Mental Illness

pilman

pilman

A mind as clear as a polished mirror
Joined
Jul 27, 2018
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Florida
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Shenmue II
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Yakuza Zero
I wanted to share this story as I feel more comfortable here discussing this.

Back in 2014 I was diagnosed with Harm OCD which has made my life a literal living hell. Imagine everyday and when you sleep having voices repeat things in your head making you doubt everything and intrusive thoughts that flash randomly of things you are morally objected too and then questioning your decisions, not remembering things and your brain fills in those gaps with false memories.

To sum it up, that gives a brief overview of Harm OCD. I attempted to taper off Zoloft/SSRIs because it was turning me into a zombie and I blew up in weight to 300 pounds. I cut down to 100 mg and at first I felt a flood of memories but after 2 weeks started to feel creative, intellectual and very positive things were going so great that I cut down to 75 mg and cut my ativan, then to 50. Well I never realized how dependent the brain is on this stuff because I started having the absolute worst panic attacks I had ever experienced.

For absolutely no reason, I would feel my heart speed up and slow down non stop, insomnia, I had issues breathing where my neck throat and chest would swell and just a range of emotions to a point of complete fear and worrying about or obsessing over thoughts. I ended up having to go back to 100 mg zoloft and the ativan which absolutely sucks.

The issue with mental illness in the US is that it is so stigmatized and viewed as something very negative. Doctors won't even take you serious once they know you have a mental illness like anxiety, they just blame all the symtoms on anxiety.

Anytime there is something to blame, it seems like mental illness constantly comes up anytime there is some form of spree shooter, people generally don't want to talk about these issues and when it is brought up, the solution is the mentally ill should be treated as 2nd class citizens deprived of rights, psychiatrists and therapists have mandatory reporting and the new red flag laws in my opinion have pushed away many people who seek help but likely fear losing their security clearance, job or gun rights.

I don't know the solution but I would have hoped people would be more sympathetic with some of the losses we faced with Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams and to have some sort of hope.

I dream for the day these issues can really be handled without medications and we can find out what is really causing this.

I've been watching a video on youtube pointing out that some mental illness and behavior issues inckuding anti social personality disorder may possibly be tied to physical brain damage or even a brain tumor. The topic comes up from a situation that happened with pro wrestler Chris Benoit who had severe brain damage and had killed his family, I obviously am not making excuses for him but perhaps there is some sort of link. I have always found it strange psychiatry is one of the few fields in which brain scans are not done. Prior to my diagnosis, I asked several doctors to perform an MRI or CAT Scan which they will not do without a referral, in most cases insurance won't cover it and in some cases doctors are recommending against it due to "increased risks".

Anyways I have included the video for those interested.

 
Mental illness is stigmatised pretty much everywhere, not just in the USA. Though from what I've heard the US is overly keen to solve such issues with blanket medications, which can affect and even totally alter a person's sense of self, leading to further problems and increased quantity and variety of medications, each taken to balance out another.

Also, the term 'mental illness' covers such a broad spectrum of conditions and behaviours, it can be unhelpful to view the things under that banner, as it lumps everybody into a category, which can then have generalised value judgements applied to it.

We are all unique. We all have physical bodies of subtly different shapes and sizes. It is in the sphere of mind, however that one person truly differs from another. Preconceptions or assumptions you mentally carry around that may be considered common sense or fact to you may not be considered in the same way by another person. The shape of our mindstuff is individual, utterly unique to us alone, comprised of our thoughts and experiences. We just can't see it, whereas we can see what each other look like physically.
 
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I thought that, "Pilman," may have referred to Brian (God rest his soul, former Bengal!) and after talking about, "he who shall not be named," I think that's confirmed ;).

In regard to CB, they did his brain scans and not only did he have advanced CTE, but his brain resembled... can't remember if they said 72 or 82 or whatever, but an elderly person with Alzheimer's. The guy was in his 40s.

His (and Junior Seau's) deaths were the first, I believe, that brought the real issue of CTE and other brain injuries in sport, to light; as we know, it is the topic de rigeur, whenever someone brings up violent sports.

I have ADD (diagnosed when I was 6) and was on Ritalin from age 6 until 18 (when I felt consciously, that I no longer required the meds) and until 18, I absolutely was a different person on the meds than not; personality-wise, intelligence and attitude/mood NEVER changed when I was on the meds, but I was much slower, calmer and, not lethargic, but not super active.

