Mental Health Dojo

Joined
Dec 1, 2019
I don’t feel so great about turning older these days but today was not bad. Real lazy, lots of Yakuza 7 so that’s good. Kind of odd to have it in such warm weather. At least it got kind of decently cool by sundown - we’ve had a fire pit of sorts going every other day to get rid of some overgrown brush my uncle never took care of, so it’s been nice to stay out late. The highlight though has been hearing from my friend overseas.5BB633B6-B978-45C7-9FA2-A9ECD0D24FA3.jpeg
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A bit worrying about something she told me to do with money but we’re both hoping for better days to come I guess. At least, things don’t seem as bad with covid there.
 
Joined
Aug 3, 2018
Dojo family,

We are here. It has been a wild struggle amidst the pandemic, with the majority of almost ALL moving handled solely by my wife and I.

My pickup went into the shop only a scant few days before we found out our closing was definitive, so I didn't have aceess to it. Thus, we had to shell out twice for a UHaul. That isn't very cheap and it was very tiring.

It is nice to be almost done, but Covid-19 still rears its head in that we're still having to lock down ourselves since cases are spiraling out of control.

It is tough because we need to go out for supplies to work on the home, etc. Every time we do it, we abide the guidelines, but the amount who do not is appalling, thus it is a risk for us. I fear a second lockdown(in our state NC) will be coming in the next couple of weeks.

Our kids are desperate to return to school, my wife wants to rejoin the workforce, etc. I feel that is probably months away until the vaccines are prevalent.

We've made some progress. Stay safe, Dojo.
 

bcdcdude

Dude with tweed :)
Joined
Aug 20, 2018
Location
United Kingdom
Favourite title
Shenmue
Currently playing
Yakuza: Like A Dragon / Shenmue II
PSN
bcdcdude
Steam
bcdcdude
Hi all,

Apologies for the delay in responding. For the most part i've been OK, although there's been a couple of difficult days.

@SliverOfSand - It's comforting to know that i'm not alone in feeling like i'm young and old at the same time. I sometimes think to myself my 'childishness' for lack of a better word is endearing. It's being a mature person, but not losing that sense of 'fun' and 'joy' I find is key. I just want to say that I understand the overwhelming feeling that you get sometimes.

I also think it's absolutely fine to like childish things, because in a sense, there is a pure innocence that I think is needed more than ever these days. It's fine to be cautious and cynical, but if I ever have kids, i'd hate for them to grow up in a cynical world. I'd teach them that not everything is nice, but many things are and that you should cherish them while you can. I see so many unhappy and angry people and whilst I get those emotions from time to time, i'm grateful that they don't define me.

@Truck_1_0_1_ - Sadly, I haven't completed the questionnaire yet, but I keep thinking about it! I keep meaning to e-mail the doctors to ask for some clarity in a few things, but work keeps getting in the way. I have a day off and the house to myself tomorrow, so it might be a good opportunity to nip it in the bud. I agree that learning these things will help me, I just want to be in a position that when I hear things that upset me, that I am strong enough to endure it. I sometimes try to think about how others would do it; how would Ryo deal with it for example (maybe not the best example haha!)

@blixt - I class myself as a late developer and in arrested development; like a huge chunk of my life was wasted, but in the last few years, I had some kind of epiphany and want to make the most of every day of my life! I think asking for help is the first step and the will to continue. Sometimes the will isn't there, but other days it's so strong.

I completely agree re: keeping up with the Jones'; I admit that sometimes I feel like I ought to be like other people, but if I did that, I would be so unhappy. I'm comfortable with myself (for the most part) and luckily many other people accept me for who I am. I think i'm unreasonable in that I want everyone to like me, but have since decided that if someone doesn't like me, then I ignore them (as best I can).

Yes - there's a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I think I need my own space, but it's lovely to think that people are around if I need them. I am not good at sharing my time with other people unless we're on the same wavelength.

I must admit my diet is pretty poor. I wouldn't say I had an eating disorder, but I still struggle with vegetables and the like. However, when the will is there, I love walking and cycling and when I feel really inspired, i'll hit the gym. I haven't done it for a while, but when I get there - as long as I *start*, then the hard part is over. During lockdown, I used to do push ups for every album I listened to whilst working, but I haven't done that for a while. At the very least, i'll do a half hour walk every day whatever the weather.

