Mental Health Dojo

Hello there, been struggling significantly since 2013 but things became much worse during the pandemic. I was already dealing with obsessive compulsive disorder and severe anxiety. The beginning of 2020 was ok, I flew down to Colombia with my wife and then things changed after that

I see what this pandemic has done to my son, what its done to my mom and stepdad, my stepdad will never have the same quality of life and I feel terrible. He lost his biological son to a heart attack a few years ago, and his mom passed, he survived hepatitus and a rare form of leukemia only to be diagnosed with host versus graph disease, he nearly lost his life and is on permanent oxygen, I see it in his eyes the despair and the loneliness, a man that is waiting for his time. I try my best to comfort him, my wife the same. My mother is also suffering, she lost her job and dealing with many health issues and was diagnosed with skin cancer which turned out to be more severe than we thought and is going through multiple surgeries. My mom is 65 years old and I dont imagine she and my stepdad imagined this was what life would be like.

My family we have had some good moments, we got a 2016 honda crv recently, bought a house (we were very fortunate), ended up going full solar, my wife got a new job, I been working a lot of mandatory overtime and constantly in fear of losing my job. I do have backup savings and could support the family for about a year or more if needbe with the funds but my 401k cannot be taken out while employed, I have gold and silver saved, a bunch of collectibles and I figured if we needed to survive longer those options exist.

In the US gas prices are going up, we see more homeless in tents daily, food prices are going up to where its unaffordable, crime has also gone up. I been trying to prepare us by stockpiling emergency food kits, a garden, purchased guns, meat freezer in the garage. Additionally I did what I could to get my wifes family out of Colombia sponsoring them because they are our family and things are getting very unsafe there so my mother in law and father in law are living with us.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist, got switched off from zoloft to now being on Welbutrin, Paxil, Ativan, Lunesta, and I have gained quite a bit of weight. It does help with intrusive thoughts but just working all the overtime, most important I have a 3 year old son and I am trying to protect him from all the chaos. I do my best but the social distancing has been hard for him, the masks, he likes to help me with the garden and ride his bicycle, he is a neatness freak which is unique for a 3 year old, wants me to read stories before he goes to sleep and likes to watch me play games if I get time.

I think all of this is just building up and I legitimately feel mentally and physically exhausted. When I hit the bed, my eyes are just red and I feel like I struggle to breathe, even my cpap isnt bringing me much comfort. I keep my thoughts inside because any signs of weakness I feel like can take out the foundation. I am so focused on just preserving what we have but my mindset is that I am either going to just have a heart attack or mentally be so detatched that I just become mute and I dont want that. Everyday the media, the news its the same stuff...the price of everything, the markets, covid, like we are being punished and to talk about this, I think it upsets people or they feel like its just feeling sorry for ones self.

By Morning I just drink the strongest coffee I can, keep preparing ways to preserve and increase wealth, keep preparing and I think theres a point where some things are out of our control. I really just want to enjoy life, spend time with family, be healthy and give my family a safe loving home.

I know at some point, I am either going to get sick or be out of a job, when that happens, the inevitable will happen where money runs out, food runs out, etc. I learned a lot when I was traveling South America and poverty what it does to people. I been in that situation and I just dont want to end up like that again.
 
Sad to hear about the struggles, it's been like that everywhere in NA, in urban centres. I don't want to turn this political, but for Florida specifically, you can thank your previous, POS POTUS and the horridly-backwards and selfish politicians in your state, for the social divide that has taken place; the US is all sorts of ******-up right now, but Florida appears to be the most ******-up of them all (and has been since Spring Break, 2020). I block out all the media and crap; even if your co-workers/friends/family talk about it a lot, just block it out/change subject/busy your mind with something else. If you're on Social Media, spending less time on that will help as well and I've found myself spending less and less time on it (if you asked me this 7-8 years ago, I'd think you're nuts, as I figured to be working in the industry lol) and I have posted exactly 10 times on Instagram, since we purchased our house (March, 2019) and haven't even written a status update on FB, since literally 2016. And A LOT has gone on in life, since both of those dates lol. My advice is again, to just focus on what's important in life and forget all the outside noise; face the music when you cross that path, otherwise, especially if you've planned ahead, don't worry about what COULD happen, 5-10 years down the line.

