Mental Health Dojo

My big brother is in mountains of debt. He's alway lived way beyond his means and borrowed his way through life, now it looks like it caught up with him. He called me a month or so ago asking for £600 to keep bailiffs off him. Usually I would say no but he looked and said that he was stressed out and this was getting to him. I said I would lend him the money, but we need to have a sit down talk and go through his debt with the idea to come to a permanent solution.

Through work he earns like £13k a year and borrowed £19k on 34% interest to buy a used Range Rover. He has the latest phone at over £50 a month and I could go on and on about the gross overspending he's done.

I put a plan together for him to reduce some of the stupid expenses. As predicted, he missed paying me back when he got a government debt grant, giving me like £100 out of the £600 he owes and promised he will give back to me once said grant came through.

I then got asked probably what is the most astonishing question I've ever been asked. He messaged me asking for a favour. Over the summer period, he wants to do some DJ work and asked me if I could take out a £1,200 loan (through the website) to buy him a new mixer (he already has one) and he'll pay me back it 3 installments.

Honestly, some people just can't be helped.
 
Yeah, once people are too deep into credit, they can't come out unless they get a one-time, debt clear loan...

... but you have to qualify for it and it's HARD to qualify for it, the more debt you've accumulated.

The most numerous of a lending product I've done in my job is a debt consolidation loan and of the 60 or so I've done over the past 5 years, literally less than 5 got back into trouble again. The rest continued to live on credit in some sort of way, but all at 1/6 the amount and at significantly lower interest rates (almost all went to predatory lenders at some point and that was the main debt that was cleared off).

Not taking the blame off your brother, but the lender that did the loan for the RR (which is a shit vehicle, TBH) should NEVER have been allowed to do that: if that was done here in Canada, unless a private lender, they could be whistleblown and have their job suspended/revoked. The rate is criminal enough, but on a 13,000 a year salary? Madness.

Your brother needs to get a better job, period. Construction labourer, janitor/custodian, fast food FFS, ANYTHING full time.

That'll cure a lot of the issues.
 
It's been a pretty grim time for my family lately; my father is still off work long term sick (and is on Universal Credit) and my brother is the same as he's had a couple of meltdowns. I think his ADHD has really made him suffer. He has also admitted he has an alcohol problem and has been going to AA meetings. Because i'm very sensitive, he's held off telling me, but when he did, I simply said I was proud of him for doing something about it. I've lent him money where I can, but it's something I don't like to do, because it makes me uncomfortable. For what it's worth, he's always paid me back when i've lent him money, but as i've got a wedding to plan (which is difficult when my fiancee is at the other end of the world) and i'm trying to live my own life, it's tough.

I hate that I can't fix people's problems, so my solution is to bury my head in the sand. Luckily, now i've moved out i'm in the out of sight, out of mind phase, but that doesn't always work. I feel uncomfortable that i'm now a homeowner, about to get married and have been treating myself to some concerts and holidays whereas my brother is barely treading water, but i've told him that he's make so many mistakes that he has to confront them. I can only imagine what it's like to have ADHD and live in a quiet village where the only means of entertainment is the pub. I think he's taking AA seriously, so is sticking to soft drinks and 0% alcohol, but it can't be easy. He's learning to drive and he passed his theory, but he can no longer afford lessons. He can barely afford to travel to work (my parents have to give him a lift to the station and I try to give him a lift home where I can). Unlike me, he can't stand working from home. He had a messy breakup recently too which probably makes things worse.

I don't know; I just hate feeling so powerless and I feel so selfish by wanting to keep out of arms length, but my brother is truly trying his best and i'm doing everything I can to support him that doesn't involve money. I just hate my father is sick and my family seem to be having such horrible luck. Living in the UK is fucking grim right now. I'm doing OK because I plan for everything, but i'd be panicking if I had to renew my mortgage in the current climate (I got a 5 year fix last summer just before Truss' kamikaze budget). I guess i'm a little lonely at the moment, although my fiance is helpful when we talk via video chat. She makes fun of me a lot, but in a gentle and loving way and her sense of humour keeps me sane.

