Mental Health Dojo

Guppy said:
Even though I am at the lowest point in my life, mentally and financially, I just thank God I'm not a Karen or a Trump supporter. After following the news I just came to realize that with privilege and equality, not having your way feels like oppression to most.
Click to expand...
v6d4zospdi151.png
 
I’m at my heaviest I’ve ever been right now. I’m at 225kg. For comparison, when I had my back operation 3 years ago, I was weighed in at 170kg. Last year hit me hard and to cope, I ate and I ate and I ate. I wasn’t coping. At all. I was trying to put on a brave front, but the truth is I’ve been dead inside for the last year. And to cope, I just ate and ate and ate. Worse than I’ve done ever before. I think last year was my year of being completely dead inside while trying to put on a brave front that I was "okay."

Walking around the city this weekend, I was actually ashamed. I’ve never felt ashamed before; self hatred, yes, but never ashamed to walk around, but I was embarrassed to walk around this weekend. I didn’t want to be seen. I felt like a tank strolling around.

I was embarrassed to even meet friends. They weighed me last Thursday at most recent check up and I actually broke down in to tears when the number came in. I knew the weight gain was bad last year, but I didn’t think it was THAT bad. The self delusion that you tell yourself “it’s okay” when it really isn’t.

I know what has to be done....I know what I have to quit and what I have to do...but fuck me, seeing that number show up on the hospital scales really got to me...maybe in a good way though. I knew I had gained weight, but I didn't think it was that bad

As I've said to my therapist time and time again, everything is shit to me and everything was pointless. There was no hope last year and the only way I coped was to eat myself stupid.

I don't want to be this way, but I'm struggling to find motivation when my brain will not stop dictating every facet of my life. I tried taking a step in the right path. I'm three days down without soft drink (coming from a guy who was close to 6 cans a day; this is quite a feat)...I've been cold turkey before on Soft Drink. The longest I got in the past was 4 months before I broke due to reasons of rejection and heartbreak that are best left in the past.

I'm a stress eater. When I get stressed, my instinct is to eat the worst shit imaginable and drink myself stupid with soft drink. Not a great way to live and a habit that is HARD to break. I've done it a few times before, but I'm struggling to do it again.

I don't know how to keep myself motivated with eyes on the prize while telling that stupid voice inside to fuck off and stop telling me "no."

Truth is I was $20,000 in Credit Card debt last year. When Covid hit last year, I lost my job, I had to declare bankruptcy and worst of all, I had to move back home with my parents. As of today, I'm working casual maybe 3 shifts a week at best which is barely providing enough income to live. I was so depressed that I started eating like crazy to compensate. I have some savings from my 13 years of employment pay off that has been seeing through, but that's starting to trickle down as of late. I'm scared....I'm truly fucking scared. I have no college degree. My one goal of maybe moving to Japan and pursuing something feels impossible...and as such, I lost hope...I lost all hope in everything.

There was nothing to live for. Nothing to wake up for. So I started eating more and more to try and fill that void. And then Christmas time arrived and that was when depression really sank to an all time low and I tried to kill myself.

Ever since I've been in and out of therapy trying to deal with this shit. Seeing my weight this week was my breaking point. I finally broke down and cried at self realization at just how bad things have gotten.
 
Last edited:
So sorry to hear this, Dan :(

Not only were things bad for you, but all the negative shit happened all at once, it seems (and this was the breaking point). The hope for Japan I think should be kept alive; you absolutely have a good grasp of the language and you can definitely achieve something, so don't ever give that up.

The weight is obviously something that needs to get worked on; I can bet that a good portion of us on here is overweight (me included :(), but the good news is that at the weight you're currently at, it's easier to lose a big chunk than if you were lighter.

If I were in your shoes, I would put together a playlist or a grouping of a ton of songs (an hour or more's-worth) and then put it on an MP3 player/phone/your most-desired way of listening to music on the go.

I would then go for a walk, every day, with listening to the music that you have and even if you get tired, keep going and keep going; especially now being summer for you guys, I'm sure the weather is great!

Cutting out pop will indeed really help as well, as your sugar intake will be cut-down significantly. Despite it also containing a ton of sugar, I would suggest eating a bunch of grapes every day or even have a glass of wine or grape juice every day, as that will help with your blood pressure and make sure that the blood is flowing, so that your blood can perform and carry oxygen effectively, on your walks (and you'll be less-tired/have more stamina).

