Mental Health Dojo

[Stream of concsiousness post; apologies in advance]

So...as I type this, my fiancé is finally on her way to the UK to live with me. It's been a long and difficult road for us. We've been together for over 6 years and over 5 of them have been apart. Tomorrow afternoon, we are finally reunited and in 6 weeks we get married. I'm so excited, but i'm also so scared. I have such terrible imposter syndrome that I tell myself I don't deserve love and don't deserve to get married. I feel guilty that she is giving up her job at the Pokémon company and leaving her friends and family behind to live with a shy, insecure autsitic manchild. But then I spoke to her at the airport today (our first phone conversation in 3 weeks) and even though she was so tired, she was smiling and had a warmth about her that melts my heart. I can only hope I can be the best husband I can be.

I still want to do my own things (we have lots in common, but also not), but with the mindset that every time we're apart, it will make me happy to come home to her. It's going to be weird living with someone; especially as i've been living by myself for the last year and a bit (with my family a 15 minute drive away from me), but I hope we'll be OK.

Those in the UK will know about the Government's evil plans to make legal immigration more difficult. We moved our wedding forward at consideable stress so that we can get married and submit the next visa before the increases come in (which today was finally confimed to be 3 days before our original wedding date). However, after a long wait, I finally heard back from my MP and they basically said that the increased costs wouldn't apply to those who were approved beforehand....I am too ashamed to tell my fiance this because she went through so much to get to where we are. That said, I don't think I could've risked hoping things would turn out the way they did, so i'm relieved, but angry at the government.

We only have 6 weeks to sort out our wedding (the ceremony, reception and pub has been sorted out, but that's it) and submit the next visa, so we'll be hitting the ground running. I want us to relax and enjoy our reunion and now doubt we will, but I do think we'll have to stay busy. I can't afford a big wedding and we're both really shy (I want to do a first dance, but we're too embarassed...i've done a mix CD instead, so we will do this in private I think).

Others may remember family difficulties too. My father finally has a PiP appeal coming up after being out of work for a year, so I pray that will work out. My mother lost her job just before Christmas. She since had a temp job, but is now out of work again. My brother had a seizure and had an MRI scan yesterday. I still worry about his drinking. And my dear Butters-dog is sitll holding on at the age of 16. My heart is warmed that he still smiles even though he struggles so much. My family are good people and it makes me sad they struggle.

A realisation came to me recently. I've been up and down with melancholy all my life and I think I figured it out. The dreams and romantic thoughts in my head don't match what I see in real life. And that makes me sad. But i'm glad I get flashes of it :')

So my emotions are all over the place at the moment. The day i've dreamed of for years has finally arrived and I can only hope I can do my wife-to-be justice. I'm not perfect. I get upset and sad easily, I get distracted by shiny things and i'm still a scared child in a near 40 year old body, but i'm sincere and heartfelt.
 
bcdcdude said:
[Stream of concsiousness post; apologies in advance]

So...as I type this, my fiancé is finally on her way to the UK to live with me. It's been a long and difficult road for us. We've been together for over 6 years and over 5 of them have been apart. Tomorrow afternoon, we are finally reunited and in 6 weeks we get married. I'm so excited, but i'm also so scared. I have such terrible imposter syndrome that I tell myself I don't deserve love and don't deserve to get married. I feel guilty that she is giving up her job at the Pokémon company and leaving her friends and family behind to live with a shy, insecure autsitic manchild. But then I spoke to her at the airport today (our first phone conversation in 3 weeks) and even though she was so tired, she was smiling and had a warmth about her that melts my heart. I can only hope I can be the best husband I can be.

I still want to do my own things (we have lots in common, but also not), but with the mindset that every time we're apart, it will make me happy to come home to her. It's going to be weird living with someone; especially as i've been living by myself for the last year and a bit (with my family a 15 minute drive away from me), but I hope we'll be OK.

Those in the UK will know about the Government's evil plans to make legal immigration more difficult. We moved our wedding forward at consideable stress so that we can get married and submit the next visa before the increases come in (which today was finally confimed to be 3 days before our original wedding date). However, after a long wait, I finally heard back from my MP and they basically said that the increased costs wouldn't apply to those who were approved beforehand....I am too ashamed to tell my fiance this because she went through so much to get to where we are. That said, I don't think I could've risked hoping things would turn out the way they did, so i'm relieved, but angry at the government.