So as for today, I have a small favour to ask. During my therapy session today, I was asked to create a survey for people to answer about things that I need help for (the questions are all mine and relate to things I need support for). My therapist has shared it among her group and when she asked if I could pass it on to anyone, I thought of you guys. It's a relatively short questionnaire and if you have a couple of minutes spare to answer it, it would help me so much in time for my next session in a week. Although I don't know any of you on a personal level, the fact that i'm able to open my heart to a group of like minded strangers if precious to me, so I thank you in advance :) The link is here.

Finally, today I learned that we are going into tier 2 once we get out of lockdown in England. Whilst i'm sad it means pubs are still closed (goodbye Christmas Eve traditions), the fact that my local cinema is now open makes me so happy <3
 

Truck_1_0_1_

I Don't Know, but I Have You!
Joined
Aug 5, 2018
Location
Barrie, Ontario, Canada
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Tokyo Xtreme Racer 2 (perfect Subaru run).
PSN
Truck_1_0_1_
Steam
Truck_1_0_1_
Answered the survey ;)

BTW, BCD, it's not much right now (and it may never be), but if you want any tips for cooking for different foods to eat, head over to the Dojo Cooking Thread :D
 

bcdcdude

Dude with tweed :)
Joined
Aug 20, 2018
Location
United Kingdom
Favourite title
Shenmue
Currently playing
Yakuza: Like A Dragon / Shenmue II
PSN
bcdcdude
Steam
bcdcdude
Answered the survey ;)

BTW, BCD, it's not much right now (and it may never be), but if you want any tips for cooking for different foods to eat, head over to the Dojo Cooking Thread :D
Thank you so much :) And sure, i'll check it out! Another anxiety I have is eating and cooking in front of people, but that's a different story. With regards to food, I am eating *so* much more different foods compared to a decade ago. The breakthrough was when I decided to break foods down. If I reasoned that I could be comfortable with - say - 80% of the ingredients, then i'm liable to enjoy it. Despite my hatred of tomato's, I realised that it is in a million different foods.

Whilst there are some major no-no's (sloppy foods like spaghetti) and tomato sauce (which makes me physically sick), I can now have pizzas and curries. I love spicy foods and the benefit of not having it growing up means I can now have a vindaloo and still have my taste buds in my 30's ;)
 

SliverOfSand

I see...
Joined
Nov 20, 2018
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Balan Wonderworld, Ace Attorney Trilogy
Appreciate the reply @bcdcdude ! I agree, maybe more people need to learn to embrace ‘childish‘ things... I know for myself that I feel a lot better watching something that doesn’t remind me of all the stress we deal with (like the news)😅 Also, I hope your assessment goes well!
 
Joined
Jun 15, 2019
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Sakuna: Of Rice and Ruin
Despite my hatred of tomato's
:O

(Sidenote: where have all the emojis gone? I'm not good at making them myself. That one up there is supposed to be a flabbergasted emoji).
 
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red

Joined
Jul 28, 2018
my sleep pattern has gotten messed up and some nights i'm not sleeping much, this has resulted in my anxiety going crazy. i'm dwelling on things and not feeling great.. i'm hoping if i correct my sleep pattern (with sleeping tablets), i'll feel better and stop negative thinking.

does anyone ever have this type of problem? if so, any advice would be helpful. thanks
 
Joined
Dec 1, 2019
I can relate to poor sleep but I don’t know whether it’s causing me anxiety or if it’s the other way around honestly. It can be hard to say what is the cause and what are the symptoms.

I spent approximately 8 hours Friday night going through jobs on indeed just to get a whole bunch down(something like 65). Wasn’t expecting much, especially after a seemingly fitting job as a housekeeper at a drug rehab told me the day before that they enjoyed meeting me but it would be a few weeks before I heard back and that there were many qualified applicants.

So Friday night I got a couple texts, one for a donut place interview on Sunday morning and another for a private security company this afternoon. Woke up this morning for a text from a cleaning company that asked if they could do a phone interview a bit before that. Tight schedule but just enough time.

I was most nervous about the security thing, knowing I’ve never done anything like it but wanting to keep my options open. I went in expecting to get turned away with no guard card or driver’s license but an hour and a half later I left with a uniform and being told I pretty much had the job.