I can then conclude with certainty, that I was diagnosed correctly and put on the correct medication; doesn't help that despite playing a fair amount sports, I too put on weight (my heaviest consistent weight gain, was during this time), but for the mental side of things, it helped 100%. Also doesn't hurt that I was sent for testing, brain-wave analysis, IQ and motor tests, etc., to determine if I was the right fit for Ritalin (gotta love free healthcare in Canada! :D)

Therefore, when I see these millions of people with, "mental health," problems, I think they have to be looked at more closely, like with myself; I understand that in a country like the states, it is costly to do what I had done to me, but it really is the best and most-focused way to do things.

I know I sound like an "America-Basher," lots of times, but I really don't dislike them... however, they really are the root of a lot of problems in the world: In Canada, we always preach awareness and all that, but again, we seek out treatment and ways to make it better. The United States' way of dealing with anything health-related, is, "if you can't afford it, take these drugs!" It's why the pharmaceutical companies make SO much money and are SO powerful in big business; its a constant cycle that the US will never get out of, because they just make a killing and is a big boost to the economy; you will NEVER see a drug commercial on television here in Canada, like the HUNDREDS that air daily and every hour, in the states.

For those that don't ever see them (as they don't live in NA), the commercials show a man or woman, telling their story about how great their life was, then they get afflicted with an illness/disease (either mental or physical) and that their livelihood began to decline... then they discovered (insert drug name) and their life went back to how it was before, magically, all thanks to this drug! Then there is a montage of the person doing what they love (fishing, hanging with family, watching sunsets, etc.), while a voice-over mentions the side effects; this is the best part of the commercial. "side effects include nausea, weight-gain, loss of energy, possible heart-attack, bleeding from the rectum and risk of death. Make sure you speak to your physician and any specialist, before considering if (insert drug name) is for you." Followed by the commercial subject to say one last positive thing about the drug, then the commercial ends.

I find it just crazy that instead of devoting funds and time to treatments and therapy/whatever, Americans just, "throw drugs at people to kill the problem." If the pharmaceutical companies didn't have the power they have, I think the stigma and issues with mental health would be less impactful and more would be done to treat and more importantly, understand the issues.

But that's just here in NA; again, we're taking steps (albeit small ones) in Canada to try and improve things, but everything is still generally negative and backwards. Not to turn this political, but you see this in the more conservative, older generation, "what he needs is a few slaps to the face and yelling to turn him straight!" Sure, exacerbate the problem by hurting the individual and depriving them of the help they require...

Anyways, sorry for the multiple tangents lol.

Tl;Dr: In NA, the main problem (I feel), is that drugs are used to kill the mental health issue, which doesn't work and deprives us from truly learning and understanding the issue, which is why sports-related injuries have only becoming realized, in the past decade or so.
 
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I understand how this feels. While I do not have Harm OCD, I do have very light autism (Asperger's Syndrome) AND I'm a recovering drug addict who constantly relapses and fucks up.

No matter what, man, always remember that you are not alone. If you ever need to talk, somebody WILL listen to you.

You matter.
 
I was diagnosed with dysthymia about 6 years ago. Basically my brain is in a permanent but mild depressed state. The reason as to why this is disabling is pretty nuanced but in a nutshell I feel all of the lows in life but rarely any of the highs. Not really a big deal in the short term, but the decisions you make on a daily basis due to being in a low mood builds up over the years. May seem like a personality quirk when you are young but as you get older you slowly start to realize that there is something wrong with you.

psychiatrists and therapists have mandatory reporting and the new red flag laws in my opinion have pushed away many people who seek help but likely fear losing their security clearance,
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Yep this is exactly why I avoided seeing a mental health professional for years, it's fucking bullshit. Healthcare in the US is pretty terrible.

EDIT: The video you linked appears to be an advertisement. I've looked into Dr. Amen and it appears that his claims are pretty dubious at best. One scan costs about $4k (out of pocket, insurance will not cover it) and who knows how much extra you will pay for follow up treatment. Seems like some guy that one would only try out after they have exhausted all other options, or are rich enough to not care about the out of pocket costs.