I know the feeling of weight gain and how it can make you feel crappy; have dealt with it all my life. When I was 208 lbs in 2009, I was over the moon that I had lost almost 40 pounds in the previous year and that number went down to 192 at its lowest... but it didn't last, because as soon as I was diagnosed with cancer and had my cancer surgery, the weight went right back up :(.

I currently sit at 255 pounds or so (115 kg, I think) at 6'0 and while I am absolutely overweight, I eat very healthily and it is more due to my job (my BP was taken last year and it was inline with what a 15 year-old teenager would be, something like 113/75, at this same weight), as I sit around for 8+ hours a day. Christmas goodies and large meals had me put on about 13 pounds in a month (which happens every year), but I started boxing again (went on hiatus for about 3 months, as the chain for my bag broke and with lockdown, I couldn't get a replacement hook until right before Christmas. Funnily-enough, my chain broke again last week lol, but I purchased a backup when I got the replacement before Christmas, so I'll be back at it tomorrow) and in 2 months, once the ice finally starts to melt, I'll be walking to work and back 4 days a week again, so I should be back to 240ish by the summer and possibly even-lower.

Food is such a wonderful thing, but diet really does dictate over 75% of your body; it's why with just a bit of walking everyday, you should be able to start losing the pounds and that can lead to even bigger leaps, like running/jogging and possibly even getting into weights and the like.

Don't give up, Dan; things may never be the absolute best they can, but they can always improve and if you make the best of ay situation (I know, a shitty sitch is a shitty sitch), even just the outlook can help out a ton; you've acknowledged where you need to improve and you know what to do, so I would say to put your best foot forward and go for it!
 
Speaking with my brother the other day and he was seemingly opening up about his mental health, just a little. He's feeling a little under but mentioned he had no motivation, wasn't enjoying his usual pass times and in the middle of the night had an urge to speak with our mother, just for the sake of a conversation.

I've been in quite dark places having no job, quite literally no friends and nothing to do but lay in bed and watch TV all day (ironic as that's now what I long for now I have two young children). I'll literally take all his pain and hardship if it meant he would live a happy life.

Making sure my brother is mentally healthy and financially secure enough it doesn't affect his mental health is one of my main concerns in life. It's on my mind every day just as my children and their development.
 
I could cope with being a hermit (I've managed for years) during the pandemic, but the actual emotional struggle for me is caring for my terminally ill dad.

Caring for my dad isn't the issue for me (I love my dad). I don't think I've properly processed what he's going through. I'm still in disbelief over my dad's predicament.
 
I'm starting to get really tired these days.

I have my diploma in video for 4 years and a half now.

Since then, I have been unable to land a propre stable job. I have 3+ years of professionnal experience, between unpaid internship (sigh), small jobs etc...

Last summer, I succeeded to have permanent position. But more than that, It was kinda my dream job that I landed too ! I was supposed to be a technical video teacher. It was a 80% contract (so, giving me enough time to work on my personnal projects, play video games, etc...), well paid (finally financially independant, enough money to invest it in my projects, have fun etc...), great job conditions (so i knew I wouldn't wake up in the morning hating my life, as it happened on previous jobs...), etc... I love being a teacher (i've already taught video alot, when I was young I wanted to be a teacher). Simply put : it was the job i've always dreamed of (except directing movies ofc).

Suddenly, my contract was cancelled just before I started, because of Covid 19, obviously. That hitted me pretty hard, tbh. But I tought not to let me be beaten by life, and in the future this opportunity might come again, who knows.

At the beginning of the year, in january, I started an internship that was supposed to be 3 months long and then transform into a permanent position. It was in digital marketing. It wasn't my dream job, but I tought, a job's a job, you know ? The internship was hard, I didn't like the job that much, but it was better than being unemployed. My boss really wanted to develop video marketing for his company. He was pretty confident, because with Covid, most companies changed their marketing strategies into digital, so his company was becoming really successful.

But the internship was stopped after a month, because, Covid, again... Basically, most companies he was working with started to stop spending much money into digital marketing, or completley stopped their digital strategies, or even went bankrupt. So basically my boss told me that he would be unable to pay me my permanent position, and if things kept going like that, he might have to also change his strategies, so after a month, we stopped our collaboration there.