Thankfully, it sounds like you are surrounded by a strong support-system and a loving family and that is definitely what is needed, in times of hardship. From what you wrote, I wouldn't worry about funds or jobs; unless you have a job that has been getting cut/made-redundant around the country, keep doing what you can and keep working that overtime! All of that helps immensely and with housing still being absurdly-cheap in the US, I think you'll be ok :) (be lucky you don't live in Ontario/BC/Quebec; if we waited even 10 months later than we did, we wouldn't have been able to afford a house and ours isn't anything special by any means lol)..

Regardless of the sadness and depression that exists, it looks and sounds like you have indeed created a safe and loving home and that you are spending time with your family; again, stay the course and things will improve.

And I applaud you for sponsoring your Colombian family: that is a wonderful and loving gesture and even if nothing comes back to you materially, either God/karma/whatever will see that you are rewarded for a selfless act as this.
 
Well today was fucking awful.
Following my Dad's death, my brother accused me today of not coming round to Mum's enough. This was despite the fact I'd come round today and a few times before that in order to give him a break (he still lives at home with her). Also, I live in another town don't drive, and own a cat, and I had explained to him that I can't always drop everything and come round instantly, as my partner often works late shifts. Apparently me needing to be around to feed the cat is a 'shit excuse' and it would be fine just to leave him go hungry for a day. I'm doing everything I can and have taken the train to come see Mum when I can, and I always call her regularly to check she's doing ok. But apparently in my brother's eyes this wasn't enough.
Things got quite heated and he ended up punching me repeatedly - I then got my stuff together to leave, quite shaken by the whole thing, only for him to follow me down the road and take my suitcase off me, demanding that I come back. I felt bullied and intimidated by my own brother. As it turns out, he had gotten angry with Mum earlier in the morning as she threatened to kill herself by at first attempting to overdose on sleeping pills, and then trying to slit her wrists - none of which, by the way, I was aware of until I came over this morning. The pills have been taken from her and she has promised not to attempt it again, but I am very wary about leaving her alone.
Eventually we cooled off and hugged it out, and he says that he is genuinely sorry. I accepted this, but deep down I am still quite pissed off and shaken about the whole thing. I just feel like I've been made to be the bad guy just because I don't live there and have a partner and a cat at home. I'm also not good with confrontation at the best of times, and I'm always accused of 'ranting and raving' instead of talking rationally. Perhaps if people actually listened to what I'm saying and not constantly talk over me, I wouldn't have to raise my voice! I feel like my whole life that I've never been allowed to be angry or pissed off about anything, it's always just dismissed as me being irrational, ranting and raving etc.
Fuck, I don't know. I'm staying the night and have agreed to be here tomorrow to discuss the funeral arrangements etc, but inwardly I am still angry about the whole thing. It just feels like I can't do anything right and people will always be pissed off with me for some reason or another, I can't win.
 
Well it finally happened, ended up in hospital 1 day before my birthday with skyrocketing blood pressure. Fortunately no heart damage but i have cut out all spicy food, most carbs, coffee, walking outside with the kid more. An injection of ativan helped too. I am out now, the drug abilify the staff thinks could have caused the spike. Apparently people have experienced atrokes and heart attacks on these meds.20211112_204954.jpgreceived_1071592836991042.jpegreceived_901451113816028.jpeg
 

