Handling depression/anxiety.

pilman

pilman

A mind as clear as a polished mirror
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Jul 27, 2018
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Florida
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Shenmue II
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Yakuza Zero
Does anyone here have depression/anxiety? I find it very difficult in the US to discuss this issue as it seems the solution is always for doctora to throw prescription medication/SSRIs at people and generally others do not respond well or tend to be dismissive of medical conditions once someone is diagnosed with something like this.

It seems most therapists generally are just paid to listen and likely in some cases exhibit their own form of depression.

I find that celebrities like Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain indicate some of the issues our society had and how out of touch people are to handling such issues.

Unfortunately it doesn't help that in many cases individuals merely trying to talk about things are asked sensitive questions such as "do you anticipate harming yourself or others?" when there are reporting requirements which can cause an individual seeking help to end up thrown in a crisis center for 72 hours, lose their job or potentially be charged with a crime and actually end up in a much worse position than how they began.

Is there a solution to this?
 
Robin Williams was due to Lewy Body Dementia. But to respond more directly to the topic. I still have severe debilitating anxiety. I fight it daily. I don't have depression anymore as I found things in my life to focus on to make me happy. I do my best not to take so much to heart or look too far in a person's words. I used to greatly overreact. My anxiety is part of my disability (tho main one is the heart). Therapy is tricky as sometimes people don't find someone they trust too much.

I have been lucky to get ones I trust ( I have severe trust issues) and have greatly helped me over the last 7 years. It's been slow to get me this far and sometimes the changes are not noticeable. Little by little inch by inch it's worked for me with still a ways to go most likely. Last time I had severe depression was in 2011 where I was sent to a mental ward for 1 week and there I was diagnosed with the 2 mental disorders on my disability papers and brought a lot of relief to me and my family to finally know what's wrong in my head. That way they could start treating it and they have been ever since. It's not just therapy alone. I have had to work at it and like I said. Find a focal point that is like a safe zone to go back to if it gets overwhelming in a situation. Safe zone can be a place or person. The other thing that has helped me is purposefully putting myself in situations that give me great anxiety. Like, say crowds and noisy areas. Over the years this has made it slightly easier each time. If I keep dipping my toe in the water and then a little more each time I can eventually dive in the pool. Which I did about a month ago when

I hung out with Inverse Phase at local and noisy record shops with 5 strangers. I had a lot of fun! I was vocal. I was social and made a lot of conversation. This I have been able to do for the last year or so. I can be somewhat social and this is due to the help I been getting and the work I put into it. If I keep at it this will happen more often. Like today I went out with some people for a BBQ. I was not shy to keep myself. I was out and open socially. The feeling I get from this makes me a little less fearful each time and will have less anxiety next time.


Doing better with anxiety and learning to cope better has mellowed me out quite a bit. I don't have that quick to temper attitude. That got me in a lot of trouble even just a few years ago. It's not a quick process and it can be frustrating not seeing results right away but find someone you trust and keep chipping away at it. I hope my blabbering you can find something in here to possibly help. I wish you the best of luck. I know what a crapshoot it is.
 
Thanks for sharing that. I am diagnosed with OCD and Anxiety and during the housing crisis in 2009 I literally lost everything to the point of almost ending up homeless. I don't want to go into full detail but it destroyed my career at the time, literally selling off everything of value, my car, witnessing the loss of our home was very difficult and put me in some really rough spots. I would say this period in 2009 was one of the most shameful periods I had ever gone through.

I worked very hard to build a life, get a new place, built a very successful career, I am married and have a son now literally from nothing. That anxiety still comes back and I have my doubts "What if I did something wrong?" lots of uncertainty and doubts.

I think my fear is going back to 2009. I was nearly jobless for close to 2 years and I was very fortunate at the time to have found a company during that period mass hiring which is how I was able to build my resume and get other offers. During that period I faced 2 layoffs but instinct and survival mode kicked in and was able to immediately end up finding new work at higher pay.

I think some days I feel like I am about to collapse or break down, just because there is so much responsibility and fear of obstacles that I perceive as a threat to my success.