We only have 6 weeks to sort out our wedding (the ceremony, reception and pub has been sorted out, but that's it) and submit the next visa, so we'll be hitting the ground running. I want us to relax and enjoy our reunion and now doubt we will, but I do think we'll have to stay busy. I can't afford a big wedding and we're both really shy (I want to do a first dance, but we're too embarassed...i've done a mix CD instead, so we will do this in private I think).

Others may remember family difficulties too. My father finally has a PiP appeal coming up after being out of work for a year, so I pray that will work out. My mother lost her job just before Christmas. She since had a temp job, but is now out of work again. My brother had a seizure and had an MRI scan yesterday. I still worry about his drinking. And my dear Butters-dog is sitll holding on at the age of 16. My heart is warmed that he still smiles even though he struggles so much. My family are good people and it makes me sad they struggle.

A realisation came to me recently. I've been up and down with melancholy all my life and I think I figured it out. The dreams and romantic thoughts in my head don't match what I see in real life. And that makes me sad. But i'm glad I get flashes of it :')

So my emotions are all over the place at the moment. The day i've dreamed of for years has finally arrived and I can only hope I can do my wife-to-be justice. I'm not perfect. I get upset and sad easily, I get distracted by shiny things and i'm still a scared child in a near 40 year old body, but i'm sincere and heartfelt.
Click to expand...
Having your wife-to-be by your side will make all the difference. You’ll be able to achieve so much as a team. Don’t worry about a big wedding or whatever; your life together is immeasurably more important. Very best of luck, you got this!
 
bcdcdude said:
[Stream of concsiousness post; apologies in advance]

So...as I type this, my fiancé is finally on her way to the UK to live with me. It's been a long and difficult road for us. We've been together for over 6 years and over 5 of them have been apart. Tomorrow afternoon, we are finally reunited and in 6 weeks we get married. I'm so excited, but i'm also so scared. I have such terrible imposter syndrome that I tell myself I don't deserve love and don't deserve to get married. I feel guilty that she is giving up her job at the Pokémon company and leaving her friends and family behind to live with a shy, insecure autsitic manchild. But then I spoke to her at the airport today (our first phone conversation in 3 weeks) and even though she was so tired, she was smiling and had a warmth about her that melts my heart. I can only hope I can be the best husband I can be.

I still want to do my own things (we have lots in common, but also not), but with the mindset that every time we're apart, it will make me happy to come home to her. It's going to be weird living with someone; especially as i've been living by myself for the last year and a bit (with my family a 15 minute drive away from me), but I hope we'll be OK.

Those in the UK will know about the Government's evil plans to make legal immigration more difficult. We moved our wedding forward at consideable stress so that we can get married and submit the next visa before the increases come in (which today was finally confimed to be 3 days before our original wedding date). However, after a long wait, I finally heard back from my MP and they basically said that the increased costs wouldn't apply to those who were approved beforehand....I am too ashamed to tell my fiance this because she went through so much to get to where we are. That said, I don't think I could've risked hoping things would turn out the way they did, so i'm relieved, but angry at the government.

We only have 6 weeks to sort out our wedding (the ceremony, reception and pub has been sorted out, but that's it) and submit the next visa, so we'll be hitting the ground running. I want us to relax and enjoy our reunion and now doubt we will, but I do think we'll have to stay busy. I can't afford a big wedding and we're both really shy (I want to do a first dance, but we're too embarassed...i've done a mix CD instead, so we will do this in private I think).

Others may remember family difficulties too. My father finally has a PiP appeal coming up after being out of work for a year, so I pray that will work out. My mother lost her job just before Christmas. She since had a temp job, but is now out of work again. My brother had a seizure and had an MRI scan yesterday. I still worry about his drinking. And my dear Butters-dog is sitll holding on at the age of 16. My heart is warmed that he still smiles even though he struggles so much. My family are good people and it makes me sad they struggle.

A realisation came to me recently. I've been up and down with melancholy all my life and I think I figured it out. The dreams and romantic thoughts in my head don't match what I see in real life. And that makes me sad. But i'm glad I get flashes of it :')

So my emotions are all over the place at the moment. The day i've dreamed of for years has finally arrived and I can only hope I can do my wife-to-be justice. I'm not perfect. I get upset and sad easily, I get distracted by shiny things and i'm still a scared child in a near 40 year old body, but i'm sincere and heartfelt.
Click to expand...
But.. we were destined to each other! Alright, go and marry her instead!
(Congratulations, mate)
 
Sounds like even if you don't feel you're on the right path, you absolutely are, BC!