Sorry for the rambling; i'm writing on a stream of consciousness which sometimes helps.
 
bcdcdude said:
It's been a pretty grim time for my family lately; my father is still off work long term sick (and is on Universal Credit) and my brother is the same as he's had a couple of meltdowns. I think his ADHD has really made him suffer. He has also admitted he has an alcohol problem and has been going to AA meetings. Because i'm very sensitive, he's held off telling me, but when he did, I simply said I was proud of him for doing something about it. I've lent him money where I can, but it's something I don't like to do, because it makes me uncomfortable. For what it's worth, he's always paid me back when i've lent him money, but as i've got a wedding to plan (which is difficult when my fiancee is at the other end of the world) and i'm trying to live my own life, it's tough.

I hate that I can't fix people's problems, so my solution is to bury my head in the sand. Luckily, now i've moved out i'm in the out of sight, out of mind phase, but that doesn't always work. I feel uncomfortable that i'm now a homeowner, about to get married and have been treating myself to some concerts and holidays whereas my brother is barely treading water, but i've told him that he's make so many mistakes that he has to confront them. I can only imagine what it's like to have ADHD and live in a quiet village where the only means of entertainment is the pub. I think he's taking AA seriously, so is sticking to soft drinks and 0% alcohol, but it can't be easy. He's learning to drive and he passed his theory, but he can no longer afford lessons. He can barely afford to travel to work (my parents have to give him a lift to the station and I try to give him a lift home where I can). Unlike me, he can't stand working from home. He had a messy breakup recently too which probably makes things worse.

I don't know; I just hate feeling so powerless and I feel so selfish by wanting to keep out of arms length, but my brother is truly trying his best and i'm doing everything I can to support him that doesn't involve money. I just hate my father is sick and my family seem to be having such horrible luck. Living in the UK is fucking grim right now. I'm doing OK because I plan for everything, but i'd be panicking if I had to renew my mortgage in the current climate (I got a 5 year fix last summer just before Truss' kamikaze budget). I guess i'm a little lonely at the moment, although my fiance is helpful when we talk via video chat. She makes fun of me a lot, but in a gentle and loving way and her sense of humour keeps me sane.

Sorry for the rambling; i'm writing on a stream of consciousness which sometimes helps.
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Honestly, it sounds like in the circumstances you are handling it all pretty well, so well done. It’s a shame that for now you are not together, but you are blessed to have a fiancée with whom you have such a connection.

Yes, the UK is pretty dire right now. But in life there are many things you can’t really control and without wanting to sound defeatist, it becomes much easier if you accept that. Beating yourself up about feeling powerless won’t help or achieve anything. Just focus on the day-to-day and what you can do and achieve for yourself.

This doesn’t have to be big things. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s all meaningless in the end anyway, but nevertheless you as a person can give meaning to anything you like. Study a language. Make a model. Do some DIY around the house. Literally anything you want. As Iwao told Ryo in his letter, choose your own path and follow it through.

Regarding loneliness, I know you don’t know me, but if you ever do feel really alone, do feel free to message if you need to talk to someone. I have been in that boat before.
 
bcdcdude said:
I think his ADHD has really made him suffer. He has also admitted he has an alcohol problem and has been going to AA meetings. Because i'm very sensitive, he's held off telling me, but when he did, I simply said I was proud of him for doing something about it. I've lent him money where I can, but it's something I don't like to do, because it makes me uncomfortable. For what it's worth, he's always paid me back when i've lent him money, but as i've got a wedding to plan (which is difficult when my fiancee is at the other end of the world) and i'm trying to live my own life, it's tough.
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Could be possible that your brother is burying something bigger, harder to tell, under the disguise of ADHD and alcohol addiction? Even a ocean wont be enough to fill a holed bucket, and maybe he is so scared, confused and even ashamed about something from his past he didn't felt yet confortable enough to disclose. Or maybe he did disclose to some friend and was laid aside, making him suffer double.
bcdcdude said:
I hate that I can't fix people's problems, so my solution is to bury my head in the sand.
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Because you're purpose shouldnt be fixing other people problems than yours, but to lend a ear and a hand and shoulder. But the help goes both directions: the person receiving your help must to take steps, from lower to higher. Giving back the help when energy is enough and changing way of living.
Addictions always cover deep pains and or abscences.
bcdcdude said:
I guess i'm a little lonely at the moment, although my fiance is helpful when we talk via video chat. She makes fun of me a lot, but in a gentle and loving way and her sense of humour keeps me sane.
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It sounds like she tries to lift weight from you by the method "laugh about yourself and the situation". Thats hard to do and indeed a healthy way to keep us balanced. Shouting why me, everything happens to me and so on just make the trance persist in time.
bcdcdude said:
Sorry for the rambling; i'm writing on a stream of consciousness which sometimes helps.
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Dont be. Writting down your thoughts can also be helpful to other people experiencing similar problems. Harry Mason taught us that ;).
Hugs
 