Any other place I’d be cautious but thrilled, but here it feels he was desperate to have anyone at all and just kinda pushed me into doing all the paperwork without hardly asking questions and seeming to have read my initial application to begin with. So I’m really nervous about how it will all work out - said they’d help me get a guard card and that it would cost something like $80 which I don’t have to spend on me, and told me I’d be trained, but didn’t go into much detail about any of it so I have no idea what to really expect, especially with talk of getting contracts with different places and stores and not knowing whether I’ll be traveling to multiple places in one shift or not or how breaks will work or whether I’ll be with anyone most of the time. I guess ill
 

Truck_1_0_1_

I Don't Know, but I Have You!
Joined
Aug 5, 2018
Location
Barrie, Ontario, Canada
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Tokyo Xtreme Racer 2 (perfect Subaru run).
PSN
Truck_1_0_1_
Steam
Truck_1_0_1_
Good to know! A new job is always full of mystery, but it's also what you make of it; put your best foot forward and go in with an open mind and who knows what could happen? Hope it's successful for you and that you find it worthwhile :)

As for the sleep, I almost always fall asleep within 5 minutes of hitting the pillow, but I did have an issue last night as well; took me about 30 minutes to fall asleep, however I did go to bed about 45 minutes earlier than normal and it was a busy day.

So many factors go into sleep patterns; it's why it's a heavy study topic even to this day,
 
Joined
Dec 1, 2019
Thanks Truck. I may report back in a few days lol.
I guess the helpful thing for my sleep lately is my brain still being stuck in my old time zone. 9:00 feels like 11:00 at night. But then I get up at like 4-5:00 am for the day too.
 

Truck_1_0_1_

I Don't Know, but I Have You!
Joined
Aug 5, 2018
Location
Barrie, Ontario, Canada
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Tokyo Xtreme Racer 2 (perfect Subaru run).
PSN
Truck_1_0_1_
Steam
Truck_1_0_1_
What I do when travelling to different time zones (a few hours is nothing; I'm talking NA to Japan or Europe), is I bite the bullet and stay up until the nighttime of the place I'm in; then I sleep like a baby and for a long time too, due to being up a few extra hours (it's difficult, but since I've only been in that situation 6 times in my life, I can manage :)).

When I went to Japan from Calgary, I was up for... 27 hours straight and my most-recent trip to Italy (going there, from Toronto), I was up for... 30 hours straight.

First Rugby tour to the UK (from Toronto to Heathrow and back), I was up for 36 hours straight, went to bed at 7:00 pm EST and woke up at 8:30ish am the next day (Sunday).

I was SUPER refreshed lol

It sadly isn't too useful if the timezone you're in is only 1-3 hours behind though...
 
Joined
Jul 28, 2018
Location
London
my sleep pattern has gotten messed up and some nights i'm not sleeping much, this has resulted in my anxiety going crazy. i'm dwelling on things and not feeling great.. i'm hoping if i correct my sleep pattern (with sleeping tablets), i'll feel better and stop negative thinking.

does anyone ever have this type of problem? if so, any advice would be helpful. thanks
Sleep has been my main challenge for as long as I can remember. Never slept well and feeling fatigued all the time is probably the root of all my problems. The other day it caught up with me so bad that I physically felt sick; pounding headache, flu like nausea, weak legs and feeling like I was drifting off but never falling asleep.

I'm sure if I lost weight that may help but I've been like this since I was 13 or so and I was much slimmer then.

That day I stuck the kids with the wife and slept by myself. Went to bed at 21:30 and took a couple Nytol pills. Next day I felt much better, though still my normal fatigued self.
 
Joined
Dec 1, 2019
Thought I should say, the whole security job seemed too risky to me and I heard others even had a hard time getting paid and had to badger the people at the office for their checks and that they wouldn’t go through. So I decided to go in the next day and hand the uniform back.

Lucky, I guess? I got an opportunity at some donut place. Not my first choice and kinda disorganized but I’ll take it generally feeling safe and in the same location and reputable business for just around a dollar less in pay. So far it seems like full time hours but it remains to be seen whether it’s official and I’ll get full time benefits. Today being my first actual day didn’t go too bad, though it was definitely different. Not running around so much cleaning bathrooms and spills(and definitely no snow to shovel here), but there being basically zero break policy meant I only got about 15 minutes to sit down after almost 7 hours straight on a sort of production line. Seems crazy when New Hampshire mandated at least a unpaid half hour on 7+ hour shifts, aside from two paid shorter ones jobs usually offered.