Now, I am postulating for positions where I am already over-qualified (even tho I didn't have a proper permanent position, I have way more experiences and knowledge than what was asked), but I still can't land any job. Because people who are even more qualified than me are postulating for the same jobs.

To give you an example : I postulated for a "beginner's job" (I don't know the proper term in english, sorry. But basically it is supposed to be a job for people who just finished school and only have a few months of professionnal experiences). But I didn't land it. Instead, a friend of mine landed it. But this friend of mine has a TREMENDOUS profile : he's been working for 13 years now in this field. He's work a big companies, he was working independant for 5 years now. 2 years ago he directed a feature-lenght movie at Hollywood produced by LionsGate. They were looking for distributors. Sadly for him, last year he was supposed to direct a major movie for Universal Studios (a 15 millions $ buget movie) and was about to shot a pilot for a TV Show that Universal Studios ordered. So he was about to have his life sorted out. His movie he directed 2 years ago was about to get distributed. They landed a contract for europe distribution and were in talk to distribute it in the US as well and make an international release. Of course, Covid came, so the distribution contract was no more, and Universal cancelled both the movie and the TV Show. The dude, after some time, couldn't find enough job as a free-lance worker. So he started looking for a job, any job, to find some stability. So of course, comparing our two profiles, his one was the way to go, it's obvious.

So of course, while I'm sad for my friend as well, because some big projects he always dreamed of suddenly disappeared because of Covid, and that he had to settle for a Job that is almost insulting to his level of knowledges and capacities in video making, it makes people like me even further from landing a job too. And this is just an example. I have other friends that took job where they were way overqualified, because they had no choice. I have been rejected from job where even I was even overqualified, but when I asked what was the cause of me not being chosen, it was always "you have a great profile, but we found people with more qualifications and more experiences", even for "low-level" jobs.

And now, I feel "stuck" you know ? I feel lost. I feel like I'm never going to get a job. That I am forever going to stay at my mum's house... And I must admit that at this point, it's starting to get to me pretty hardly...
 
"Entry-level," is the type of Job you were trying to describe; I know exactly what you mean :(

You do appear to have a fair-bit of experience, thus when the pandemic slows/ends, a ton of jobs in the media field will be needed again, entry-level or not and you will soon be back: I've seen it with friends, family and their friends/family, as Ontario has gone through the different stages of lockdown. Nothing remains 100% the same forever and you'll be back on track before you know it! ;)

Just keep on creating; when it comes to content, the more you pump out, the more chance it has of being seen/lead to something fruitful :)
 
Truck_1_0_1_ said:
"Entry-level," is the type of Job you were trying to describe; I know exactly what you mean
Click to expand...
Ah yes, that's the word I was looking for ! Thank you =)

Truck_1_0_1_ said:
You do appear to have a fair-bit of experience, thus when the pandemic slows/ends, a ton of jobs in the media field will be needed again, entry-level or not and you will soon be back: I've seen it with friends, family and their friends/family, as Ontario has gone through the different stages of lockdown. Nothing remains 100% the same forever and you'll be back on track before you know it! ;)

Just keep on creating; when it comes to content, the more you pump out, the more chance it has of being seen/lead to something fruitful :)
Click to expand...
Yeah, it's just that it has been so long now, I think I am beginning to get impatient about having my life going forward. It's been 4 years now that nothing has changed, and I am eager to go to the next stage already... But yeah, once this #@¦@###§¬ of a pandemic is over, I guess there will be more opening in the media side, and then, I'll be ready !

Thanks for your word of support.
 
@Guy-ManAfterAll

I had to smile a little that you apologised for not knowing the proper word in English for "entry level" but used the term "postulated" which I've never even come across before. And I'm from the UK!

I lost my job in February last year and only started working again in October. My wife was on maternity leave and I saw our savings devastated and debt rise to around £10,000. The job I got, though grateful, is a dumb sales role, little to no development, pays far less than my previous roles and bonuses are not realistic.

With that said, things will get better and the world is starting to open up. It's also good you are searching for roles where you'll at least have a passion for. This pandemic has messed a lot of people up and one thing that I've realised is; if you have your health and in the grand scheme of things haven't lost anything significant (house, family friends), this is all just a minor set back you'll bounce back from.
 