Not sure how else to describe it but I have been preparing for a long time to become financially independent in the event something similar happens again but unfortunately a lot of my investments (crypto silver stocks) have been seeing significant drops.

I think also having a 7 month son has also made me more concerned about being able to fully support my family.
 
pilman said:
I worked very hard to build a life, get a new place, built a very successful career, I am married and have a son now literally from nothing. That anxiety still comes back and I have my doubts "What if I did something wrong?" lots of uncertainty and doubts.
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I can relate to this very much especially :( (not married and no kids, but in a stable relationship). Even after a promotion at work I was constantly doubting myself. I actually wrote about this on my blog recently, and I'm typing this as I am about to start the said new job today (wish me luck!)
https://scribblingsofstu.wordpress.com/2018/08/02/the-next-chapter-a-confession-of-recent-feelings/

I really do feel there needs to be more awareness of mental health in society in general, and a lot of the poetry I write on the blog is around that theme, and my own experiences with anxiety/depression. I'm actually working on putting a poetry collection together with some of these poems as well. It's good to know the Dojo can also now be a space to talk if I do feel myself going downwards again :)
 
It sounds like you have PTSD @pilman all that you describe is tramatic and just a raw deal.
I went through something similar. Different story of course but for me, the depression/anxiety comes in waves.

I don't think you should rule out therapy. It can be a powerful tool as long as you are open to the process. (If I could afford it I would go every week.)You have to make your self vulnerable and honest about every thing if you do go that route, which can be really hard. I do hope you try it.

therapists try to help you find the anwsers on your own and it takes time.
 
Miles Prower said:
I can relate to this very much especially :( (not married and no kids, but in a stable relationship). Even after a promotion at work I was constantly doubting myself. I actually wrote about this on my blog recently, and I'm typing this as I am about to start the said new job today (wish me luck!)
https://scribblingsofstu.wordpress.com/2018/08/02/the-next-chapter-a-confession-of-recent-feelings/

I really do feel there needs to be more awareness of mental health in society in general, and a lot of the poetry I write on the blog is around that theme, and my own experiences with anxiety/depression. I'm actually working on putting a poetry collection together with some of these poems as well. It's good to know the Dojo can also now be a space to talk if I do feel myself going downwards again :)
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Miles thank you for sharing that and I definitely understand the feeling that way about the doubts even after promotion. I actually felt the same that I was undeserving of promotions.

There is apparently a condition that describes this

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

I try to be as vague online about my work as possible but to give you some general information, my father grew up in a wealthy family but with a very physically and emotionally abusive father. He would basically make my father feel like he was worthless or stupid and valued money over all else. My father resented him in all ways but sadly learned some bad habits from him but ultimately was trying to break free from his father. My dad built a career and was involved with IT in the 80s and 90s. He had a situation where he had a breakdown after his mom passed away and a situation happened where he went to therapy and someone in the group had made some reports regarding my father that they had misinterpreted or misunderstood was he was saying and resulted in a armed standoff at our house. My father basically ruined his career and served time in prison, after that he became a shell of a man and was on and off various medications. His father passing was the final nail in the coffin, my grandfather left my dad out of the will while all the other brothers inherited his fortune. Over the years we struggled significantly and I witnessed my father several times attempt to take his life and was completely self destructive. It basically boiled over to a point that my mother saw my father was actually becoming dangerous to not only himself but the family, during that time he was put in a 72 hour hold and our family basically fled to Florida. The following months, received news my father killed himself, I was 17 years old and always had major respect and love for my father.

Regarding my own background, skipping ahead, I started off working instead of going to college right after highschool. I worked at a restaurant as a busser, it was sometime in 2005 my former teacher saw me unhappy and told me about her son working in IT, I had my first gig and spoke with the owner of this small company, he was incredible and very down to earth and still have major respect for today. His family was half Italian half Japanese and we used to talk all kinds of personal things technology everything. He even helped me as recent when no one else could when I was moving into my new place. He really helped build my confidence and always would mention how intelligent I was.

