- Joined
- Jul 27, 2018
- Location
- Kent, England
You are watching a Shenmue Dojo TV broadcast, this broadcast has been censored and edited for your own protection.
Pre Show
Welcome to the red carpet coverage for the 2019 Dojo Awards for the Shenmue Dojo the greatest Shenmue community for the greatest series ever to be made by the great and respected within the Shenmue community Shenmue Dojo. With the release of the greatest game of all time Shenmue III tonight promises to be the best Dojo Awards yet. We already have our first people on the Red Carpet so we’re now cutting to @Spaghetti who is with the Metacrtic rally squad.
@Spaghetti: I’m here with the metacritic squad who’ve been posting 10’s on Metacritic to help Shenmue 3, so tell us why did you decide this needed to be done because Shenmue 3 is already the best game ever?
@Sput: Some people who had never played Shenmue 3 because they’re scum decided to hit the page with 0’s before even playing it. You can’t judge a game before you’ve played it so we decided we best spam the page with 10’s after playing it for 5 minutes and realising what genius the game is and what a genius Yu is.
@Spaghetti: What is with the Love Thy Sister shirts?
@Reprise: Shenmue is like family to us! Yu is a God so we decided to do a spin on Love Thy Neighbour. It would be weird to love your father or brother like we do Shenmue but we thought loving your sister that way isn't weird.
We will now go to a break but stay tuned to Shenmue Dojo TV for the 8th Annual Dojo Awards.
Ad Break
We all are worried about the scary people in the world. The people out there who hate Shenmue and want it to fail. The uneducated scum who don’t understand true art and only like crap like Call of Duty. That is why the Shenmue Dojo is protecting you with it’s reeducation camps so that people with incorrect opinions will learn the error of their ways before they can be integrated back into the Dojo community.
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These people look harmless enough and look just like us, but they hate Shenmue and must be stopped. If you are aware of any member of the Dojo who does not think Shenmue 3 is the best game ever you should immediately notify a Mod so that they can be transported to one of our reeducation camps before any harm comes to you or your fellow neighbours. They will immediately be taken and made to feel embarrassed for the error of their ways. Here are some words from people previously involved in our reeducation program:
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@Myshtuff: I awake at 6AM every day and after eating breakfast I have to play Shenmue 3 until midnight every day. I am told that I will be released once I have all the herb picking and fishing trophies and come to my senses and admit that Shenmue 3 is the best game ever.
@TwiceFriedRice: I once said I didn’t like the story of Shenmue 3 and spent a week being reeducated. If I found anything I felt was badly written or badly acted I am struck with a cane until I come to my senses and explain why this was actually intentional by Yu and not just bad.
Do not fear, those who can not be saved are dealt with in a reasonable manner.
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WE NOW RETURN TO THE DOJO AWARDS RED CARPET
It seems that @Peter and the mods @spud1897, @ShenSun and @Henry Spencer are now heading inside so we will follow them as the show is just starting.
The 2019 8th Annual Dojo Awards!!!
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Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the 2019 9th Annual Dojo Awards live from the Kodak theatre. We've got a heck of a show for you tonight so let's get started.
*Riku Rose walks out on stage*
Riku Rose:
“I was just told that due to Caitlin Jenner not having played Shenmue 3 she wouldn’t be allowed to host the awards as she is now in a reeducation camp. I’m not really sure what to say in that case so I thought I would read some messages I recived each one is from different people who posted here for years and won't now even after the long wait for Shenmue 3 to show why this place feels dead outside a Shenmue topic.”
Please see below for the list of previous winners:
We apologize for any distress caused, we can assure you that the rest of the show will be have no outbreaks from anyone. We have now got a host for you that will not provide anything to over the top or exciting, we will keep it very bland for you. Please put your hands together for your host Jimmy Fallon!
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Jimmy Fallon:
Wow, wow, wow. Thanks guys, you’re amazing. I love you all, Wow. I love Shenmue 3 and it’s the best game ever. I love it. Wow.
Let’s get this show on the road. To present the first award which is Game of the Year we have two people who haven’t played a game since 2001 since Shenmue 2 was the last good game.
Warren Beatty:
As we know Shenmue 3 will win this award.
GOTY
In 3rd Place - Resident Evil 2
In 2nd Place - Judgment
In 1st Place:
Death Stranding
Warren Beatty:
What? Shenmue 3 didn’t win? We can assure you folks that we will look into everyone who voted and send the people who didn’t vote for Shenmue 3 to the reeducation camps.
Warren Beatty:
What? Shenmue 3 didn’t win? We can assure you folks that we will look into everyone who voted and send the people who didn’t vote for Shenmue 3 to the reeducation camps.
Jimmy Fallon:
Next is the biggest Buzzkill Award so to kill the mood we’re going to do some forced diversity for you all since everyone loves that:
Kate McKinnon:
Don’t worry guys I won’t fuck this up like I did with Ghostbusters:
Buzz Killington:
In 3rd Place - @DigitalDuck
In 2nd Place - @Nathanial Essex
In 1st Place -
Jimmy Fallon:
For the biggest bully award we have a bunch of beautiful women who are millionaires to tell you how tough it is being them in a male industry.:
Salma Hayek:
I hope you’re happy, you’re disgusting white men bullies:
Biggest Bully:
In 3rd Place - @Reprise
In 2nd Place - @ShenSun
In 1st Place -
Jimmy Fallon:
For the Biggest Punchbag we have a woman who will say how terrible it is you’re bullied and a guy who will hurt you if you go near her:
Taylor Swift:
It’s a shame that people are mean to you all and I’m super sad about it, Anyway:
Biggest Punchbag:
In 3rd place - @高野和泉
In 2nd Place - @Nathanial Essex
In 1st Place:
Jimmy Fallon:
For the funniest award we have the hilarious Amy Poehler and a woman who has been in some funny things but isn’t that funny herself:
Amy Poehler:
Being funny around here isn’t too hard these days. “You dislike Shenmue? Go play GTA LOL”
Funniest Member:
In 3rd Place - @Let's Get Sweaty
In 2nd Place - @SCQ
In 1st Place:
Jimmy Fallon:
Next is the coolest member award so we have the only celebrity who’s done anything funny or cool since Trump got elected.
Ricky Gervais:
Fuck off:
Coolest Member:
In 3rd Place - @SCQ
In 2nd Place - @Bambi
In 1st place:
Jimmy Fallon:
It wouldn’t be the Dojo Awards without Kiba to present the worst member award:
Kiba:
Don’t be brainwashed Shenmue 3 isn’t th!
Worst Member:
In 3rd Place - @DigitalDuck
In 2nd Place - @Van Joel Sandwich
In 1st Place:
Jimmy Fallon:
Now we have the final award, best member. Since it’s the year of Shenmue 3’s release we had to get the legend that brought us this gift. He was unable to make it but has sent us a video message.
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Member of the year:
In 3rd Place - @Amir
In 2nd Place - @Rakim
The Member of the year is:
Jimmy Fallon:
What a show guys, of course it doesn’t end there. Please put your hands together for Tony Lewis
Have a great night
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