Mental Health Dojo

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ShenSun

ShenSun

Site Staff
Joined
Jul 24, 2018
About a week or so ago, I deactivated my Facebook and swallowed a shit ton of pills while drinking grog. I had a plan to end it.
After feeling groggy and regretful, I forced myself to throw up in regret and was rushed to hospital by my parents and put under suicide watch.

I was in hospital until Wednesday last week when they finally released me for home care convinced I wasn't going to harm myself. I've been in and out of group therapy. Every three hours they call my phone to make sure I'm not thinking about ending it again. My parents were a wreck. They've known that I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, but they've never seen me attempt before.

I don't know who I am anymore. I just feel so empty and I have felt so empty all year. More so than ever before. I feel I'm not worthy of anyone's respect. I feel I'm not worthy of being loved. I feel so much self hatred that I project it unto everyone else thinking if I hate me, then they all must hate me too, right? I feel just completely empty. Like I have no reason to go on. I can't find reason and just feel I'm drifting day in and day out. I hate myself more than ever before. I tell them over the phone that I'm not thinking that way. And it's true. It's why I forced myself to throw up the pills. I'm scared of death, but I hate the fact that I'm running on empty and just can't find any reason to get out of bed anymore.

I just reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take my brain chastising me. There are days where I'm struggling to find reason to get out of bed. I feel like I have no interest in anything anymore and the one last lifeline I had being Japanese ended and now I'm left with nothing. I have no idea how to make a career out of it, I don't have a degree so goodbye chances of living over there, not to mention the world is fucked! I fear I'm forever gonna be stuck in a dead end job that I hate living a meaningless pointless life where I just go to work, make money and come home and be faced with the reality that there is nothing. No hope, just a meaningless existence filling time to the day I die.

In the past, I've always had something to cling to in hope that things would get better. This year? I can't find anything. I feel completely and utterly empty and just trapped in my own mind with my mind beating the hell out of me for being less than everyone else. My friends are married with kids. I'm the last single guy with no direction in his life. They say they still love me and want me in their life, but my brain can not accept it. My brain just keeps telling "you know that's bullshit, you know they're just being nice, you know they're just saying what you want to hear...but deep down, they know they've moved on just as well as you do." I don't trust people at face value anymore. I just feel like no one wants to say the truth and I'm trapped with my mind telling me the harsh truth no one wants to say...other days I think that's crazy and I can't know what people really think...I don't know anymore.

Any talent I have can't be applied to a job would maybe make me happy. I feel like I'm just rotting and my brain grows more hateful of myself with every passing day. Everyone else has a reason for being and I can't find one single reason for me to be here anymore. But I'm too scared of death to actually do it and put me out of my misery. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't like thinking this way, but I can't escape it. I can't get myself out of this hole.

Everytime they call, I tell them I'm not planning on killing myself. But how do you tell them you're running on empty and am struggling to find any reason to keep going?

I'm not at that state of mind right now as I write this, far from it, but the self loathing is still here and present and I don't know how to turn off that voice inside that will not give myself a break. I just feel so damn empty and feel like I have nothing left to give and nothing earned.
Hi Daniel. Really sorry to hear what you've gone through. I know you may feel like you're in a dark place at the moment but things will get better. I'm talking from experience. You have to keep pushing on. You've taken the right step in seeking therapy and it's always best to express your feelings and thoughts to others rather than bottle them up. I recommend trying cognitive behavioral therapy if you have access to it. That should help retrain your mind and help with any underlying emotional issues.

You're a very smart, intelligent dude as seen by your posts on the forum. Perhaps it may be a good idea to try and find a way to use those skills in a personal endeavor or side project?

All of us no matter how we appear on the outside must face our internal demons at some point. But as I say, if you keep pushing forward, searching for the answers, you will get them eventually and overcome that inner battle.

If I recall correctly, you're only 33. Trust me dude, you're still very young. You have a good 60 years left ahead of you. Plenty of amazing things will happen in that time.