Fast forward 2009, things became very difficult with the economy and I lost my job, went through some really difficult times perhaps the most difficult i had ever experienced. My family was broke, bank was foreclosing on our home and I sold off everything to keep afloat. I sold my car, sold our jetskis at below price, sold my gun collection, I had a bunch of rare anime and video games as well as historical military gear and airsoft equipment I had to sell, going through the garage sale was difficult as I sold the rest of what I had including my tv. I felt like a failure. After that, other things happened which I don't feel too comfortable speaking about but it lead into a complete reset of my life. It pretty much lead into some very dark times and attempting to go back to Chicago, a bitter relationship and betrayal by those I thought I could trust which ultimately left me stranded in a remote area and alone.

Coming back to Florida I had been unemployed for a year, my old boss gave me some temporary work, met a new friend from Mexico who helped me to become patient and humble, I was lucky and found a job fair that was hiring for a internet service provider, was promoted and met my wife at the time in Colombia, life was great until I was going through a layoff, then I was hired for a large computet company, name removed for various reasons and was promoted to a high position which is when I started feeling insecurity and doubts that I didn't deserve the position, i left under stress of the promotion and went back to this internet provider where i was promoted and retained after a major buyout, I basically had the equivalent authority and access of someone in production based systems and learned a significant amount of information on how ISPs specifically how RF and cell towers worked in general. I knew during our buyout I was going to need to find another job, I was offered a very nice job, government based in information security but has been 2 years now since the ..process/clearance required so I gave up on that, found a position in the banking industry and I am a fraud investigator now with a wonderful career.

Despite all of this, part of me still feels like I am walking on eggshells or that it can and will be taken away from me, I think after the birth of my son I realized how serious and important it was to take care of him. I have my own issues and the OCD/Anxiety came in full force 2013 when I nearly had a breakdown on a plane to Colombia, it was absolutely horrific and it felt like not having any control, just imagine your brain creating the most disturbing thoughts repetitively and you know they are irrational but you can't stop them, and it makes you feel like a monster. It will cause you to feel massive doubt and mix in things real as well as false constantly questioning "did i do this?" "I must have done this or why would I have such vivid thoughts of this?". It lead to nearly 4 years of feeling disconnected from my self and isolation from everyone except my wife. Difficulty communicating or talking to others and withdrawn or distant with others and detachment. Many times I have questioned if I am intelligent or just blowing smoke that I am simply a wikipedia monkey and am able to retain and repeat information or articulate on subjects but I contain no real knowledge.

At times I struggle to think if I will simply lose everything and be denied, that I must have done something wrong or will end up back to where I was in 09 and that thought horrifies me especially now that I have a son who doesn't deserve any of that, I want him to have the life I didn't.

Many of the issues today especially being on zoloft and ativan have had it's side effects, it has made empathy difficult and my thought process is different, many times I find my short term memory poor. My wife has been my biggest supporter but I have my fears on how long she can handle my issues. Her family is like my real family now. Speaking with therapists and psychiatrists over the years have lead to being more distant as any word that comes out of my mouth could easily be misunderstood and so I sense that I really do not have any other options. At some point I would like to get off the medications doctor approved of course to see if I can regain my emotion.

Hope that makes more sense.
 
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@pilman That is a lot of adversity.
@Raiden / Bluecast, I recognized what you wrote from before except for a few details.

pilman said:
I find that celebrities like Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain indicate some of the issues our society had and how out of touch people are to handling such issues.
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I have read articles about the industrial revolution, urbanization and the rise of mental health issues. There is a connection according to many researchers. More recently, social media is another factor that has contributed according to studies. Seeing all these succesful lives (real or fake) makes some people feel miserable. So certain causes are known but society has trouble discussing this topic as you said.

