelled her bday weekend, she was distraught and sad, because nobody was willing to go. I had said to her that on that Saturday, we would take her and her b/f out to any place she wanted to go and we'll make a great night of it: she was willing, but too distraught to come up with a decision on what to do. As mentioned, said acquaintance started a FB group and invited everyone (5 more people, plus her) who was invited for the weekend, to, "do something to celebrate her day, because I feel guilty that we can't go. I mean, I don't have the money and I don't really want to go to NF lol." My wife and I said, "absolutely, count us in! Just 1 thing; let's try to do it on a Saturday, as we have our shoot for 5 hours (ridiculous, I know) on the Sunday, from 12-5. Before that or later that evening, we are free so if something is done on the Sunday, keep us in the loop!" She replied with, "great! We'll try and accommodate everyone."

They indeed book something for 4:00 pm on the Sunday and it was Medieval Times, Dinner and Tournament... like really? Not only do you pick something that she has no interest in, you guys purposely plan it during our appointment. Whatever, I reiterated (twice) that whatever you do afterwards, please let us know, because we want to join in. She replied she would.

On the Friday (my friend's actual bday), I drove the hour through traffic (usually only 25 minutes to get to her house), picked up a $35.00 bouquet of flowers, a $50.00 prepaid MasterCard and the card my wife and I wrote, then went to her parents' house, where her mother invited me in and I waited for a(nother) hour for her to return home from work (helped her mom with cooking and just talked, which I waited). I couldn't stay, as we had an appointment to see the house my wife and I were renting, at 7:00 that night (I stayed at her house until about 6:15 or so, from 5:00), so when she didn't turn up, I told her mother to, "please let her know I dropped by and that we brought this. I will talk to her later." etc. We were done at the place we looked at, at 10:00 and I hadn't eaten dinner, plus I was going fishing the next day (so waking up at 4:45) and was super-tired. She was not at a restaurant, even farther away, with said acquaintance and the rest of the people invited to that FB group. They took her out and didn't even let us know. When she sent a message at 9:30 or so, asking us to come and join, we couldn't, but we also had no idea about what was going on. We didn't end up joining them.

Sunday rolls around and the SECOND that we finished our shoot, I sent a text message to the acquaintance, to ask what was going on and she never responded, the entire night. My friend then texts me early the next morning (Monday), telling me that it was incredibly disrespectful that we never showed up and that we made no effort to do anything for her bday, as well she was seriously reconsidering being a part of our wedding, especially after all the work she had done up to that point (which was a lot, absolutely; the whole bridal party was all hands)... I remember being absolutely floored and sick to my stomach when I read those words, because it basically told me that she was considering ending our super-strong friendship of 7 years (at that point), especially after all the crap we'd been through together (which was mainly her own doing lol, but that's besides the point). I then copied and pasted everything that the acquaintance wrote to my wife and myself, including our responses (screenshots, so that nothing could be altered) and she was having none of it, told me off, didn't wish me a good birthday (mine is 11 days after hers) and went basically silent for 22 days.

In the end, she decided to stick in the wedding, but she never smiled for any pictures, she never had a good time, for all the events and things we did (aside from the wedding day itself) and was basically only friendly towards myself, not my wife. Fast forward 6 months after our wedding, she dumped her b/f, started seeing one of the groomsmen (my lifelong best friend) and when he called her out on her issues and stuff that we always supported her through and tried to help her through, she completely broke all ties and seemingly blamed it on us for introducing her to him (TF?). To this day, I still wish her a good bday and Christmas, she doesn't do the same and is short/curt with me whenever I do talk to her. She has completely ignored and treated my wife like crap since 2019 and they haven't spoken since. It's really, really sad, as we were ALWAYS there to support and help her (there are many more stories of the hoops we jumped through, for her), everything always went so well when we did things together and we truly had a wonderful friendship; after my wife, I considered her my absolute best friend on the planet (as my lifelong best friend had moved away at the time himself) and she considered me the same.

Now, the acquaintance has become her new best friend, even though they see each other literally once a month (the acquaintance goes out with so many more people consistently and does things with them, all posted on Social Media, so money or work or any other excuse, doesn't fly) and they just go out to dinner and that's it. I'm saddened by it, but have largely gotten over it and accepted our friendship's fate; my wife took it much harder and still feels massively-hurt and resentful over the whole situation, as she considered her like a sister. As for my friend, her life has seemingly become an empty shell, as she tried a Pyramid Sch- er, MLM makeup thing for a year and despite her putting her all into it, she (seemingly) failed at it and stopped that and you could also see she was depressed by it and her social presence (not just Social Media, but also attempting to speak with her, etc.) is nil it seems. My wife and I are still here for her, even after all the crap that has happened, because we did truly value her friendship and we do feel that the connection we had was fantastic, but clearly either my friend's mind and decisions were poisoned by the acquaintance (our stance on it) or she just didn't value the friendship as much as we did.