Keep on the path you're on and you both will thrive 😁
 
Being feeling not great lately, though no particular reason why. At least it doesn’t seem so. Just got a feeling this post may be a bit of a random mess.

Year started out feeling alright for the most part. Generally within the last many years I’ve felt far better than what I’d refer to as a great black hole between 15-25 I guess. Still plenty of shit things about life but at least it’s got a sense of normalcy for me. Knowing everyone has to deal with it somehow makes that better.

So anyway, yeah, met some people who are all into this RPG Maker community. Am sure people are familiar with the program. I used it a little bit back in the day, but felt Game Maker was far more versatile. Now, though, I can see some appeal in both, especially not being able to wrap my head around how to logic out my own turn based system from scratch. So I’ve been fiddling around with it in trying to make my own ideas work, and joining their forums and meeting lots of friendly and helpful folks. Thing is, whenever I get passionate about a project and share it, I seem to just lose interest early on, especially if I encounter problems and don’t feel like burdening others with them. So it’s been a bit of a halt on that. I tell myself now it’s ok and I’ll get back to it in time, but I have my doubts in my own willingness to do so.

In conjunction with that, there was Another Code Recollection that had come out, which I’m not exactly sure why but also seemed a catalyst for my currently trending mood of general gloominess. I had been excited for it enough to replay Trace Memory and Hotel Dusk, as well as Last Window for my first time last year. Though I had my worries going into it and didn’t enjoy everything about it, I honestly felt it was very worth it by the end on an emotional level. So why the bad? It’s hard to say with accuracy, but somehow Ashley’s character and probably her sort of altered friendship with Matthew got me thinking on my own interpersonal relationships in my life.

I don’t like to make everything about my autism, and it still may not be, but it definitely feels like something that keeps creeping in on my. My younger self had let it consume me once, not helping with that aforementioned grief as I’d resigned myself to a life of solitude and effectively pushed others away with it back then. After that I’d come to reject the idea that it was some evil force permeating my life and ruining it like I saw others on forums doing, determined to not let it define me.

I hope I’m not doing that now, because I don’t like the idea of shoving off personal responsibility. However, in part I feel like that may have made me blind to some very real issues others on the spectrum face and that I may be as well. That, and probably just not understanding them so well. But things like masking, well, I thought I’ve simply become better at socializing over time, but now I’m not so sure…part of me asks, does it really matter if I’m putting on a vague persona in social interactions if the outcome is more or less similar? Even if it does feel it drains my energy more to do so? These days I still get exhausted from large gatherings and parties and such, and I wonder if that had more an effect on me at my last job, having to be around people constantly on four 10 hour shifts a week and absolutely crashing when I’d get home. I really can’t do another job like that.

But what’s also concerning is conflict avoidance. Certainly not something exclusive to autism, but it definitely makes sense as I look back at a lot of particularly stressful events in recent years. Many folks understandably get angry or upset in heated arguments and such, but I’ve found myself crying in a lot of these situations where many times it is unprofessional or inappropriate, and it is increasingly embarrassing as I get older. I can’t really say for sure, but considering I’ll barely shed a tear at things like weddings or funerals where it’s entirely normal, I’m just feeling weird about it all. I’m left to wonder how I can possibly treat this kind of thing at all when inevitably more things like this will come up in my life, especially in work environments or at times where I have to try and stick up for myself.

I’ve told myself for a long time I just don’t want anyone anymore, when that part of my life used to be so important to me. Some who are more naive often give the advice to stop looking, it’ll happen naturally…not really when you’re a shut in and only meet people at your job, and don’t have any hobbies that get you out and about. Aside from all of that, craving a sort of intimacy with someone on my terms, rather than having to deal with any of society’s games or expectations of a man, especially nowadays when even the more average have everything going against them. I just don’t see any realistic scenario wherein I find myself with someone who isn’t absolutely toxic or demanding in some unhealthy way. But at the same time, it is getting very difficult to deal with being alone, and I can only see these other issues I mentioned getting even more in the way of that ever having better chances. Avoiding hardship, feigning confidence, never following through on anything…it all seems like a mix for disaster.

The other day I happened to come across a profile of someone who might have been the center of that black hole…she was very important to me, and it’s not worth going into such a long drawn out story or naming names or anything, but it’s been hard to forgive her and myself for stuff that happened at the end. I listened to my better judgement for once and decided against making contact. But it dredged out some really bad memories and made me reflect on what happened and how long it’s been.
 