OldFarT said:
Different story of course but for me, the depression/anxiety comes in waves.
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Likewise. Though the time in between them and severity can differ. I always had this in me but ongoing pressure at work made it worse. Many quit then, even bosses, and the rest had to deal with the extra work. Eventually I went to a doctor who told me that I exhibited signs of bipolar behavior (don't like the term since it became "trendy" online. Neither did he but it's the official one now). Though without extreme manic periods. Pills didn't help to be honest so I quit taking them (had to do this gradually to avoid side effects).

pilman said:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome
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I saw that link before. I have somewhat of an academic background (physics/math) and this is quite common there. Those forums have threads about feeling too dumb for the field, others wonder when they will hit their intellectual limit etc. Personally, I felt this way when I took advanced courses or when a professor wrote a reference letter. It felt like a lot of praise but he answered that he only writes what he sees/means. Still it felt as if a regular guy like me didn't deserve this. I have also worked with audio (sound production, writing, playing music) and it's the same there. Praise from people felt undeserved so I downplayed things. Which unfortunately made it seem as if I was dismissive of their point of view. So I learned to stop doing that and take the compliment instead.
 
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@ys. I wish pills worked on me.... Am one of the few people that all ssri/maoi, hell even the old school anti depression pills make me go into a suicide state of mind. It always kicks in at the 2-3 week mark.

And just remember, everything becomes trendy. Which is the state of the world right now.
Did you get a second opinion on your condition?

@pilman have you tried other anti depressants?
Have you ever taken a break from the zololoft?

My wife has taken Zoloft and paxil for a number of years and she decided to taper off to see how it would make her feel. She has not been on it since.

Now from what my doctor has told me anti depressant are supposed to be a tool to use to get the mind right and to eventually stop taking. (Pardon me if I didn't type that right)

Now everyone is different but if the doctor says it's ok, take a small break from it and see how you do. If it doesn't work then you can always go back on it.
 
I've heard before that they can have the opposite effect depending on the individual. I had to revisit the doctor initially after two weeks to check if they worked as intended. He also talked about this being a tool. Kind of to get things going while you're trying to improve some situation at the same time (change job, continue education, move somewhere else,...).
 
OldFarT said:
@ys. I wish pills worked on me.... Am one of the few people that all ssri/maoi, hell even the old school anti depression pills make me go into a suicide state of mind. It always kicks in at the 2-3 week mark.

And just remember, everything becomes trendy. Which is the state of the world right now.
Did you get a second opinion on your condition?

@pilman have you tried other anti depressants?
Have you ever taken a break from the zololoft?

My wife has taken Zoloft and paxil for a number of years and she decided to taper off to see how it would make her feel. She has not been on it since.

Now from what my doctor has told me anti depressant are supposed to be a tool to use to get the mind right and to eventually stop taking. (Pardon me if I didn't type that right)

Now everyone is different but if the doctor says it's ok, take a small break from it and see how you do. If it doesn't work then you can always go back on it.
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I have tried with not much luck, the particular issues are that I live in a very rural area of Florida in the northwest literally by the Alabama border and so the doctors/psychiatrists can treat garden variety depression but are not skilled in treating OCD. The type of OCD I have is generally referred to as POCD or Pure "O" and sometimes goes by the name Harm OCD. Generally what causes it can be biological but sometimes physical damage to the frontal lobe although there hasn't been conclusive evidence in regards to the root cause.

I was reading a paper about a person who attempted suicide and apparently he survived a gunshot wound to the head and the subject ceased having the repetitive thoughts. While this is an extreme case and I would never endorse such as a solution, I find it fascinating that traumatic injury to the brain seemed to at least temporarily solve that individuals issue.

https://www.hindawi.com/journals/crim/2012/909614/

My particular circumstances created some very u comfortable scenarios. I knew something was wrong when I was driving home an hour from work every night and felt very fatigued as if in a dream state. I would experience flashes or brain zaps and see someone in my peripheral vision that did not exist and I would continue to drive back to the location compulsively to ensure that I did not hit anyone. It would create anxiety in my brain that without this ritual, I could not continue doing anything else. My brain would play tricks and I would continue to question then believe I actually did something wrong and plan my life what it would be like to be deprived of my freedom and ultimately the fear of causing harm to someone else due to my actions, except that was not the reality because none of that ever happened, my brain was taking scenarios based on doubt and like a broken record player would continue to play that same thought again and again.