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My sincere condolences go to @Miles Prower and his family for this tragic loss and to @pilman as well - hang in there buddy! Unfortunately, I once again have something to share with you guys:
This Sunday I had an argument with my parents about me getting a booster shot for this good for nothing virus. I kept telling them that I don't need it because I was vaccinated with Johnson & Johnson at 80-90% protection efficiency. Even though the same vaccine was banned in my country after the death of a 20-year old woman, who suffered massive brain hemorrhage from it, I had practically no side effects because of it and kept telling my mom (who happens to work at a hospital as a nurse!) that getting a booster shot is completely unnecessary. However, yesterday I had to take my chances and went to get the booster shot. I did it just because I wanted to have peace at home without my parents rubbing their noses into my business.
But wait, there's more: over a week ago one of my co-workers went missing for almost three days after he seemingly wandered away from his home. Thankfully he was not hurt or anything, but he always acts as if he's traumatized because of something, as he barely speaks with us.
Back to my personal life: I started taking diet pills as a result of a compromise between my work and my limited free time, and I am quite surprised that they actually work! I will need to work out though, but because of my diagnosis I keep putting everything on hold. Let's just hope I finally end up with some more free time so that I can start working on my looks and finally end up with a loving partner. But only time will tell.
 
In times of great trouble, despair and depression I always go back to this little poem by the Dalai Lama:

No matter what is going on
Never give up
Develop the heart
Too much energy in your country
Is spent developing the mind
Instead of the heart
Be compassionate
Not just to your friends
But to everyone
Be compassionate
Work for peace
In your heart and in the world
Work for peace
And I say again
Never give up
No matter what is going on around you
Never give up


~ Dalai Lama XIV


It helps me because it is so filled with warm heartedness. I wish you all a peaceful and blessed Christmas with your loved ones.
 
In times of great trouble, despair and depression I always go back to this little poem by the Dalai Lama:

No matter what is going on
Never give up
Develop the heart
Too much energy in your country
Is spent developing the mind
Instead of the heart
Be compassionate
Not just to your friends
But to everyone
Be compassionate
Work for peace
In your heart and in the world
Work for peace
And I say again
Never give up
No matter what is going on around you
Never give up


~ Dalai Lama XIV


It helps me because it is so filled with warm heartedness. I wish you all a peaceful and blessed Christmas with your loved ones.
This really helped me today, thank you. With my dad passing away and various other things going wrong in my life this year, I’m so done with 2021, praying 2022 will be better 🙏
 
I was never good at reassuring platitudes or other niceties and I will not try to do so here, but for what it is worth, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Godspeed to you and your family in these hard times my friend.
 
I’ve got to be honest; this week has been a bad week where I’ve been mostly bed ridden. I don’t know, I’m going through my usual state of feeling down and struggling to find reason in anything.

Don’t worry too much. I’m very much prone to bouts of severe depression. The longest I’ve spent shut away in my room hiding under the sheets was about a week and a half. Just trapped inside.

This happens every now and then with me. I just struggle to find reason and go to a very self defeating and dark place in general. And yet, next week I could be back to motivated again ready to take on the world.

I’ve been thinking about going back to Anti depressants; I don’t really like using them. I haven’t used them in 5 years but I am at a point of thinking I should go back on them if it will even me out again. I just hated the headaches they’d sometimes give me.

I don’t know. People don’t get it. My parents certainly don’t. But I do enter the darkest of places where I struggle to find a reason to keep going sometimes. And this week has been a bit of that.

Don’t worry; I’m not suicidal or anything but yeah, just at that place of feeling completely empty.
 
I was never good at reassuring platitudes or other niceties and I will not try to do so here, but for what it is worth, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Godspeed to you and your family in these hard times my friend.

:eek: a Sonikku sighting! Good to know all is well :)

I’ve got to be honest; this week has been a bad week where I’ve been mostly bed ridden. I don’t know, I’m going through my usual state of feeling down and struggling to find reason in anything.

Don’t worry too much. I’m very much prone to bouts of severe depression. The longest I’ve spent shut away in my room hiding under the sheets was about a week and a half. Just trapped inside.

This happens every now and then with me. I just struggle to find reason and go to a very self defeating and dark place in general. And yet, next week I could be back to motivated again ready to take on the world.

I’ve been thinking about going back to Anti depressants; I don’t really like using them. I haven’t used them in 5 years but I am at a point of thinking I should go back on them if it will even me out again. I just hated the headaches they’d sometimes give me.