If you ever need a chat, we're all here for you. That goes for everyone

The best advice I can give all of you on this site is to actively learn about your mental and emotional health. Sure you might not know a lot about it now, but if you keep researching the topic, over time things will begin to click into place

A good book I recommend you all check out is "The six pillars of self esteem" by nathanal branden. This should hopefully be good starting point.

I'll try and pop into this forum more often going forward. Keep looking out for each other
 

Truck_1_0_1_

I Don't Know, but I Have You!
Joined
Aug 5, 2018
Location
Barrie, Ontario, Canada
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Tokyo Xtreme Racer 2 (perfect Subaru run).
PSN
Truck_1_0_1_
Steam
Truck_1_0_1_
Hi Daniel. Really sorry to hear what you've gone through. I know you may feel like you're in a dark place at the moment but things will get better. I'm talking from experience. You have to keep pushing on. You've taken the right step in seeking therapy and it's always best to express your feelings and thoughts to others rather than bottle them up. I recommend trying cognitive behavioral therapy if you have access to it. That should help retrain your mind and help with any underlying emotional issues.

You're a very smart, intelligent dude as seen by your posts on the forum. Perhaps it may be a good idea to try and find a way to use those skills in a personal endeavor or side project?

All of us no matter how we appear on the outside must face our internal demons at some point. But as I say, if you keep pushing forward, searching for the answers, you will get them eventually and overcome that inner battle.

If I recall correctly, you're only 33. Trust me dude, you're still very young. You have a good 60 years left ahead of you. Plenty of amazing things will happen in that time.

If you ever need a chat, we're all here for you. That goes for everyone

The best advice I can give all of you on this site is to actively learn about your mental and emotional health. Sure you might not know a lot about it now, but if you keep researching the topic, over time things will begin to click into place

A good book I recommend you all check out is "The six pillars of self esteem" by nathanal branden. This should hopefully be good starting point.

I'll try and pop into this forum more often going forward. Keep looking out for each other

A great post with sound advice, but the bolded... heh. I WISH we had that long to live on this planet! lol
 

blixt

Banned
Joined
Jul 19, 2020
Lately, I have been sleeping like crazy. Completely exhausted. I feel like a log left out in the woods. Living in northern europe during wintertime is always the most difficult part of the year. The only ´medicine´ that works is tea, choclate, vitamin D and playing video games. But this time nothing is working. Soon there will be a turning point where we're slowly heading towards brighter days... Until its too bright.. so bright during the whole night that it's too difficult to sleep. Sure I can make the room darker but, regardless I can't get as good sleep during the summer. I guess I have to stay positive. But it can get really, really depressing not seeing the sun in months. Every day is dark, wet, grey and cold, only for a few hours, then it gets completely dark again. I think I prefer the summers. But now.. at least I don't have to deal with the annoying bugs and mosquitoes! 🦟
 
Joined
Dec 1, 2019
If it’s any consolation, living here in New Mexico after having lived in New Hampshire for most of my life, having bright sunny 50 degree days here is messing with my biological calendar and every time someone mentions Xmas I think to myself “isn’t that still months away?” It’s kind of depressing to me not having much cold weather in general, always having the annoying sun in my eyes outside.

At the very least I was able to find a specifically New England drink which happens to be my favorite.
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In other news, I’m putting in my 2 week notice tomorrow. Normally I’d wait until I have another job to transfer to but this is just awful here...washing trays, that’s fine, but this thing they call “catch” blows chunks, picking donuts off a conveyor belt. Not particularly hard work in itself but when I am told “you can take a break when it’s not busy/when someone else can cover you” and having the machine running constantly up until I’m supposed to leave and being forced to stay late because no one can take over, it’s just stupid.