I sometimes think back to the night of her bday, if I did show up to that restaurant, even for just 30 minutes. Yeah I would've gotten 3 hours of sleep and would've felt like crap after all the driving, but would things have been different today? Who knows, but this was a sobering life lesson that just because you put in an effort for something, it doesn't mean that others will see and appreciate things as you do.

TL;DR: Friend of 8 years (at the time) had their mind poisoned by an acquaintance and let petty shit get in the way of our friendship, that no longer exists.
 
To further elaborate on this a little...I think the reason I've become a bit numb to all of this is that I've been dealing with suicide all year...not me, I'm not back at that state...I'm actually doing a lot better in my mind thanks to therapy. I've been going to group therapy at least once a week and I've seen the results of this pandemic have its effect on kids ranging from 15 to early 20s. I've known 3 kids from group who have actually followed through with suicide since March because they'd simply lost all hope.

It's something I've been dealing with all year thanks to group therapy...so when she actually told me about her Nan, I don't know, I just went into detached group therapy mode and wanted to talk about it openly. It was like a reflex as opposed to the sympathy shoulder to cry on route.

It's partially why I'm so angry with what's going on in my country right now...no one wants to talk about this shit. I know of at least three kids from group therapy who took their lives this year because they lost all hope of having a future. It's just a weird time all around and its something that I've almost had to detach myself from in order not to fall backwards. If that makes sense.

It's something I don't talk about a lot with people lately, but yeah, ever since my brush with suicide earlier in the year, I started attending both therapy and group therapy and I've seen at least three kids from group commit suicide -- I didn't know them too well but it was still rough -- so I've had to detach myself from the topic at times emotionally speaking because I'm afraid if I do attach emotionally then I'll slip backwards. But I haven't told her any of this because lets face it, she never asked. She knew I attempted last year. And outside of the first month of concern, she never followed up...so yeah....it wasn't something I brought up to her.
 
Yeah, it seems like she either has grown distant herself or she just stopped valuing your friendship as much as you did; again, not an expert, so may be wrong, but that's what it looks like to me...

And it's too bad. :(

OTOH, I'm super glad you're in a better place mentally, than in the past year or so; it's absolutely great to see people get better and to find a way to make things work for themselves (in this case, therapy).

Keep it up, Dan! :D
 
Sorry for the delay, but i've been feeling pretty tired. Indeed, I feel tired as I write this. I was gearing myself up for a walk and a bike ride, but by the time I got home, I lose my enthusiasm to cycle and have just sat in my room for an hour. I feel sad I couldn't do it.

So I had my autism meeting and to my surprise the meeting went on for 3 HOURS. I was expecting it to be an hour and we would talk over a period of weeks, but in a way i'm glad it was done in one hit rather than getting into a groove, running out of time and then worriying about what to do for next week. It was a very interesting session even though I sometimes struggled to hear (we still can't do face to face meetings) and the doctor was very kind and understanding.

So as it turns out, I don't have autism........................I have aspergers.

Now, I was quite frightened when I heard the term, because it doesn't sound very pleasant. It sounds like a wasting disease. When I was told that essentially aspergers is a form of autism where the indidivudal has little intellectual impairment, but has social anxieties that don't fit the norm, suddenly things made sense. I can see my behavioural patterns and sort of understand why I feel like I do; why I get angry at injustice, people who cheat, lie, steal etc; why I get upset when my routine gets changed; why i'm sometimes frightened of people who are difficult to read and therefore difficult to predict; why I sometimes wonder why I'm so often in tune with beauty and wonderous things and am unsure why others don't respond the same way.

I still don't understand the ins and outs of it and i'm waiting for a report (to be fair 3 hours of talking probably means there's a lot to process. I provided 25 pages of notes prior to this meeting too...), but I have told my immediate manager and some of my closest friends. Reactions have ranged from "well it was pretty obivous when you think about it" to "you're still the same Benji we've always known and loved". I have yet to talk to my family or my girlfriend yet and whilst I believe the response will be a positive one, i'm still quite frightened. Although the stigma has lessened in recent years, I still feel i'm quite a difficult person to be around and i'm scared it could affect my relationship when i'm trying SO HARD to keep things together after so long apart.

I know there was a comment about why I don't move to Japan and it's multiple fold. First of all, I've known people to do it and they have struggled immensly; i'm frightened of too much change; i've been in the same job for so long I don't know what else to do, but I also know my girlfriend loves the UK. She loves the countryside where I live and I do think she would love to come back. I would do everything I can to make her comfortable, but I pray that she will be kind and understanding. She knows I have anxiety and she has been pretty understanding, so i'm hoping this will be the same. I tell myself that it's not something new; i've always had it, but now i'm able to put a label to it and see if I can make some positive changes in my daily life.

