Shenmue music has definitely helped me, for sure. Hope you have a great time on your trip man, and hope you get to do the Shenmue pilgrimage - that's on my list too for sure, if I can convince my boyfriend
Thanks Miles :) .
Now that I have a little more time, and not typing off my cellphone, it should be a little bit easier to express.
I think that at some point in our lives we go through various periods of happiness, sadness, positives and negatives. Sometimes different things trigger it, I associate some of those things with age/maturity but to another extent, some of it is due to our perception, culture, our motivation and I find that speaking with various individuals over time that I have learned to an extent the differing personalities.
I think that sometimes during bouts of negative feelings, it is easier to assume the guilt or to be self destructive in a way to feel that it is a relief that we know the ultimate solution. With OCD behavior, a person with OCD may automatically assume they have done something wrong and feel that by confessing to that is part of the obsessive thought and the compulsion is to confess to have relief that they are being "justifiably" punished that they have now resolved this particular issue.
A lot of these bouts of depression focus on literally everything that is wrong rather than what is right, and once in that mindset, it's very hard, with OCD, it's somewhat like a chinese finger trick, the more you pull away or question, the more you are trapped, but if you literally accept that the thoughts are just that, thoughts and the consequences don't matter, your mind can become free.
I know this can be hard to describe but I like to think of it from say how my father was. My father was bipolar and I know that when he was in a manic depressive mood, it was literally impossible to talk him out of it, there was nothing you could say or do to change how he was in that moment and it created really terrifying situations to where I was convinced I wouldn't be alive today as a result.
I know that we have many individuals here that have gone through worse physical things, some who had almost lost their life or survived cancer and I applaud your strength that you are still here to share your story because you survived and it is now a part of your history.
The reason I brought up Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams despite very different situations is that sometimes there are things that lead eventually to that mindset. I know that Robin Williams had Lewy Bodies dementia (sp?) and while I do have some knowledge about the topic, I cannot claim that I fully understand what that is like. About my closest experience with it was watching the show "BOSS" about the Chicago mayor slowly degrading in mental health. If the disease is anything like what was portrayed in the movie, which I imagine would probably be far worse, I could envision the frustration, sadness, and desperation of dealing with a degenerative illness that slowly causes you to lose touch with reality, unable to recall words, sentences or feeling failure at every moment, from that perspective and reading some of the stories from Robin Williams wife I can only imagine the suffering that he went through before his passing.
Anthony Bourdain, I can't really think of what was going through his mind at the time of his passing, I know there were definitely some indications that he was going through some issues. I know that when he passed, he was worth less in terms of money than what some had thought and that he had gone through a divorce. I imagine some of this may have affected his travel/work and of course divorce is never an easy process. Additionally , I know that Anthony Bourdain was a heavy drinker and sometimes drinking masks other particular issues. It's hard to say off camera what was going on.
I know the reason I brought up my dad is because if you looked at our family from the outside, you probably wouldn't have initially known his particular issues. My dad grew up in a very wealthy family, he grew up in Chicago and his father taught him all that mattered was money, well not those exact words but it was the concept of basically taking advantage of others and viewing other people as less to a point that my father lost all respect for his own dad when my grandpa and my dad were robbed on south side in the city and my father had a gun pointed at his face and told my grandpa if he didn't give any money that he would kill my father. My grandpa didn't care about my dads life and claimed he did not have any money when it was hidden behind the radio dash in the car. My father went through constant physical abuse and other things I don't think appropriate to mention, but it was my grandfathers way of controlling his kids and having complete domination and viewed as the superior figure, not just as a father figure but someone to be feared and it caused my father to fight with his brothers constantly.
I never knew any of this when I was growing up until my father was triggered by his mothers death and later his fathers, losing his career and ending up in prison I think he had realized that everything he had was gone and that it wasn't going to come back. I think this lead to a self destructive mode of feeling self pity and blaming himself for causing harm to others or feeling that he was a failure and could not do enough to provide like other fathers for their children. Observing this and seeing the various stages of his life and slow degradation, the only hope was the next treatment would be the final treatment and he would be normal again, but each stage was simply that self destructive pattern. I think what my father was looking for were things to temporarily give him relief and that he was looking for the only thing he thought could fix the problems and that was money. Filling life with temporary things brings nothing but temporary satisfaction and unless you feel happy with yourself, happy with your surroundings and others, it will bring nothing but dissatisfaction.
I can definitely emulate some of these feelings because I know during the 2009 housing crisis, just witnessing the loss of the physical things, the destructive relationship with my own family and feeling like things were out of control lead to a very negative life at that time. I witnessed a situation of becoming stranded up north with people I really didn't know well, and just a situation where I actually ended up to a point I went into a subway and was short by a quarter and the guy tossed the sandwich in the garbage. I was eating off the dollar menu and couldn't afford heat in the winter so it was freezing. I had a futon bed with no furniture and I had friends who were able to get me out of that situation back to Florida. Rebuilding my life was not easy because I still had a lot of resentment, but slowly it came, it took becoming stable and just talking to people letting a lot of the issues out and making real friends. I used to go to the beach at night and i'd chat with my closest friend from Mexico and we'd just talk about life in general. Over time, started to join community based things, even though I'm not religious, it helped to just have some sort of community though I didn't remain. After all of that, I was able to secure a nice job and as I became more comfortable, I started dating again and met my wife. Just the adventure of traveling down to Colombia and meeting this wonderful woman was a miracle because her life was in much worse shape than mine, and being able to see how things were there and the struggles, things I took for granted really helped me to appreciate so much more and to see what real love from another person was like.
My OCD condition kind of set me back temporarily and it was like looking at everything from a broken mirror, the fear of possibly having everyone hate me or lose respect for me, I was really surprised how supportive friends were during those difficult times. I still wonder how I ever ended up getting to that point. Anything and everything is possible with that condition, things you would never think yourself capable of, things in your mind that you know are completely against any of your beliefs, just the constant thoughts of "could this have happened?" "I must have done something wrong or else why would I think this?". Think of every situation that something could go wrong, and then that is in your mind that you are the one doing that and it's a terrible feeling as if the brain has no filter. There is no person in this world as patient as my wife who has been there for me every step of the way and her wonderful family, they have been the best therapists that I could have ever asked for.
So I guess as long as this post is, it takes trust, healing, finding things you can talk about and keeping your mind focused. A sick mind leads to a sick body, and I think that's what I'm trying to portray is we all need our time to be able to talk about these things and just get stuff off our chest, because over time no matter how old you are, how much you try to suppress it, it does eventually catch up. I think all the years of stress, worrying, it's like the brain is just vomiting out all this stuff that's been held inside for so long.