New Mexico apparently doesn’t require employers to offer breaks, and so it resorts to federal law...which basically is the same thing. I guess most people here just work straight through 8+ hour shifts? Back in NH the law stated any shift lasting longer than 5 hours required at least a half hour unpaid lunch. So maybe I’m a wimp but I just can’t do this when I don’t even have time to use the bathroom or drink some water real quick, especially when I see other associates going all the time or hearing managers just chit chat in the office, and yet when I ask anyone to cover for me it’s “we’re too busy” fuck that.

I really tried but this may be my shortest time working a job yet. Hoping maybe I can get in where my father works where they are at least nice enough to offer breaks to him.
 
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blixt

Banned
Joined
Jul 19, 2020
Yeah .. :( I see. I hope you get a much better job that gives you more time to breathe.Your current one sounds too stressful or downright awful. No breaks, that's not the right way to treat a human being, just insane. I really shoudn't complain too much. There are others on here having much tougher lives than I have. Now after many, many days I finally have more energy back in my system. I'm getting a normal sleep pattern back on track. I've started cleaning my house.

I understand moving from New Hampshire all the way to New Mexico must be way different in terms of weather / climate.
By the way. We haven't had enough snow here the last years. This winter is the worst. No snow. just constant rain and everything is wet. Too much of anything sets people out of balance.

By the way. Why did you move so far away from where you came from? I'm just curious. You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. Just seems like a really long distance.
 
Joined
Dec 1, 2019
Oh, sorry if I made it seem like a contest or anything lol. Just saying I can relate. And really it’s not terrible, just hard adjusting here in more cv ways than one.

it’s kind of a long story but basically I had an uncle who moved out here back in the 70’s to work as some Air Force base and when he passed away this past summer, we found out he had hoarding issues. Instead of trying to sell it knowing it’d take forever to fly out repeatedly to fix it up, we decided to just move into his house and take the time we need to refurbish it and all. My parents at least were just about done with getting 5 feet of snow for weeks on end during winter and I can’t blame them for that at least.
 

bcdcdude

Dude with tweed :)
Joined
Aug 20, 2018
Location
United Kingdom
Favourite title
Shenmue
Currently playing
Yakuza: Like A Dragon / Shenmue II
PSN
bcdcdude
Steam
bcdcdude
I've been feeling down lately with the lack of control, being forced into tier 4 on Saturday (only found out yesterday), my inability to articulate how i'm feeling to those close to me, and the feeling that the world is on fire (I am ashamed to be English at the moment). However, none of that compares to the struggles I see others on the forum going through and I feel ashamed that others are going through much worse. So i'm sorry about that.

I've just finished my therapy and i'm no better off than i was before, although i'm learning some new coping techniques (although i haven't put them to good use yet). Funding has run out, so I can't have any more sessions. Once again, i'm in this weird disconnect where I feel my quirks and personality is a weakness, even though I consider it to be a strength.

I've been having phone chats with friends i've not spoken to for a while; i'm meeting some tonight for an outdoor party and as it's Christmas Eve, i'm trying to make the best of it. I have traditions i've done every year for the last decade - watch a Christmas episode of Futurama, watch Olive The Other Reindeer and It's A Wonderful Life, listen to 'Funeral' by Arcade Fire (despite the sadness of the album, it brings me comfort) and meet friends.

At quarter to midnight, I drive to my old village and I stand outside the church where midnight mass is being held. I never go in, but I like to stand outside and take stock of the last year. I always try to find positives and sometimes do a little prayer (i'm agnostic, but I find comfort in faith at times). This year will be so much harder, but i'm grateful that all those I care about are safe and well. Sometimes I want to cry as my carefully constructed plans have been destroyed time after time.

The only thing i'm not able to do this year is talk to my girlfriend. Sadly, her grandmother passed away last weekend and I know that she struggles to find the time. I'm grateful that we had our first video chat in half a year the other week as her Christmas box arrived in Japan. I still lack confidence in talking about our future (indeed, it's impossible to plan a week ahead let alone a year at the moment), but i'm trying the best I can.