Nathanial Essex said:
I had to smile a little that you apologised for not knowing the proper word in English for "entry level" but used the term "postulated" which I've never even come across before. And I'm from the UK!
Click to expand...
Hahaha, i guess it's because in french, when you apply for a job you say "postuler" "je postule" "j'ai postulé", so I used my french vocabulary in my english post lol
Nathanial Essex said:
I lost my job in February last year and only started working again in October. My wife was on maternity leave and I saw our savings devastated and debt rise to around £10,000. The job I got, though grateful, is a dumb sales role, little to no development, pays far less than my previous roles and bonuses are not realistic.

With that said, things will get better and the world is starting to open up. It's also good you are searching for roles where you'll at least have a passion for. This pandemic has messed a lot of people up and one thing that I've realised is; if you have your health and in the grand scheme of things haven't lost anything significant (house, family friends), this is all just a minor set back you'll bounce back from.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry to hear that. I really hope that things will get better for you too when Covid will finally begone !

I think Covid impacted really harshly our lives. I think it's just now that I realized how much it negatively impacted our lives. But yeah, I'm pretty sur that once all of this is gone we'll all get better.
 
I've been meaning to post in this topic for quite some time, but I didn't feel I had enough to say. I think I speak for most of us in that we are in some kind of weird holding pattern.

Since my last message on here, I am happy to say I finally filled in the autism questionnaire (and gave 6 pages of documentation), but I also finally asked my mum and dad for help. It was hard, but I just had to do it. I love my dad, but he's of the old school in that he doesn't really understand mental health and uses anger as a tool. I think I have low level OCD (especially with my car and with the gate; I have to ask my family to help lock the gate behind me when I leave, otherwise I push my finger against the lock until I feel pain to *know* it's done) and at one point my dad said I ought to be locked up for it. That hurt bad. He apologised an hour later and I think we're OK. I know in his heart he means well and I hope that admitting help is not a reflection of their role as parents. I almost cried when he wrote on the form "Benji is sometimes too kind for his own good".

I am certainly different to the rest of my family; I am frightened of conflict and loud noises and that causes issues at time. The other thing i've been doing since lockdown is squirrel away money to move out. I was on the verge of tears when I realised that despite putting 30-40% of my salary away a month for a year on top of 9 years of saving, I'm still not in a position to get a deposit for a house. The thing that makes me angry is that a mortgage is based on your salary which is a pain when I was on a pay freeze for 9 years. I hope to talk to a mortgage advisor soon, but I think the best I can do is get a part-own/part-rent property. I have a friend who is a lawyer who is going to help me, because I am so frightened of being taken advantage of, so hopefully she'll protect me.

I refuse to make do with a cheap house if i'm going to be miserable. I know i'll be lonely living alone and having to fend for myself. I will need to learn how to cook, how to do basic chores and basically - at the age of nearly 36 - try to be a functioning adult. I'm scared and excited at the same time. I worry my minor OCD will make things difficult, but I think a new start will allow me to shed some of my behavioural patterns.

Otherwise, I think i'm doing OK given the circumstances. It's been almost two years since i've seen my girlfriend in person (I still have money set aside to go back to Japan and I haven't touched a single penny from it) and i'm trying my best to keep things going. She called me out of the blue a few weeks ago (at 2:30am in Japan!) and apart from one awkward moment when I told her I was looking to buy a house, it was a lovely conversation. I miss her so much and i'm trying the best I can with the limitations I have. The fact that I still love her after so long apart is proof that I am doing the right thing.

I am so grateful for this community; when I go for a weekly walk with one of my best friends, we often update each other with what's going on in our forums; Shenmue for me, cycling for him. We don't really understand what the other is talking about, but it's nice to hear. I am grateful for all of you opening up and whilst I can't say I understand all of what you're going through (as i'm sure it is you for me), but the fact we have a safe space to chat is truly a good thing.

As for tomorrow, shops will open in the UK which means a) I can finally get a haircut, b) I can resume Japanese studies in the library and c) am one month closer to cinemas opening again. I honestly can't wait.