I don’t know. People don’t get it. My parents certainly don’t. But I do enter the darkest of places where I struggle to find a reason to keep going sometimes. And this week has been a bit of that.

Don’t worry; I’m not suicidal or anything but yeah, just at that place of feeling completely empty.

Acknowledgement is always the first step to healing, so the fact that you have been cognizant of this for a while, shows that you'll be ok, Dan.

You may struggle (as you've mentioned), but you know what you need to do.

On a personal note, I tend to shake off any negativity and deal with it and move forward, but I will say that a good 1/3 of my duties has been chucked away from me at work and as a result, I am not, "eligible," to be paid at the rate I'm currently being paid at. This could lead to a wage decrease (almost guaranteed, which would happen in Q1 next year) and losing my job altogether.

And the reasoning behind it is complete BS; we are literally the only financial institution in CANADA to have made the change that we did and it isn't a good one, as the change has effectively put us back to banking in the 1990s or earlier (not one word of a lie).

Horrible leadership, IMO, is the responsibility of 75% of all incompetency in the world (mainly due to the fact that leadership is incompetent, in most cases) and I'm going through that right now; I have 0 idea of what 2022 holds, but unless these people get punted or I find a better job, there is no longer any future with my company, which I couldn't even fathom just 6 months ago, when my old boss left (have been here for 4+ years, so this is definitely a recent trend).
 
I was never good at reassuring platitudes or other niceties and I will not try to do so here, but for what it is worth, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Godspeed to you and your family in these hard times my friend.
Thanks, and good to see you! Hope life is treating you ok
@danielmann861 I find myself in a very similar place often, have you ever considered therapy? (sorry to ask this if you have). I found it really helped me recently, even if it was over a series of Microsoft Teams video calls rather than face to face...
 
This really helped me today, thank you. With my dad passing away and various other things going wrong in my life this year, I’m so done with 2021, praying 2022 will be better 🙏
Glad to hear that it helped you a little. And thank you for sharing. Have a nice weekend and take good care.
 
Thanks, and good to see you! Hope life is treating you ok
@danielmann861 I find myself in a very similar place often, have you ever considered therapy? (sorry to ask this if you have). I found it really helped me recently, even if it was over a series of Microsoft Teams video calls rather than face to face...
I do actually go to therapy...it does help, but there are still these times where I feel incredible despair and just lose a lot of hope in general. It comes and goes in waves. I can have months of feeling up...and then it will suddenly hit and I will lose a lot of motivation and will to do anything. And then I feel guilty, then I get down and just struggle to find reason.

It comes and goes.
 
On 16th December, my mum took the unfortunate decision to taker her own life - I guess losing my Dad was just too much to bear for her. My brother was the unfortunate one who had to find her. I really thought she'd pull through for her grandaughter (my niece) who's only 6, even if not for me or my brother, but I guess I was wrong :(
I'm currently off work but will be beginning a 'phased return' starting next week - I do an admin job from home and luckily I have a really caring and understanding boss who doesn't want me to rush back full tilt. There's just so many things me and my brother need to sort out though (including yet another funeral), Mum and Dad's house has been left to us in the will but neither of us want to live there, so will be looking to sell (never sold a house before so have no idea where to start!)
I am starting bereavement counselling next week, some days I'm ok but others I just feel so adrift, so angry. My initial reaction to hearing what Mum did was anger, to be honest (which I'm assured is normal), I was shouting and screaming and calling her a selfish bitch and all sorts. I get why she did it, I do understand and I hope someday I can find it in me to forgive her, but it just makes me feel like me and my brother, her two sons, didn't even matter in the long run. We both did everything we could to make it easier for Mum but I'll forever be wondering if I could have done more. The last time I spoke to her was the night before she did it, she seemed fine but looking back on it she did kind of rush me off the phone. She was receiving help from a crisis team (this was after an incident in November where I had to physically restrain her to stop her from killing herself and call the police), and they were giving her medication to help with her mood, but I think at some point she just stopped engaging with the help and stopped taking the tablets.
So yeah, it's all a bit of a whirlwind right now. 2021 was undoubtedly the worst year of my life. I so want 2022 to be better for my own sanity's sake.
 