Hello again everyone!
You're probably wondering what happened over at my end too. Well the thing is, I am currently in the most downtrodden state possible, I will explain why:
Last month I restarted my work at the assembly facility after almost a two-year hiatus. Everything was going by just fine, until my dad had a minor car accident on an Austrian highway. Thankfully, he was not injured, BUT the thing was that my mom started accusing him of causing the accident on purpose and that he was intoxicated when that happened. On the other hand, when my dad came home, I spoke to him and didn't smell his breath at all, meaning that he was only shell-shocked from the accident and completely sober when he arrived home. Unfortunately, my mom did not believe me, or my dad and as a result, they've been arguing for almost a month by now and I slipped back into my depression because of all this.
Right now I'm trying to put the whole work on hold, but my boss told me to stop thinking about all this. Above all, I have decided to leave my family and start looking for an apartment somewhere outside my hometown, where I'll finally be able to live a more independent life. The thing is however that I'm a handicapped individual and it would be a lot harder for me to live independently, but at least I'll try to work something out.
 
I've always stuggled with severe anxiety and depression. Only thing keeping me going are meds and family to be honest. I work in Hospice now and that can be depressing enough but it doesn't bother me much. It's nice to be able to help families through the worst time in their life. Being a nurse in general makes me an anxious fucking mess, period, though.

My mom has CHF and is always going in and out of bad health. Been intubated twice, had some mini strokes and a small heart attack and is only 58.

Aunt has beginning stages of MS and has fallen a few times and broken a couple bones already.

Dad has stage 4 cancer (if he's still alive, I don't keep in contact with him. That sounds super shitty but he was never really a part of my life)

my genes fucking suck

Lost my dog Lain almost 2 years ago and still not over that shit. Lost her super suddenly and wasn't there with her when she passed which haunts me. Had her 13 years since she was like 6 weeks old.
 
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Hey @chaos, I'm truly sorry to hear about all the challenges you're facing. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, but it's admirable how you're still pushing through with the support of your meds and family. Working in Hospice must be emotionally demanding, but your ability to help families during such difficult times is incredibly valuable.If you ever need someone to talk to or support, know that we're here for you. Additionally, considering the challenges you're facing, you might find some helpful resources on medical cannabis online. Take care, and hang in there. You're stronger than you know.
 
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Currently visiting my friend in Herefordshire and will be in Dorset next. This is a nice trip and the first of my new lifestyle. Loving it down here and in a few months i can start planning on my next step in life or countrymmexport1710350885576.jpg
 
Tonight the nostalgia hits harder than i thought. Listening to "Nightfall" from Shenmue 1 OST and the phrase "time flies" hits different today. Miss the old days. Life seemed fuller and richer than in the modern world.
 
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The modern world is weird, I know where you’re coming from. It’s easy to get jaded, but keep immersed in your interests where you can and something always comes up.
 
Hey I’m 19 years old been a gamer my entire life, first played shenmue in 2018, a couple of years ago I really started to miss the old days but I was kinda looking forward or towards the future for a year now I went back to my hobbies after a long while i play video games a lot old & new and i went back to watching movies i’m trying to create new memories in gaming by completing or playing old games i never did all tho i have a dire feeling in my heart that the near or almost distant future will be boring for the most part I have personally a couple more years left before a start my own family i need some advice from people that have experience my question is when do you really start missing those old days and how do make new memories or still have fun despite having work or working a little more than 8 hours what do you do, what should I do?
 
Hello again everybody!
So after a hiatus I am once again back to give you an update on what exactly's been going on with my life. You probably already know that my parents were on the verge of a divorce, but thankfully the whole thing pivoted and my mother has formally apologized to both me and my father for acting like a monster towards us. Moreover she helped me fill out some relocation applications for my future, as living with four different disorders is stressing us all out so I'll be relocated to a special needs institution outside of my hometown.
After my relocation however I am handing the reigns of my parents' future into their hands too. The reason why I'm writing this is because I usually mediate arguments between them so that things don't escalate out of control and into chaos.
Tomorrow I'm heading to my relatives for an Easter meeting and breakfast and now that my parents have made a truce, everything will hopefully be a lot more bearable for us all.
 