Stay safe friends <3
 
Last edited:
i lost my right leg last month due to health problems from cancer i had in 2013 but i'm fine i don't care some lose their sight others are in a wheelchair that's why I never complain, there's always worse than me,
everyone will live difficult times multiple time in his life but always have to think of the possitive, I don't like to tell my life but I post this message to give positivity to my shen 'bros. (sorry for my bad english)
 
Kenzo38130 said:
i lost my right leg last month due to health problems from cancer i had in 2013 but i'm fine i don't care some lose their sight others are in a wheelchair that's why I never complain, there's always worse than me,
everyone will live difficult times multiple time in his life but always have to think of the possitive, I don't like to tell my life but I post this message to give positivity to my shen 'bros. (sorry for my bad english)
Click to expand...
Sending you massive love bro <3
 
Lately I've been alright. I'm now around a year or so on some medications that really helped me regain a better sense of perception around me. Sadly mental illness is a common issue in my family genetically. For me, therapy has shown its more behavioral on my end since I grew up around it and thought of those social patterns as a norm. Chemically though I do suffer from other things. That alongside some serious trauma growing up, I am happy to say that I have managed to get my life back together instead of pondering the afterlife every day and wondering if what I am perceiving is even real or not.

The part that sucks though is that I can barely remember fine details from even like 3 years ago let alone when I was a child. Most of it is suppressed. But maybe it is better that way.

Ironically, in the past 4 years, the only memory that I can remember vividly is the Shenmue 3 E3 announcement. Which is kinda poetic in its own way.

But yeah, if medication never became an option for me, I do not know if I'd be here anymore.
Glad to have pulled out of that.
 
I've been trying to make an effort to get back on track a little bit at a time. My main problem is that physically, I'm in a very bad state. Primarily, I don't sleep well at all and most days, especially the weekends, I feel like I'm in a constant fluey state. Now. I'm getting older (soon to be 32), I'm quickly realising little things like my knees feeling weak, chest pains, headaches, deteriorating skin, tooth aches and more. It sounds like something you expect from a 70 year old and that's how I feel most of the time.

Still not exercising but I'm starting to eat a lot less junk and stick to 3 meals a day without snacking on crap. Also, going to see the doctor again about my sleep, fatigue and sinus problems. I've not really done it before as the last few times were of no help and I've felt this way ever since I was around 13 years old and a lot better physically. Maybe I'll get lucky this time round and they find some sort of issue which can be cured.

Also, work is not helping. Set a company record last month (sales) and in a funny way just made me more depressed. I again proved to myself in the workspace but thought back to my last job where I had a very good pay, kicked ass when it came to targets etc. but was essentially managed out because 2 or 3 people higher up didn't like me. Led to being unemployed for 8 months, killed my savings and raised my debt.

Time is going to quick and I just need to make sure I don't get into the lul of surviving day to day and actually puts some goals in that's going to benefit myself.
 
Sounds like things are improving, Nathanial, keep it up!

I know what you mean about the achiness at 32 (I'll be 32 this year as well), but my arm is a bit f'd up; I slept on it (BADLY) in 2015 and thought I was having a heart attack. Went to Emergency and had me checked out etc., turned out that my heart was (and still is, for the most-part) in excellent shape and functioning perfectly. I had some pretty bad damage to my ulnar nerve however, which is on the same path to the heart (up the arm, shoulder and down to the chest area) and between anxiety and the like over the feeling I had in my arm, I thought it was a heart attack lol. It was going on for a while, but that bad night was the tipping point.

Fast forward to February this year, I did it again, only the damage has been even worse; the incident in 2015 healed within 3-4 days, but it's now been 2 months and I still get arm pain after leaning for too long (I lean on my left arm a lot at work, on a pillow, which I started to do when the first incident occurred), pillow or not. I can't sleep on my left side anymore either and sometimes need to use a big, plush pillow on my arm, when sleeping.

It's good to know that it isn't my heart, but the constant soreness is a real PITA and it's not something that can really be fixed without surgery, as I use my arms constantly (of course) and they need to be supported constantly as well.
 
Think I mentioned here I cut my finger quite bad making a cheesecake. My finger looks okay for the most part, slight scar, but the top is still numb. This was almost 2 months ago and I've been told feeling may not come back and if it does will probably takes years. A bloody cheesecake, that's the reason I've lost partial feeling in a finger....
 
Nerves are a funny thing; some grow back fully, some don't. Some come back with feeling, some don't.

Christopher Reeve never improved from his situation, but Droz (former NFLer and Wrestler) went from being a quadriplegic to now being able to move his entire torso, arms and all.

It's why I'll never **** with any medications or anything, that impact the nervous system; if it's life or death, sure, but I'm not playing around with those.

And I'll gladly take any meds that exist, if it'll help my situation, for anything on the planet.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back