I do hope that everybody on this topic will be safe and well. It hurts to read such sad stories, but i'm grateful that you are brave enough to share them. When I go see 'It's A Wonderful Life' again this afternoon, I think the story will be more relevant than ever. I'm always reminded of this line.

"Remember, no man is a failure who has friends".

It kinda links nicely with Shenmue's "keep those you love close to you". Please take care of yourselves. I know it's hard (and sometimes i'm guilty of failing to follow my own advice), but I have to tell myself the good will out. It has to.
 
Joined
Jul 28, 2018
Location
London
Weighed myself and I'm heavier than I've ever been in the past 10 years or so. Need to get my health back on track but every time I start eating healthy or exercising, just takes a month or two for things to fall apart. Though grateful for a job, work is stressful, my sleep is poor as usual and this lockdown is not helping much either. In short, when I do have free time I'd rather be in my own thoughts, rest or play a video game than exercise. Food is like my only pleasure at the moment and I'm finding it hard to stick to anything.
 
Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Location
Sydney Australia
PSN
danmann861
Steam
danielmann861
I keep hearing everyone say 2021 will get better, but what if it gets worse? I mean, here in NSW Australia, we're on the verge or threat of being put back into lockdown. I got to be honest, but this whole month has felt anything but usual. Christmas didn't feel much like Christmas. New Years Eve (or right now) doesn't feel much like New Years Eve being at home and locked away from friends.

I'm trying not to be so pessimistic but given the fact that one mere spread of this shit can seemingly throw us all back into lockdown doesn't leave me positive with hope for 2021 being any better. I'm really trying not to be pessimistic, but I really do fear things are gonna get worse before they get better.

I feel nothing tonight. Just a strange numbness. I can't pretend to be optimistic, but I don't want to be pessimistic. I just want some semblance of normalcy back.

I don't know. Tonight is a lonely night and its just that down mood of fearing the worst is still yet to come even if I don't want to think that way.
 
Joined
Jul 28, 2018
Location
London
Something from work said things should be back to normal by April. Fat chance.

This thing is not going away and as long as people interact it's going to spread, even with the vaccines.
 

Truck_1_0_1_

I Don't Know, but I Have You!
Joined
Aug 5, 2018
Location
Barrie, Ontario, Canada
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Tokyo Xtreme Racer 2 (perfect Subaru run).
PSN
Truck_1_0_1_
Steam
Truck_1_0_1_
Personally, I feel that once they can get a handle on hospital numbers, everything will be back to normal; that will only happen once people are vaccinated at such an extent, that the numbers will begin to drop.

That may take 3 months, that may take another year, I'm not sure, but the hospital numbers are all that really matter here.

Then, it will be like the flu; get a new vaccine (COVID shot) every year if you wish and if you get it, you get it. If you don't you don't.

Again, I'm not doctor or anything of that nature, but with my grasp of medicine and how things work, that's what I get from it.
 
Joined
Dec 1, 2019
I know this is the mental health thread but I feel this is relevant in that quite possibly focusing on my physical health might be able to make an improvement on the way I think.

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Didn’t start off so great today, having not done much of anything in the way of working out for months now, but I think I’ll get better if I just keep at it. At least I hope so. If Jeane can do it, I feel like I should be able to :p

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Joined
Aug 19, 2018
About a week or so ago, I deactivated my Facebook and swallowed a shit ton of pills while drinking grog. I had a plan to end it.
After feeling groggy and regretful, I forced myself to throw up in regret and was rushed to hospital by my parents and put under suicide watch.

I was in hospital until Wednesday last week when they finally released me for home care convinced I wasn't going to harm myself. I've been in and out of group therapy. Every three hours they call my phone to make sure I'm not thinking about ending it again. My parents were a wreck. They've known that I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, but they've never seen me attempt before.

