- Jul 24, 2018
Hi Daniel. Really sorry to hear what you've gone through. I know you may feel like you're in a dark place at the moment but things will get better. I'm talking from experience. You have to keep pushing on. You've taken the right step in seeking therapy and it's always best to express your feelings and thoughts to others rather than bottle them up. I recommend trying cognitive behavioral therapy if you have access to it. That should help retrain your mind and help with any underlying emotional issues.About a week or so ago, I deactivated my Facebook and swallowed a shit ton of pills while drinking grog. I had a plan to end it.
After feeling groggy and regretful, I forced myself to throw up in regret and was rushed to hospital by my parents and put under suicide watch.
I was in hospital until Wednesday last week when they finally released me for home care convinced I wasn't going to harm myself. I've been in and out of group therapy. Every three hours they call my phone to make sure I'm not thinking about ending it again. My parents were a wreck. They've known that I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, but they've never seen me attempt before.
I don't know who I am anymore. I just feel so empty and I have felt so empty all year. More so than ever before. I feel I'm not worthy of anyone's respect. I feel I'm not worthy of being loved. I feel so much self hatred that I project it unto everyone else thinking if I hate me, then they all must hate me too, right? I feel just completely empty. Like I have no reason to go on. I can't find reason and just feel I'm drifting day in and day out. I hate myself more than ever before. I tell them over the phone that I'm not thinking that way. And it's true. It's why I forced myself to throw up the pills. I'm scared of death, but I hate the fact that I'm running on empty and just can't find any reason to get out of bed anymore.
I just reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take my brain chastising me. There are days where I'm struggling to find reason to get out of bed. I feel like I have no interest in anything anymore and the one last lifeline I had being Japanese ended and now I'm left with nothing. I have no idea how to make a career out of it, I don't have a degree so goodbye chances of living over there, not to mention the world is fucked! I fear I'm forever gonna be stuck in a dead end job that I hate living a meaningless pointless life where I just go to work, make money and come home and be faced with the reality that there is nothing. No hope, just a meaningless existence filling time to the day I die.
In the past, I've always had something to cling to in hope that things would get better. This year? I can't find anything. I feel completely and utterly empty and just trapped in my own mind with my mind beating the hell out of me for being less than everyone else. My friends are married with kids. I'm the last single guy with no direction in his life. They say they still love me and want me in their life, but my brain can not accept it. My brain just keeps telling "you know that's bullshit, you know they're just being nice, you know they're just saying what you want to hear...but deep down, they know they've moved on just as well as you do." I don't trust people at face value anymore. I just feel like no one wants to say the truth and I'm trapped with my mind telling me the harsh truth no one wants to say...other days I think that's crazy and I can't know what people really think...I don't know anymore.
Any talent I have can't be applied to a job would maybe make me happy. I feel like I'm just rotting and my brain grows more hateful of myself with every passing day. Everyone else has a reason for being and I can't find one single reason for me to be here anymore. But I'm too scared of death to actually do it and put me out of my misery. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't like thinking this way, but I can't escape it. I can't get myself out of this hole.
Everytime they call, I tell them I'm not planning on killing myself. But how do you tell them you're running on empty and am struggling to find any reason to keep going?
I'm not at that state of mind right now as I write this, far from it, but the self loathing is still here and present and I don't know how to turn off that voice inside that will not give myself a break. I just feel so damn empty and feel like I have nothing left to give and nothing earned.
You're a very smart, intelligent dude as seen by your posts on the forum. Perhaps it may be a good idea to try and find a way to use those skills in a personal endeavor or side project?
All of us no matter how we appear on the outside must face our internal demons at some point. But as I say, if you keep pushing forward, searching for the answers, you will get them eventually and overcome that inner battle.
If I recall correctly, you're only 33. Trust me dude, you're still very young. You have a good 60 years left ahead of you. Plenty of amazing things will happen in that time.
If you ever need a chat, we're all here for you. That goes for everyone
The best advice I can give all of you on this site is to actively learn about your mental and emotional health. Sure you might not know a lot about it now, but if you keep researching the topic, over time things will begin to click into place
A good book I recommend you all check out is "The six pillars of self esteem" by nathanal branden. This should hopefully be good starting point.
I'll try and pop into this forum more often going forward. Keep looking out for each other