Of course every article I search regarding this dude does not provide any data at all for me to actually download and analyze on my own so who the fuck knows what the truth is.
 
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I'm not a doctor or psychologist, so I can't speak about this with any authority, but I've just had the regular shit. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, etc. Pretty sure I've fucked it all off now, but it's a long incremental process. To me though it's more like a cold or the flu in the sense that it'll eventually pass if you treat it.

That may not be the case with yours, I wouldn't know having no medical expertise. That said, the medication I was on made me permanently hungry but I completely lost my appetite. Fucked it off after four weeks, following which I took every step necessary to put my mind right by talking. Logic and reason only help with a few things. Everything else was down to just bettering my life.

Now, I'm not saying that positive thoughts are gonna cure you, I'm not that fucking stupid, but surrounding yourself with that can't have any negative effects. Go out and enjoy the best of life. Fuck all the other shit that can bring you down. Disaster in a foreign country? Not your problem. Voice in your head telling you you're worthless? That leech owes you rent. Kid running around on fire screaming for help? Shouldn't have parents that accidentally left the gas running then, should you?

In all seriousness, talking helps. I don't know what it's like where you live, but things here (Manchester: Greatest City on the Planet) have gotten a lot fucking better when it comes to mental illness. It's no longer seen as something to be ashamed of, and indeed people do seem more open about it nowadays, talking of their own experiences with it in casual conversation.

I wouldn't say it's likely that people around you have the exact same condition as you, but guaranteed more people than you think have gone through some form of mental illness. I know you said you feel more comfortable talking about it here, but we just have words. Nothing more. What makes people feel a true connection are proper face-to-face interactions. Body language, expressions, that empathy you can actually feel emanating from a person is immensely more effective than posts on a forum.

It's a first step, don't get me wrong, but the vulnerability I'm sure you're feeling goes away bit by bit every time you talk to someone about it properly. Eventually it will begin to fade. And whilst that isn't all your problems gone, it's at least one down. One less aspect of this parasite you'll be somewhat free from.

Again, don't take my word as gospel, but I'm pretty fucking certain that most GPs would agree: talking helps. Posts on a forum though? Probably about as effective as sexting. Just leaves you wanting a shag even more.
 
pilman said:
I wanted to share this story as I feel more comfortable here discussing this.

Back in 2014 I was diagnosed with Harm OCD which has made my life a literal living hell. Imagine everyday and when you sleep having voices repeat things in your head making you doubt everything and intrusive thoughts that flash randomly of things you are morally objected too and then questioning your decisions, not remembering things and your brain fills in those gaps with false memories.

To sum it up, that gives a brief overview of Harm OCD. I attempted to taper off Zoloft/SSRIs because it was turning me into a zombie and I blew up in weight to 300 pounds. I cut down to 100 mg and at first I felt a flood of memories but after 2 weeks started to feel creative, intellectual and very positive things were going so great that I cut down to 75 mg and cut my ativan, then to 50. Well I never realized how dependent the brain is on this stuff because I started having the absolute worst panic attacks I had ever experienced.

For absolutely no reason, I would feel my heart speed up and slow down non stop, insomnia, I had issues breathing where my neck throat and chest would swell and just a range of emotions to a point of complete fear and worrying about or obsessing over thoughts. I ended up having to go back to 100 mg zoloft and the ativan which absolutely sucks.

The issue with mental illness in the US is that it is so stigmatized and viewed as something very negative. Doctors won't even take you serious once they know you have a mental illness like anxiety, they just blame all the symtoms on anxiety.

Anytime there is something to blame, it seems like mental illness constantly comes up anytime there is some form of spree shooter, people generally don't want to talk about these issues and when it is brought up, the solution is the mentally ill should be treated as 2nd class citizens deprived of rights, psychiatrists and therapists have mandatory reporting and the new red flag laws in my opinion have pushed away many people who seek help but likely fear losing their security clearance, job or gun rights.

I don't know the solution but I would have hoped people would be more sympathetic with some of the losses we faced with Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams and to have some sort of hope.

I dream for the day these issues can really be handled without medications and we can find out what is really causing this.