LittleBoShenmue said:
Hello again everybody!
So after a hiatus I am once again back to give you an update on what exactly's been going on with my life. You probably already know that my parents were on the verge of a divorce, but thankfully the whole thing pivoted and my mother has formally apologized to both me and my father for acting like a monster towards us. Moreover she helped me fill out some relocation applications for my future, as living with four different disorders is stressing us all out so I'll be relocated to a special needs institution outside of my hometown.
After my relocation however I am handing the reigns of my parents' future into their hands too. The reason why I'm writing this is because I usually mediate arguments between them so that things don't escalate out of control and into chaos.
Tomorrow I'm heading to my relatives for an Easter meeting and breakfast and now that my parents have made a truce, everything will hopefully be a lot more bearable for us all.
Click to expand...
All the best to you and your family! 🫶
 
After spending a while back and i have pretty much sorted out family stuff in UK I have decided to move to Guangzhou and get back with my ex gf and go back into teaching later this year and before that will spend a few weeks in Florida. The difference about this run is that i will be a fitness freak as opposed to being a heavy drinking expat. Will be down the road from HK too.
 
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It's been a while since i've posted here, but so much has happened - good and bad.

I am now married (and our 1st month anniversary is this weekend!). Growing up, I never thought I would be worthy of being married, but it's one of the few times i'm glad i've been proved wrong. It's mad to think that i've been with my now wife for over 6 years, but 5 of of them were spent apart where most of our conversation was essentially a couple of whatsapp messages a few times a week. But we're settling into our new lives together quite nicely. I still feel awkward at times, but I use my autism in a humourous way and she is very understanding (“Yes, it’s OK to play games and watch films!” she’ll often say!)

We’ve had a few awkward conversations (mostly about children; she wants them, I’m unsure), but otherwise we’re very happy. Our wedding day was beautiful; we had to move it forward in a panic due to the Government’s evil rule of increasing the salary requirements to bring a loved one overseas. As the new rule was implemented the other day, I am £500 short which would mean that if she didn’t move over by now, she wouldn’t be allowed. To make things more farcical, I’ll meet that requirement with a pay rise next month, but then the threshold increases by another £8,000. It still makes me nervous how close by the skin of our teeth we did all this. We have submitted the next visa two weeks ago just to make doubly sure that we did it before the threshold increases. My local MP tells me that as she’s here already the rules don’t apply, but I have no faith in this government.

Anyway, back to the wedding and despite all the stress and tears getting things done, we were greeted with the warmest day of the year and – I kid you not – the sun shining through the church when my wife walked down the aisle. My best men got a musician to make a diss rap about me (which was really funny) and I overcame my shyness to express my love for my wife. We’re still learning, but we’re both doing our best.

I’ve also talked about my father’s difficulty with getting PIP. We’ve made a small breakthrough in that he is getting some kind of payment. Still working on the main thing, but it’s a start. He is also having surgery on his throat in a couple of weeks and although he seems positive, I’m still a bit scared about what will happen. I pray he will be OK because i'm scared when I or people I love are unwell. My brother recently had a seizure and my mother has been on and off work, so it’s been a struggle. My priority is my wife, but I’ll continue to do my best. It’s tiring stuff. The good will out though <3

Finally, my darling Butters-dog was put to sleep last night. He almost made it to 16 years old which is 3-4 years older than the average for his breed. His legs and body have weakened a great deal over the last years and it came to a head a couple of weeks ago where he could barely stand. I was scared of this day coming for so long, so when the decision was finally made, I felt at peace. My family are struggling with money (who isn’t in the crooked UK?) and hearing that putting him down and cremeating him would be £600 I felt physically sick. Luckily my parent’s neighbours were doing some grounding works so my Dad paid £20 for the contractor to dig a grave. This means that Butters can be buried next to Lucy-dog and Sam-cat who both died 2 years ago. He was surrounded by his family and it warmed my heart that in the last half hour of his life he perked up and was smiling. I think that he knew what was happening and wanted to make us happy. He died peacefully and though the tears haven’t come; I know they will be. Instead of feeling grief, I’m trying to think of all the joy (and frustration!) he’s brought to me and everyone who knew him. Me and my wife have written him a note to be buried with him (as I type this – this will be done in an hour). The photo below is the last photo I took of him last night. Seeing him smile for the first time in weeks melted my heart. I love him with all my heart. I hope he's reunited with Lucy-dog, Sam-cat and Polly-dog (our oldest dog) <3

1712937654394.jpeg
 
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