I don't know who I am anymore. I just feel so empty and I have felt so empty all year. More so than ever before. I feel I'm not worthy of anyone's respect. I feel I'm not worthy of being loved. I feel so much self hatred that I project it unto everyone else thinking if I hate me, then they all must hate me too, right? I feel just completely empty. Like I have no reason to go on. I can't find reason and just feel I'm drifting day in and day out. I hate myself more than ever before. I tell them over the phone that I'm not thinking that way. And it's true. It's why I forced myself to throw up the pills. I'm scared of death, but I hate the fact that I'm running on empty and just can't find any reason to get out of bed anymore.

I just reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take my brain chastising me. There are days where I'm struggling to find reason to get out of bed. I feel like I have no interest in anything anymore and the one last lifeline I had being Japanese ended and now I'm left with nothing. I have no idea how to make a career out of it, I don't have a degree so goodbye chances of living over there, not to mention the world is fucked! I fear I'm forever gonna be stuck in a dead end job that I hate living a meaningless pointless life where I just go to work, make money and come home and be faced with the reality that there is nothing. No hope, just a meaningless existence filling time to the day I die.

In the past, I've always had something to cling to in hope that things would get better. This year? I can't find anything. I feel completely and utterly empty and just trapped in my own mind with my mind beating the hell out of me for being less than everyone else. My friends are married with kids. I'm the last single guy with no direction in his life. They say they still love me and want me in their life, but my brain can not accept it. My brain just keeps telling "you know that's bullshit, you know they're just being nice, you know they're just saying what you want to hear...but deep down, they know they've moved on just as well as you do." I don't trust people at face value anymore. I just feel like no one wants to say the truth and I'm trapped with my mind telling me the harsh truth no one wants to say...other days I think that's crazy and I can't know what people really think...I don't know anymore.

Any talent I have can't be applied to a job would maybe make me happy. I feel like I'm just rotting and my brain grows more hateful of myself with every passing day. Everyone else has a reason for being and I can't find one single reason for me to be here anymore. But I'm too scared of death to actually do it and put me out of my misery. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't like thinking this way, but I can't escape it. I can't get myself out of this hole.

Everytime they call, I tell them I'm not planning on killing myself. But how do you tell them you're running on empty and am struggling to find any reason to keep going?

I'm not at that state of mind right now as I write this, far from it, but the self loathing is still here and present and I don't know how to turn off that voice inside that will not give myself a break. I just feel so damn empty and feel like I have nothing left to give and nothing earned.
I typically don’t post in this section but just saw your post. I am not going to offer empty platitudes since it’s hard to imagine everything that’s going on with you.

I enjoy reading your posts on Shenmue and your contributions to the forums. Do me a favour and read the impressions thread when the Shenmue 3 backer demo was released. Those feelings of excitement and contentment will return.
 
Joined
Nov 12, 2019
Location
Slovenia/Croatia
Currently playing
Shenmue 3/Yakuza remastered collection/Pokemon GO
Hi guys. I welcome y'all in 2021 with an unfortunate post. Several days ago, during my sleep I caught a bug that closed my sinuses, causing a loss of smell and taste. To this day, I am still carrying it with me, and as a result, I have to get a preventive COVID sample test, that will probably deduct a few €€€€s off my debit card.
To make matters worse, our neighbouring country of Croatia got hit with a series of destructive earthquakes and aftermath tremors, causing a humanitarian crisis due to the location of the epicenters as well as the pandemic. My country was also affected by the earthquakes, but with no major damages.
However, that being said, my personal mental health started taking a downfall. First, we've been in a lockdown last November, with no possibility of using the public transport, thus I had no work. In December, while the transport got re-established, we only had about a week and a half of work left, before going back into our concrete cages. It was here that I started suffering from severe stress, as I was basically losing my mind from watching the same four walls over and over again. And now? I made several calls to several different hospitals and clinics around the country, and the answer was always the same: "Sir, these are signs, that you're COVID positive". My mom, who happens to be a nurse, told me, that I should instead focus on going to work, instead of wasting my time with these tests. But, hey: at least I'll figure out the truth, right? Besides, how can someone surely know, that I'm COVID positive, while talking through a phone?
Anyway, I fully doubt, that I got the virus, because I always wear a mask wherever I go. I even wash and disinfect my hands several times a day and avoid direct contact with other people as much as possible. Monday is the day I get tested so, fingers crossed guys!
 