It's weird that since the diagnosis I haven't really thought about it much. Normally, I obsess over things, but afterwards I just returned to work and cracked on. It's very unusual.

I think when I eventually come out with it publicly, people will be supportive, but at the same time, if they weren't, part of me would understand seeing as day-to-day life is often a struggle for so many. I hope i'll never use the diagnosis as an excuse for my behaviour, but at the same time, i'm hoping that there will be more kindness and understanding that I am different and I don't really understand how regular people live and work. I think it's why I get angry about house hunting, because the process feels unwieldly and obtuse to me.

I think the best analogy I can give is that I am a wonky jigsaw piece. From afar, I look like I can fit right in, but when you look closer, the joints are slightly wonky and mis-shapen. If you try hard enough, the piece will fit, but it will be uncomfortable. That's how I see myself now.

I just wish I could have a good cry, so I can let the baggage out of my system and feel cleansed, but i'm sad i've been unable to do it so far.

Anyhoo, I feel comfortable sharing it here, so thanks for reading~
 
bcdcdude said:
So as it turns out, I don't have autism........................I have aspergers.
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Aspergers is a form of autism so you are autistic, the term aspergers is not use a lot anymore. The DSM-5 had already dispensed with the name "Asperger syndrome", replacing the term with Level I of the ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), considered a lighter and more functional picture of the autism spectrum.


I have the same form of autism, autism is not a disease and we don't need a cure. We should not feel ashamed of who we are, we should not feel ashamed about the fact that we are autistic.

I know we have difficulties because we are autistic, especially about social things but it is not a disease, self love is important.

I can relate with you and i'm here if you need to talk about this subject.

I wish the best for you 😊
 
One of the main improvements I’ve had in my life that I made the decision to do myself was to stop thinking about the fact I had autism. I’d known about it since forever(got diagnosed real young) so it may be a bit different than finding out much later on, but there were a few years I really let it worry me to death about it getting in the way of a successful life. For some it might be a bit difficult to ignore, but I figure that for many, so many people are unique as it is that not many people will really notice unless you tell them, so what difference does it really make? People will like you or not regardless of any technicalities.
 
I found out much later on and to me was a relief because the puzzle was finally completed, i always asked myself why i am so different, why i am this way, so when i finally found out was a relief to me because with this i finally understood why i am this way, and with this information now i can try better to fight my difficulties so i can have a more enjoyable life.

A lot of autistic have problems (Myself Included) with getting a job, achieve financial independence, change routines, making friends and getting a girlfriend or boyfriend and much more, so when i found out i am autistic was a relief because now i know why i am this way.

This doesn't me my problems are gone, i still fight my difficulties, anxiety, depression and much more, but knowing i am autistic gave peace to my heart because now i understand myself more, i accept myself more.

It is important to remember that autism is not a disease and every autistic is different, every person is unique.

I would like to say thanks again to the staff here on the Dojo, the Dojo is one of the few places on the internet that i really feel welcomed, i can really be myself here, thank you.
 
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I feel the same as Hiki. Autism is a part of me; if I wasn’t autistic then I’d be a completely different person, someone who is less passionate, less determined, and not as genuine.

I’ve been researching autism for almost three years now, and the more I find, the more it makes sense and completes the picture of my life. I started by looking into Asperger’s, and at first I thought that’s what I had, but the more I learned, the more the term ‘autistic’ fit better than ‘Asperger’s’ ever did. Of course, I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet, (mostly because of lack of resources where I live) but identifying as autistic allows me to make peace with myself, and not having to hold myself to other people’s standards that I can’t meet. It allows me to feel comfortable being myself, without feeling like there is something missing.

Although, this week I’m finally going to talk to someone about referring me for a diagnosis, so hopefully it won’t be long now before I know for sure!

Hiki said:
I would like to say thanks again to the staff here on the Dojo, the Dojo is one of the few places on the internet that i really feel welcomed, i can really be myself here, thank you.
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Well said! I am really grateful for the community here as well, I don’t think there is a better gaming community on the internet right now.… Everyone here is so accepting and supportive; it means a lot, especially these days where everything feels kind of shallow and insincere. I love having discussions with the users here, even if I don’t reply as much as I’d like! :)
 
My dog died today. My best friend for 15 years. My special boy. I've never met a more kind hearted soul. I love him more than I knew it was even possible to love. He'll always be with me. My dear sweet friend.

I'm besides myself to be honest. I don't see how I can go on.
 
KiddMarine said:
My dog died today. My best friend for 15 years. My special boy. I've never met a more kind hearted soul. I love him more than I knew it was even possible to love. He'll always be with me. My dear sweet friend.

I'm besides myself to be honest. I don't see how I can go on.
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Sorry to hear man. Condolences all around
 
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