I've been watching a video on youtube pointing out that some mental illness and behavior issues inckuding anti social personality disorder may possibly be tied to physical brain damage or even a brain tumor. The topic comes up from a situation that happened with pro wrestler Chris Benoit who had severe brain damage and had killed his family, I obviously am not making excuses for him but perhaps there is some sort of link. I have always found it strange psychiatry is one of the few fields in which brain scans are not done. Prior to my diagnosis, I asked several doctors to perform an MRI or CAT Scan which they will not do without a referral, in most cases insurance won't cover it and in some cases doctors are recommending against it due to "increased risks".

Anyways I have included the video for those interested.

Click to expand...
I'm no mental health practitioner but I'd say it's very much stigmatized across most of the world. Certainly in the UK. Services are underfunded and undervalued though the ones out there are good.
 
When I was like 14 or so, I woke up and went into school feeling like I could fly. Don't know what happened that day but I felt light, energetic and was just in a good mood all day. I felt so good that I randomly started running with my eyes closed in a field because it felt good. I haven't felt that way since.

For what is more than half my life now,I have felt constantly bogged down and tired. I also struggle to sleep and battled with stress, depression and loneliness. Two or three years ago it did get to a point where I had to seek help. I was in a job where I was working from home but spent the vast majority of my time at home (usually these roles I have an office to go to or out for meetings) with a lot of waiting around. I stopped caring about work; would sleep some days, stare out of the window others and overall just did not care.

And not caring was the problem. I had a child on the way and my job was under threat but I simply could not care. I had a house to pay for and soon I was going to be the sole earner as my wife was going on maternity leave but again, could not care. This is where I sought help and speaking to someone did help a little bit but moving jobs and having others around me was probably the better thing.

Still now, I feel exhausted and mentally and physically spent. I have been constantly working and/or studying since 16. I know that most people are also in that position but I just feel that I need a break. I need at least a year away from work to exercise, play video games and not have to worry about bills or work. Trying now to eat healthy so I can be in a better mood to exercise and really get into shape.
 
Thanks for the replies all.

I grew up with a bipolar father who took his own life in 2003 when I was 17. Growing up like that terrified me at times. You would see the sweet loving side, manic side and the pure anger and crash. You never knew who he was. It got to a point that he went from a stable successful network engineer for a pharmaceutical corp to becoming a felon dragged out of his house in handcuffs and firearms being taken out of the house. It later lead to pure hatred between family and just watching a slow decline of our family.

There were days I wasn't sure if I would wake up for school because my father was unpredictable in manic mode.

After his passing, I dismissed mental illness but it cought up to me sometime around the later 2000s and I had a fear of different topics, heart rate all over the place, I had a form of mild OCD which expanded into Pure O OCD. I had my first attack on a flight to Colombia, maybe the altitude triggered it but I remember not feeling myself. I would have flashes of thoughts repeating awful things I must have done and felt an immense amount of guilt and sadness, think of the absolute worst post traumatic event and just not being in touch with reality no matter what you do.

The thoughts will make you think you did awful things you would never do, they will make you believe and it brings you done so complete shame, fear and an inward self destructiveness.

I never had these issues in the past until the last couple of years.
 
pilman said:
Thanks for the replies all.

I grew up with a bipolar father who took his own life in 2003 when I was 17. Growing up like that terrified me at times. You would see the sweet loving side, manic side and the pure anger and crash. You never knew who he was. It got to a point that he went from a stable successful network engineer for a pharmaceutical corp to becoming a felon dragged out of his house in handcuffs and firearms being taken out of the house. It later lead to pure hatred between family and just watching a slow decline of our family.

There were days I wasn't sure if I would wake up for school because my father was unpredictable in manic mode.

After his passing, I dismissed mental illness but it cought up to me sometime around the later 2000s and I had a fear of different topics, heart rate all over the place, I had a form of mild OCD which expanded into Pure O OCD. I had my first attack on a flight to Colombia, maybe the altitude triggered it but I remember not feeling myself. I would have flashes of thoughts repeating awful things I must have done and felt an immense amount of guilt and sadness, think of the absolute worst post traumatic event and just not being in touch with reality no matter what you do.

The thoughts will make you think you did awful things you would never do, they will make you believe and it brings you done so complete shame, fear and an inward self destructiveness.

I never had these issues in the past until the last couple of years.
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I can not even begin to imagine what that must be like. I wish I had some advice, but I really don't. But I do know that you are strong. You manage to fight this, you're still in the game even after the game cheated you. You got this!
 
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