On 16th December, my mum took the unfortunate decision to taker her own life - I guess losing my Dad was just too much to bear for her. My brother was the unfortunate one who had to find her. I really thought she'd pull through for her grandaughter (my niece) who's only 6, even if not for me or my brother, but I guess I was wrong :(
I'm currently off work but will be beginning a 'phased return' starting next week - I do an admin job from home and luckily I have a really caring and understanding boss who doesn't want me to rush back full tilt. There's just so many things me and my brother need to sort out though (including yet another funeral), Mum and Dad's house has been left to us in the will but neither of us want to live there, so will be looking to sell (never sold a house before so have no idea where to start!)
I am starting bereavement counselling next week, some days I'm ok but others I just feel so adrift, so angry. My initial reaction to hearing what Mum did was anger, to be honest (which I'm assured is normal), I was shouting and screaming and calling her a selfish bitch and all sorts. I get why she did it, I do understand and I hope someday I can find it in me to forgive her, but it just makes me feel like me and my brother, her two sons, didn't even matter in the long run. We both did everything we could to make it easier for Mum but I'll forever be wondering if I could have done more. The last time I spoke to her was the night before she did it, she seemed fine but looking back on it she did kind of rush me off the phone. She was receiving help from a crisis team (this was after an incident in November where I had to physically restrain her to stop her from killing herself and call the police), and they were giving her medication to help with her mood, but I think at some point she just stopped engaging with the help and stopped taking the tablets.
So yeah, it's all a bit of a whirlwind right now. 2021 was undoubtedly the worst year of my life. I so want 2022 to be better for my own sanity's sake.
I'm so sorry, Miles.
 
On 16th December, my mum took the unfortunate decision to taker her own life - I guess losing my Dad was just too much to bear for her. My brother was the unfortunate one who had to find her. I really thought she'd pull through for her grandaughter (my niece) who's only 6, even if not for me or my brother, but I guess I was wrong :(
I'm currently off work but will be beginning a 'phased return' starting next week - I do an admin job from home and luckily I have a really caring and understanding boss who doesn't want me to rush back full tilt. There's just so many things me and my brother need to sort out though (including yet another funeral), Mum and Dad's house has been left to us in the will but neither of us want to live there, so will be looking to sell (never sold a house before so have no idea where to start!)
I am starting bereavement counselling next week, some days I'm ok but others I just feel so adrift, so angry. My initial reaction to hearing what Mum did was anger, to be honest (which I'm assured is normal), I was shouting and screaming and calling her a selfish bitch and all sorts. I get why she did it, I do understand and I hope someday I can find it in me to forgive her, but it just makes me feel like me and my brother, her two sons, didn't even matter in the long run. We both did everything we could to make it easier for Mum but I'll forever be wondering if I could have done more. The last time I spoke to her was the night before she did it, she seemed fine but looking back on it she did kind of rush me off the phone. She was receiving help from a crisis team (this was after an incident in November where I had to physically restrain her to stop her from killing herself and call the police), and they were giving her medication to help with her mood, but I think at some point she just stopped engaging with the help and stopped taking the tablets.
So yeah, it's all a bit of a whirlwind right now. 2021 was undoubtedly the worst year of my life. I so want 2022 to be better for my own sanity's sake.
I'm sorry to hear this. keep your head up Miles. They say time eventually heals all wounds. I would normally say don't be angry about it. But, you have a right to be angry about it. Just make sure you don't let the anger consume you and prevent you from living life. Take your time, and wish for things to get better. if ya ever wanna unload, I'd be willing to listen buddy. Godspeed.
 