Man, I don’t post in here often, but today is particularly bad. I’d like to think I’ve come a long way to leading a relatively chill lifestyle, however lately it’s hard to say I’m not at risk of sinking back into mild depression. Catalyst being what seems to be a recurrence of a pilonidal cyst I’d had surgery to remove many years ago.

I just can’t go through this same bs again. I’ve already got kidney stone issues as well as some lung thing I haven’t got checked yet, and huge never ending medical bills on top of that despite already paying an arm and a leg for insurance, never mind this particular insurance being really shitty. But leave it to SolAero to offer the worst in literally anything. I just do not give a shit about this company after how hard I’ve worked for them for the last 2 1/2 years, almost 3 now. Not surprised that there’s a large cutoff between people only staying months here compared to lifers…but you’d think a fucking solar panel company that sends this stuff out into space would not have the same turnover rate as retail or fast food. Frankly I don’t know why I stick around in gradually worse conditions other than the fact I’m in Albuquerque. I wish I could push myself to get my art career goiing - but then we come back to my overall health and lack of energy.

Had an associate get something, forget what it’s called, but he’s going to have to be out because of something to do with the muscles in his arm and dehydration, something that could have shut down his kidneys had it been worse, and I’m willing to bet the amount of stress here compounded that more than it might have been otherwise. I think many people really underestimate the physiological consequences of mental health issues gone unresolved, and why I’ve made a big effort to first and foremost lead a more stress free lifestyle in recent months.

Mostly been through meditation and, since it’s legal here, some edibles lately. They were mostly doing good, but I had a bit of a scare last week where I hadn’t realized they may have an adverse effect on those who already have high blood pressure. So unfortunately for now I’ve had to stop taking them. Don’t want to come to rely on them anyway but they were helping me get to sleep and now I’m back to long hours at night having my mind wander too much.

Getting on a bit of a ramble here so I’ll try and get to my point. My boss has taken so much time off its nuts, but also seems to be taking advantage of working remotely. Maybe others more experienced can chip in but I’m of the kind that it’s a manufacturing job…nobody on the floor should be working from home when the product is crucial. However, being in QA since March, it’s been made pretty clear that she has no respect for our roles here and has been pushing us to just glance at stuff and pass them along. Thing is, blame will fall entirely on us if something fails, for all the fluff about working as a team. One more telling thing is I’ve got her quoted saying once it’s in space it’s not our problem. If I were a customer I’d be weary if working with us. Thank god I’ve kept a detailed journal of all this, but somehow I doubt our lazy HR department would give a shit. Getting anything from them is always a hassle.

So going in today has been an excruciating decision. My mother is always a pain about taking any time off for anything except for trips she plans. Would be much easier if I didn’t live with my family but it is what it is in this economy. I may as well take in the dough while feeling too miserable to actually do anything. They want me to bend the rules and just say stuff is fine? Whatever then. I do only make $15.94 an hour.
 
BloodyHeartland said:
I think many people really underestimate the physiological consequences of mental health issues gone unresolved, and why I’ve made a big effort to first and foremost lead a more stress free lifestyle in recent months.
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Its great that you say this because its true, even many doctors denies the mental health issues somatizing in physical issues, potentially disabling and lethal even.
Meditation its a understimated and mocked at times too, way of countering this. Its like a snowball, turning in avalanche. First you relearn to breath correctly, then you recover your back pose, and soon after all the benefits become evident.