This wasn't just a fear of driving but eventually it started also taking control of me in other unorthodox ways just by being around people, walking to the car and I could always feel the onset where I would feel an oncoming fatigue where my speech would slow down and memory fog would occur. The most terrifying incident on a plane to Colombia with my wife and the altitude changes probably took a major effect as well.

Going in 1 year, I hardly recognized myself and was a mess, thankfully my old company at the time understood and i think they put up with more than I deserved, I am thankful for that.

When I went to see a psychiatrist i expressed that i needed cognitive behavior therapy which I was advised would occur but instead i was upped in doses from 50mg to 150mg of zoloft and I went into zombie mode, when my grandma died, I couldn't properly mourn and my mother was angry believing I didn't care, it nearly destroyed my relationship and I would say those pills probably were designed with the intention of suppressing thoughts but it seems to create a feeling similar to what a sociopath would experience.

I don't know what caused it, we had a nasty oil spill a few years back and bp was using corexit to clean up the mess, i remember during that time I had significant issues breathing and I was diagnosed with a chronic obstruction of the lungs. In addition to my poor breathing, I am sure some of this could have affected bloodflow and perhaps activity to my brain, maybe that could explain the OCD symptoms.

I have seen some improvement compared to years ago but with alot of side effects.

As you can probably imagine, it is extremely difficult to get help or to talk about the issues because there are "trigger" words that can prompt panic from others similar to what happened with my dad, it has created a lot of difficulty and generally I keep quiet instead of being asked "What do you mean?"
 
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thank you for sharing @pilman.

Have you tried to see a specialist in a major city area? Am sure it's a drive probably. If it is push for the therapy that you want or think you need. Doctors in this field can be hard headed and you will have to fight them to a degree. Which could be hard on its own.

My sister in law was diagnosed with personality disorder. But it took years, then it took years for her to find the right doctor to actually get her on the right medications. Her doctor was a state Over.

Am sorry if am being a bother pilman
 
@pilman I don't have any experience mental health issues and I would never presume to understand your situation but from where I'm sitting it's incredible you're doing as well as you are. At such a young age you've already experienced so much adversity and pain, I realise things like depression and anxiety don't need some objective trauma to exist but I think what you've gone through compared to other people within your social group is wildly different, I admire your resilience.

I can somewhat relate to a couple of the things folk above have mentioned, imposer syndrome for one, without going into a massive amount of detail it's something I'm slowly working on overcoming.

What you said about being a father and wanting your son to have what you didn't resonates strongly with me too, I'm not sure if it added to your anxiety or the pressure you put on yourself but even I went from being pretty mellow (or so I thought!) to having this fear living inside me. It's a hard feeling to pin down but the closest I heard was when Obama was interviewed by David Letterman he talked about having kids and quotes Elizabeth Stone "‘It’s like having your heart outside your body."
 
I live a slightly more sheltered life than most. I am not a hermit, but I see my friend once a week, my family once a week, and catch a date with a woman here and there. But most of the time I very much enjoy my own company. If anything, all of my friends are online, some I speak to on a daily basis in Shenmue groups etc.

I get my down days, which some would probably call depression. But I snap outof it very quickly by counting the blessings I have in life. The simple blessings too. Like all limbs and my health. The fact I have money in the bank to eat. That I can go to a tap, and always have fresh water. Stupid yes, but I've been in situations travelling where I had no money. I was homeless. Shit came out of the taps and stuff.

I've been fortunate enough to have led a bit of a good life too, especially when it comes to seeing this planet, and I have had numerous experiences where my existence on this planet has been humbled. I use those thoughts and memories to eventually put a smile on my face. I have everything I need, air in my lungs, and a decent quiet enough life.

I guess I focus on the positives as best I can.
 
Im gonna echo what peter said. As someone who has overcome depression, anxiety, had a dysfunctional family growing up, survived been run down by a car and even managed to get cured from having Cancer, i try my very best to count my blessings. I fail to do so many times and find myself throwing the odd hissy fit over pointless shite, but i always try and put things into perspective.

I'm grateful for being alive as ive cheated death a few times. Im grateful for my family who are now like a proper family compared to when i was a kid. Im grateful for my friends, grateful for food, water, having a roof over my head etc. Im the healthiest ive ever been in my life, both mentally, physically, emotionally and internally, which is odd considering all the stuff i just mentioned.