Joined
Dec 1, 2019
The thing is, with masks, it is more about preventing the spread of your own germs than about shielding yourself from them. It doesn’t really work if not everyone makes the effort unfortunately. In any case, I will hope it’s nothing as severe for you as it was for me. Better to be safe than sorry.
 

Truck_1_0_1_

I Don't Know, but I Have You!
Joined
Aug 5, 2018
Location
Barrie, Ontario, Canada
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Tokyo Xtreme Racer 2 (perfect Subaru run).
PSN
Truck_1_0_1_
Steam
Truck_1_0_1_
Hi guys. I welcome y'all in 2021 with an unfortunate post. Several days ago, during my sleep I caught a bug that closed my sinuses, causing a loss of smell and taste. To this day, I am still carrying it with me, and as a result, I have to get a preventive COVID sample test, that will probably deduct a few €€€€s off my debit card.
To make matters worse, our neighbouring country of Croatia got hit with a series of destructive earthquakes and aftermath tremors, causing a humanitarian crisis due to the location of the epicenters as well as the pandemic. My country was also affected by the earthquakes, but with no major damages.
However, that being said, my personal mental health started taking a downfall. First, we've been in a lockdown last November, with no possibility of using the public transport, thus I had no work. In December, while the transport got re-established, we only had about a week and a half of work left, before going back into our concrete cages. It was here that I started suffering from severe stress, as I was basically losing my mind from watching the same four walls over and over again. And now? I made several calls to several different hospitals and clinics around the country, and the answer was always the same: "Sir, these are signs, that you're COVID positive". My mom, who happens to be a nurse, told me, that I should instead focus on going to work, instead of wasting my time with these tests. But, hey: at least I'll figure out the truth, right? Besides, how can someone surely know, that I'm COVID positive, while talking through a phone?
Anyway, I fully doubt, that I got the virus, because I always wear a mask wherever I go. I even wash and disinfect my hands several times a day and avoid direct contact with other people as much as possible. Monday is the day I get tested so, fingers crossed guys!

Hate to hear that, Shansun; again, I'm not a doctor, but from all that I know and have been exposed to, in regards to the virus, loss of smell and taste is consistent with EVERYONE I have spoken to/come across, who has had the virus. Everyone, without fail.

I hope you are recovering and feeling better, whether you have it or not and that you had a great New Year's!
 
Joined
Nov 12, 2019
Location
Slovenia/Croatia
Currently playing
Shenmue 3/Yakuza remastered collection/Pokemon GO
Update on the situation you guys: on Monday I got tested via the quick test and the results showed that I am unfortunately positive. However, the symptoms are not severe and are quickly subsiding, thanks to the fact that I'm only 25 and I do not smoke, drink, nor abuse drugs. Even though, I should write this post in the Coronavirus section, I already discussed the matter in an earlier post I made here, so hopefully there won't be any hard feelings about posting in the wrong area.
I also certainly hope I did not upset anyone with the fact that I'm Covid positive. I am currently in my 10-day isolation period enjoying some of my hobbies, although it would be great if I could really start with my work this year.
I am also thanking everyone for sending me wishes both right away and in advance. Here's looking at 2021.
 

xatruio

Site Staff
Joined
Jul 27, 2018
Location
Chicago
Favourite title
What's Shenmue
Currently playing
Shenmue 3
10-14 day isloation should be easy for any Shenmue fan. DON'T PRESS THE WAIT BUTTON
 
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