BloodyHeartland said:
Since it’s legal here, some edibles lately.
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Im guessing you mean thc/cbd edibles? In my experience, thc its a very powerful and slow destructive psychotic. The fun status around it doesnt help but visiting any drug rehab clinic, at least here, the substance with more interns trying to quit is cannabis, way more than cocaine for example. What I mean is be careful, not just because the blood pressure but because it may unchain or worse previous conditions. CBD seems more appropiate for medicinal use but I didn't research enough so dont take it as a suggestion.
Sorry that Im not commenting the rest of your post but Im into a rough time too and I fear that my approach could be negative or harmful to you.
I weighted once near 50 kg. from a previous 70kg.
 
Not to turn this political, but it is still madness that the US doesn't have free healthcare: if I had your issue, I'd book an appointment with a dermatologist and even if it took 3 months to see them, they'd see me and in 3 1/2 months max, I'd have that cyst removed.

I'm sure you already know, Heartland, but it needs to be fully removed to stop it recurring, thus I would ensure you get a doc that knows what they're doing.

I know drawing is a big thing for you, but I would try looking for a new job, perhaps with a rival company or in the same industry? You have a few years experience and it could pay more too, so give it a shot! Can't hurt :)

Ultimately though, keep your head up: that's all you can do when everything else you're doing your utmost for. Never give up faith, 'cause if that goes, then it's even harder to come back from it.
 
Nathanial Essex said:
I haven't slept properly in 4 weeks. Usually I'll have random bouts of insomnia like symptoms but this is one of the longest stretches. It has already affected my productivity at work and made me snappy with the kids.
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You start with winning hand: realization, sense of responsability and wishing to do something.

I used to had major problems with sleeping and when finally got into, very lucid nightmares open eye like happened. At one point my brain resorted to night terrors/room visitors at almost daily basis, and got so used to it that when it started I "said" to the silouetes (one was a very realistic little girl who freaked me out doing very strange faces) or thought "yeah yeah, go away". This always happened when I went to sleep lying flat on my back so I changed to sleeping lying aside or mouth down. Then an episode of night terror happened while I was lying down and it was the worst: I couldnt move as usual but this time even not "opening eyes" and the "presence" felt very aggresive. It ran around the bed very fast and stomping hard, when I was trying to ignore it with the usual "this isnt real, etc" it pushed my back against the bed and I panicked because it was very real. I awake and determines something has to be done.

Checking it with doctors, I was adviced with a list of tasks (as Truck says, Im lucky enough to live in a country with universal health care, paid with taxes and the country budget). Besides treating my worries (undisclosed events mostly) this was the list:
- Change my diet and habits to a healthier one. Bye to strong dinners.
- No videogames at night, because it excites the organism.
- Cut down on stimulant drinks. I only drink coffee in this category, so it wasn't such an ordeal as someone who abuse Powerdrinks or Aligatorade. Also depressors like alcohol its an enemy.
- Regulate sleep times. This is hard for those with nightshift but its important, whenever you can, to sleep 6-8h between 00-8:00, 23-7:00... Dont be a nighthawk. Sleep like Ryo does.
- Physical activity. It was that simple. If you dont get tired during the day, your body will say "why are you putting me to sleep, bud? Gimme action, I wanna rock, we're not gonna take it, and so on"
Doing exercise reduces a lot, really a lot, being snappy. Specially if that exercise is martial arts, interior style. Tai Chi and Yoga are great (beware "charismatic" yoga gurus).
- Disconnecting from news of the world and focus on my goals.

Im still on it, the healing process. This last two weeks I made very important steps, that is sharing with my family what happened. But this couldnt be possible without doing the previous steps. This worked for me and I hope it also works for you, but always check with proffesionals to get a custom approach tailored to your necessities.

Oh, some relaxing ambient sounds too like waterfalls, a bonfire chirping, rain, pulse sound, etc. That helps a lot too for falling sleep.
 
Day before yesterday, I literally never slept throughout the night. I thought I may have dosed of here and there but not a single bit of sleep. Whole day yesterday I was in a daze and felt terrible. I had football in the evening and had to miss the previous week because of my sleep issues. This time I powered through it.