On 16th December, my mum took the unfortunate decision to taker her own life - I guess losing my Dad was just too much to bear for her. My brother was the unfortunate one who had to find her. I really thought she'd pull through for her grandaughter (my niece) who's only 6, even if not for me or my brother, but I guess I was wrong :(
I'm currently off work but will be beginning a 'phased return' starting next week - I do an admin job from home and luckily I have a really caring and understanding boss who doesn't want me to rush back full tilt. There's just so many things me and my brother need to sort out though (including yet another funeral), Mum and Dad's house has been left to us in the will but neither of us want to live there, so will be looking to sell (never sold a house before so have no idea where to start!)
I am starting bereavement counselling next week, some days I'm ok but others I just feel so adrift, so angry. My initial reaction to hearing what Mum did was anger, to be honest (which I'm assured is normal), I was shouting and screaming and calling her a selfish bitch and all sorts. I get why she did it, I do understand and I hope someday I can find it in me to forgive her, but it just makes me feel like me and my brother, her two sons, didn't even matter in the long run. We both did everything we could to make it easier for Mum but I'll forever be wondering if I could have done more. The last time I spoke to her was the night before she did it, she seemed fine but looking back on it she did kind of rush me off the phone. She was receiving help from a crisis team (this was after an incident in November where I had to physically restrain her to stop her from killing herself and call the police), and they were giving her medication to help with her mood, but I think at some point she just stopped engaging with the help and stopped taking the tablets.
So yeah, it's all a bit of a whirlwind right now. 2021 was undoubtedly the worst year of my life. I so want 2022 to be better for my own sanity's sake.
My sincere condolences to you and your brother. I just wish I could help you in any way other than writing you these messages of support. May them both rest in peace.
 
Saw your posts on Twitter when it happened and felt just gutted (I believe I responded to it as well). I am glad you're doing your best to make the best of what is a horrific situation, that no one should have to go through. If there is a positive (or two) to take from this, it is that your mother isn't going to have these thoughts and worries anymore and that hopefully she is resting peacefully.

The second is that now you will have a bit of money to improve some things; nobody wants to acquire funds in a manner such as this, but this can help pay off any debts and allow for improvements in life that only money can fix. In a way, one can think of this as your mother's way of helping you and your brother.

Keep healthy and strong; again, it's a shitty situation, but you seem to be handling it with strength, intelligence and calm and that's all you can do. Nowhere to go but forward and up, at this point.

You can do it, Miles!
 
All the best Miles. Sorry for the more practical as opposed to emotional advice...

Regarding selling the house:

  1. May be worth thinking about whether it's worth selling or renting. Selling you'll get the lump sum, but renting will provide you and your brother with regular income. Especially if you're in London, you could always rent for a few years and sell when prices go up even more.
  2. It's probably easier to go through an estate agent. Anything above 1% commission is a rip off, go for the most reputable, not the one claiming to get the highest price and also check online estate agents too who will have a fixed fee instead of commission.
  3. Find a reputable conveyancing solicitor. Google Review etc. should do the trick.
All the best
 
Saw your posts on Twitter when it happened and felt just gutted (I believe I responded to it as well). I am glad you're doing your best to make the best of what is a horrific situation, that no one should have to go through. If there is a positive (or two) to take from this, it is that your mother isn't going to have these thoughts and worries anymore and that hopefully she is resting peacefully.

The second is that now you will have a bit of money to improve some things; nobody wants to acquire funds in a manner such as this, but this can help pay off any debts and allow for improvements in life that only money can fix. In a way, one can think of this as your mother's way of helping you and your brother.

Keep healthy and strong; again, it's a shitty situation, but you seem to be handling it with strength, intelligence and calm and that's all you can do. Nowhere to go but forward and up, at this point.

You can do it, Miles!
Yes, as morbid as it sounds I can take some comfort in the fact I will finally feel more financially secure from all this. Buying a house and being able to go on nice holidays seemed like a pipe dream for so long, but it feels a bit more within grasp now. And even just to pay off my credit card and not feel like every month is a constant struggle until pay day...
Yes, in some ways I am relieved she isn't in pain anymore - she just became this total husk of her former self who just didn't see a future without her husband of 40 years (and they'd both gone to the same boarding school before that).
Thank you for the kind words and motivation. It is shit, but I know in time I'll come out of the other side. I feel closer to my brother now than I perhaps did before.
 
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