Here's what i did in regards to depression/anxiety. I have no idea if this will help any of you, but i really hope it does.

1) Learn about your psychology and the condition as much as you can. There's tons of resources and books out there on amazon, youtube etc.

2) There's many different anxiety disorders - find out which one you have and confront the fear slowly and gradually, until you become desensitized to it. If you try and confront the fear in one big go, it may overwhelm you and do more harm than good. Slowly and gradually worked for me.

3) Work on your inner world. You mindset etc. You need to find out what deep rooted beliefs you have inside. You beliefs direct everything in your psychology

beliefs >>>> thoughts >>>>emotions >>>>>behaviour

You can do this by either doing self help, which is hard as there is a lot of shite out there, but some of it is actually really good. OR go through a proper Cognitive behavioral therapist. Their job is to retrain your thoughts and beliefs, which in turn will help relieve the internal emotional distress. They'll also expose you to the stimuli causing you anxiety so that you can confront the fear and hopefully overcome it.

3) Therapy - find a therapist that you click with. Honestly, there's a ton of therapist out there and some of them are fucking mad themselves. You need to find one that resonates with you. Don't be the person who goes to therapy once, gets a shite therapist and then rationalizes that therapy doesn't work. Keep going through different therapists until you find one that is perfect for you.

4) Medication - I didn't take any medication or drugs. However, i understand that some people's anxiety and depression is so sever, that they can't take the first step. In that case speak to your doctor. Maybe you want to start on some medication and as your emotions stabilize, you can get into therapy and address the problem and then come of the meds. Don't depend on medication solely though as i think that is masking the real problem underneath.

5) Rebuild your self esteem and identity

This was the best way to overcome depression for me. Again your therapist can help you with this. There are some good self help stuff out there. But i want to stress that some of these self help people are a bit woo woo and wont resonate with you at all. If this area interest you, find someone who you resonate with. If you are completely anti self help, go with the therapist. I say both personally.

6) Surround yourself with as much positivity as you can

I'm not gonna say always be happy or you should be positive 100% of the time, because thats just bullshit. Sometimes you get down days and you feel like shite. The point is though, absorb as much positive stuff as you can via books, audio books, courses, friends, family, hobbies, loved ones etc. Do this to the point where your more often in a positive mood than a negative mood. Learn how to flush negative moods from your system. For me, gratefulness and perspective play a big part, similar to what peter was saying. Find what works for you.

7) Keep a diary. Write down all your thoughts every day no matter how negative, positive, weird or odd they may be. You need to know what's going on inside your mind, so you can address it. Your therapist will also recommend this.

8) Meditation - I meditate for 10 minutes every day. It helps me identify whats going on in my mind and what emotions are in my body. Most of us try to run away from uncomfortable emotions and thoughts. Meditation forces you to confront them internally. This is similar to mindfulness.

9) Surround yourself with good people. Surround yourself with good friends, loved ones and family. If there's anyone who brings you down or is toxic in your life. Cut them or at the very least limit contact with them. People around you influence how you are.

10) Build your emotional intelligence - learn about emotions, how they work and how you can generate positive emotions more often than negative emotions.

11) Make peace with your past so it won't screw you up in the present.

Resources

I know finding a therapist can be a pain and the doctors at your local practice will probably try and brush you off with a prescription, so check the following site out. I haven't used them personally, but ive heard good things.

https://www.betterhelp.com/

Its an online therapy site, where you therapist is in continous contact with you via messages and has scheduled phone calls with you every week. Bit pricey, but if you can afford it, why not. Go with a proper therapist though.

Books

Six Pillars of Self Esteem - Nathaniel Branden. (Great book for building your self esteem, learning about your psychology etc)
The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns - (Good for learning about psychology, depression, anxiety and treatment)
The science and practice of CBT - David M Clark (Amazing book on CBT from therapists, with cases, treatment, suggestions, etc)
The untethered Soul - cant remember the author, but the book was damn good. Good for mindfulness.