When I got home, I never turned on the TV like I usually do to unwind. I made a conscious effort not to and also not turn on the TV. I had a bit of wine (like a single shot worth) and drank some green tea. I the read a book for 10 minutes or so and went to be quite early (before 10pm).

I still had a little trouble falling asleep and woke up again at 5am, but this time feeling rested.
 
Nathanial Essex said:
I still had a little trouble falling asleep and woke up again at 5am, but this time feeling rested.
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Thats a start. In my case it wasn't suddenly sleeping like a baby but a progressive thing. Check your matress/cuishon and pillow, it has to be confortable. Here the heat waves aren't helping to the cause.
Did you tried sleeping on firm surface before? Some people find it better in many aspects.
Remember meditation, it hasn't to be a mystical kung fu approach if you dont like it like that. There's lots of approachs that you can choose for your needs.
Very important its to look on the midterm, because if you rush it then you're throwing stones to your own roof.
Similar to checking your weight every single day, avoid it by all means.
For me, reading at night gets me excited but in the other hand listening to a quiet radio show is like a lullaby.
And take strong breakfast like a richman, normal lunchs and dinners like a poor man (old spanish saying, free translation)
 
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Hello again everyone! You've probably been wondering what was going on over at my end. Well there was a lot, but unfortunately it was mostly bad. Allow me to explain:
In May I had to file an additional form regarding my handicap rights. The man at the committee was very kind to me as he told me that I will have to get a personal assistant as per my psychiatrist's request and assessment. He did warn me that it may take some time, as once again my country is notorious for procrastination in such cases. Then in June, I finally got assessed by the two-member committee of the Social Service network. Believe it or not, it took them almost nine months to finally reach out to me and when they came to me I was sweating bullets because I know just how strict these people can be.
Unfortunately this is where they used the Uno Reverse card on me. I received a message that I am not eligible for something like this and furthermore I am not allowed to take up any menial labor, except maybe part-time jobs. Right now I am thinking of filing a lawsuit against the whole system. If I manage to get myself a lawyer within the next two weeks, I might just get closer to fulfilling my goal. Ironically, I have a friend who lives several blocks away from me, who has the same condition and believe it or not, he got a PA despite being five years older than me. This is how absurd the laws and the system in my country are. On one hand they have enough money to purchase police cars and military equipment, but on the other when it comes to people who really need help like me it is up to the telethons and donations from blue and white collar population, who are continuing to struggle following a massive price hike.
Returning to my problems, not only did I suffer bureaucratically, but also personally and mentally.
While vacationing in Croatia I didn't have a single day without depression. And as always, my parents were arguing because of this. The worst thing was that we were down there for two weeks, so it was a fortnite of suffering. When I returned home from my holidays I visited my free therapy session, where my therapist ordered me to contact my psychiatrist ASAP, which I did. Even though he was on a holiday leave, I was lucky enough to be contacted by his deputy who prescribed some new meds, which work excellent.
Recently I've been replaying some games on my Playstation 4, one of them being Shenmue 3 of course. As of now I am finally feeling better, yet unfortunately I'll have to sue the system in my country. Wish me luck my friends.
 
Damn @Shansun95 what can I possibly say? Nothing but what a shitty situation. I hug you mate 🫂 Knowing that telling you this wont be any consolation but maybe sharing that Spain, so praised public health care, works similar in mental health area. Breaking a spear for doctors here, they use to deal with extreme really extreme cases but thats the end of my sympathy as this translates in treating any patient with depression really cold, untrusty and without time to talk. They have time of course, to prescribe medication without talking half an hour about your personal situation because labs pays travels with hotels all included. The EU aproved a law years ago making mandatory to create a public registry of medics paid by labs and boy did they claimed to the heavens.
If you point them the lack of empathy, they get bully asking you "do you hear voices, want to kill yourself?"
Then there are quotas. No matter if you apply to a treatment or help, if quota is covered you're denied.
Prejudging: I made the mistake years ago of going to treat a severe depression. That stays at least 5 years in my clinic history and just states "depression" past record. And if I need a friggin aspirine, laxative, or whatever this is what happen at any hospital, pharmacies... I start the conversation like anyone polite will do, the feedback is as normal as can get, give my social care card number, the past record pops on screen, the person in front of me changes his/her face and eyes wide open, look at me like if I were a deranged serial killer... Uh ah aspirine/lax/xyz? I can't give you that! Because crazy cuckoo yknow. And I have to explain that Im not asking for any opiaceus or benzodiazepin derivate and second, they're commiting unconstitutional crime by discrimination.
Maybe my post left you worse than at start? I hope not.
I wish you very very good luck.
 
Thank you @Seaman for sticking with me and sharing some of your thoughts.
Since we're already comparing health and medical systems between us, I would like to tell you that during the COVID-19 era practically every country in Europe and beyond had major problems in the mental health field. I know that in Spain the medical system nearly collapsed due to Covid, possibly because the population of Spain in aging pretty quickly, according to the median age reports. Here in Slovenia the situation is even worse, as nearly every fifth or maybe even every fourth inhabitant is either a retiree or above 65 years old, that counting those who are disabled and handicapped like me. Lately there has been a special law taken into consideration that will allow a better inclusion of the elderly and the disabled, yet the problem is where are they going to get the money to cover this?
Above all, if we compare other countries, such as Germany, Italy, Greece, Spain and Japan, most of the elderly are in a better position than in some other countries, yet following the massive price hike due to the conflict in Ukraine, even they are starting to feel the horror of not being able to afford basic necessities.
For me, age is merely a number, but then again I am getting more and more concerned for everyone's future, especially after everything that is happening right now (natural disasters, heatwaves, lingering Covid, armed conflicts, violent riots, etc.).
Returning back to my own self, I would like to share that I am most likely going to get special treatments involving a hyperbaric oxygen chamber. I managed to save up enough money and if everything goes well, I'll be feeling a whole lot better due to these treatments. Once again thank you to anyone who's reading this and sharing their thoughts, I'll write to you guys again soon, in the meantime I wish you all the best life has to offer, and above all stay healthy and safe.
 
And I'm back with an update: this post will be filled with silver lining thankfully.
Three days ago I've reached an agreement with my coach that I'll be following his instructions and train with him vigorously. Of course I had to pay him €200 for us to start working out as much as we can. For three days I was training for almost two hours straight so thoroughly that I most likely lost a few pounds already, as I don't feel that exhausted when going upstairs anymore. Basically I can safely say that I am now living with a similar hobby as Ryo Hazuki, albeit I'm in the bodybuilding waters, while Ryo's a martial artist and I also have a strict teacher.
The best part of all this is the fact that I don't feel any pain at all, quite the opposite! I feel a bit more energetic and healthy and a lot less depressed. If I keep this up, I'll finally become a lot more confident in myself and won't have to worry about any obesity-related diseases in the future.
 
Hello everyone!
This time around I am not writing because of my personal problems, but on the behalf of my fellow Slovenes, as well as Croats and Austrians.
As you probably know, over two thirds of my country and parts of two of our neighbouring countries were struck with the worst floods in the history of any of our homes. Following the unbearable heatwaves in June and July, we had a massive cold front that is still lingering over our country, causing everything from torrental rain and hail to something that is practically unusual for our ends: a fucking tornado! I would like to thank everyone who are currently helping with repairing the countless homes that have been completely decimated by both floods and landslides (our country is hilly and landslides are a common thing.).
Right now the entire European Union and beyond have offered us immensive aid in the form of food rations, clothes, medical supplies and even heavy construction machinery and military support. Our government has gladly accepted the aid and we are eternally grateful for every bit of help that comes our way.
Want to hear the most ironic part? Out of every country that offered help, two of them stood out as especially notable. Yes, I'm talking about our eastern Slavic brothers Russia and Ukraine. At first we didn't think they would respond, but thanks to the ambassadors and their contacts both countries were very swift to rush and respond (spasiba bratani!).
You're probably wondering what happened to me. Nothing! Thank God! However I did manage to donate monetary aid through some of the apps. I'm also thinking of providing more help, but for now, sending messages and purchasing food will have to do.
Once again, thank you very much for all the help provided, may it return to you tenfold.
 
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