I have no idea if this helped any of you out, but i hope it did. Mental health is tough and honestly i think all of us have our own internal battles which we fight. Its an ongoing process and one which we're going to have to deal with many more times throughout our lives. Hopefully this post points you in the right direction. It worked for me, so i hope it works for some of you.

Much love.
 
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I had it pretty bad a few years back. Went out on a works do, had a top time, watched City beat Newcastle the day after and then on the Monday... I just couldn't bring myself to move.

The complete disappearance of any form of motivation was frightening, even worse though was the anxiety. That feeling when every fibre in your body is squirming because you're around people... it's fucking insanity! I've felt embarrassed before, but to essentially be allergic to socialising was summat else entirely.

Anyway I went on the pills but they just made me feel sick. It's the counselling that helped.

Never wanna go through that again though. Ever.
 
Certainly empathize with many of the human experiences here. We're all trying to figure out life. Maybe why something like Shenmue resonates with us. We encounter loss, anxiety, despair, anger, depression, homelessness, friendship, perseverance, and other real aspects of our humanity. I myself am suffering from health related issues and pray for the day I am finally healed. Everyday I'm just grateful to be healing. Life is a journey...
 
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Thanks for the link about impostor syndrome, @pilman , a lot of that certainly rang true and was an interesting read. I started the new job today and feel confident I can do what's required of me, which I guess is a positive step forward. Sorry to hear about all the shit you've been through, I guess jobs and money are so often a major factor for our own mental wellbeing :( I'm sure your wife will stick by you and help you through the dips and rough patches.
@ShenSun , I will definitely refer back to your post if needed :)
 
I would like to thank you all for the wonderful words and support and I have been reading through this. No one is bothering me and having a community like this that are open minded to such discussions makes me glad to be here. I will definitely address some things here soon and respond.
 
I (Andrew) have been fortunate to have never personally dealt with depression on an individual level. I will share a story though. I worked for a large insurance company for 7.5 years. When I first started with the company, it was a great place to work. Nearly everyone that worked there shared that same sentiment. As time went on everything there degraded. A lot of the people who became members of the management team had this generic "do gooder" mindset. No one thought an individual basis and it made it very difficult on a day to day basis. I always prided my self on having a great work/life balance. Every day when I left the office, I left all of my "baggage" related to work there. It was awesome! When influences outside of my control began to impact me in the workplace, such as a shitty management team, the baggage began to tag along with me when I left the office, and it bothered me. This went on for about a year and a half. There were multiple nights where I lost sleep over it. I didn't enjoy feeling this way. My wife and I sat down and evaluated the situation. She knew I hated feeling that way too. We looked at all of the aspects of the situation and categorized them into two parts. What was in my control, and what was not in my control. Continuing to work there was in my control. I decided not to continue working there. I really thought it was going to be a difficult decision and in all actuality, it wasn't. I found a job with another company. When I gave my notice, it felt so great. I had an immediate sense of freedom.

To those who struggle with anxiety and or depression. Find what is within your control and make changes that have a positive impact.
 
pilman said:
Does anyone here have depression/anxiety? I find it very difficult in the US to discuss this issue as it seems the solution is always for doctora to throw prescription medication/SSRIs at people and generally others do not respond well or tend to be dismissive of medical conditions once someone is diagnosed with something like this.

It seems most therapists generally are just paid to listen and likely in some cases exhibit their own form of depression.

I find that celebrities like Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain indicate some of the issues our society had and how out of touch people are to handling such issues.

Unfortunately it doesn't help that in many cases individuals merely trying to talk about things are asked sensitive questions such as "do you anticipate harming yourself or others?" when there are reporting requirements which can cause an individual seeking help to end up thrown in a crisis center for 72 hours, lose their job or potentially be charged with a crime and actually end up in a much worse position than how they began.

Is there a solution to this?
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My wife also suffers from extreme anxiety and goes through bouts of depression. One thing that has helped her the most is smoking high CBD marijuana (which of course if legal where I live). It also helps with her back/ nerve pain. It's quite amazing. An alternative would be to consume CBD oil.
 
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