Even so, I hope I can handle it. Just need to stretch more at home I guess and lose some weight. I slept awful last which could be a part of it. Hoping tonight I’ll be exhausted enough to feel energized at like 3:30am
 

Sergeynest

Keep your Mind as clear as a Polished Mirror.
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Location
Portugal
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Zelda Breath of the Wild
Came across this video from youtuber Connor Shaw about how video games can be an alternative way of therapy to help with depression, anxiety, stress, etc... The Shenmue series is among the list of games he suggests that can help with these symptoms. Check it out it is well worth watching.

 

Hiki

その者、東の遠つ国より 海を渡りて現れり
Joined
Oct 27, 2019
Location
Brazil
Favourite title
Shenmue
Currently playing
Phantasy Star Online 2 (PC)
Lately i feel that my depression and anxiety has worsened, i can relate to what Jibby wrote.

Everywhere i look there is pain and sadness with myself, with my family, with my few friends and other people too. People dying, people unhappy with their lives, people losing their jobs, people struggling to pay the bills and much more, we are living in a really painful time now, the world is in a really painful time now. 😢

My mother died in 2017, my grandfather died in 2018, now one important person for me is sick. My grandmother fell two times yesterday and one time today, my father have a lot of physical pain, he is 72 years old, my sister lives in another country and i can't see her, i have this fear of losing more people in my life.

What helps me is playing games, enter here on the Dojo, listening to music, doing my videos and much more but sometimes i don't even want to do the things that i love, sometimes i don't even have the energy to do the things that i love.

Lately the nostalgia is hitting me really hard, i think a lot about the old days, a time when my mother was here with me, a time when i had some few friends near me and much more, simpler times...

I still have dreams in my life, i still want to realize my dreams, but this time that the world is in right now is really painful.

Trough the years i learned a lot, i know now exatcly what i want in my life and what i dont want.

I don't know... I just feel that we're living in a time of a lot of pain and suffering, this affects me a lot.
 
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Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Location
Sydney Australia
PSN
danmann861
Steam
danielmann861
About a week or so ago, I deactivated my Facebook and swallowed a shit ton of pills while drinking grog. I had a plan to end it.
After feeling groggy and regretful, I forced myself to throw up in regret and was rushed to hospital by my parents and put under suicide watch.

I was in hospital until Wednesday last week when they finally released me for home care convinced I wasn't going to harm myself. I've been in and out of group therapy. Every three hours they call my phone to make sure I'm not thinking about ending it again. My parents were a wreck. They've known that I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, but they've never seen me attempt before.

I don't know who I am anymore. I just feel so empty and I have felt so empty all year. More so than ever before. I feel I'm not worthy of anyone's respect. I feel I'm not worthy of being loved. I feel so much self hatred that I project it unto everyone else thinking if I hate me, then they all must hate me too, right? I feel just completely empty. Like I have no reason to go on. I can't find reason and just feel I'm drifting day in and day out. I hate myself more than ever before. I tell them over the phone that I'm not thinking that way. And it's true. It's why I forced myself to throw up the pills. I'm scared of death, but I hate the fact that I'm running on empty and just can't find any reason to get out of bed anymore.

I just reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take my brain chastising me. There are days where I'm struggling to find reason to get out of bed. I feel like I have no interest in anything anymore and the one last lifeline I had being Japanese ended and now I'm left with nothing. I have no idea how to make a career out of it, I don't have a degree so goodbye chances of living over there, not to mention the world is fucked! I fear I'm forever gonna be stuck in a dead end job that I hate living a meaningless pointless life where I just go to work, make money and come home and be faced with the reality that there is nothing. No hope, just a meaningless existence filling time to the day I die.

In the past, I've always had something to cling to in hope that things would get better. This year? I can't find anything. I feel completely and utterly empty and just trapped in my own mind with my mind beating the hell out of me for being less than everyone else. My friends are married with kids. I'm the last single guy with no direction in his life. They say they still love me and want me in their life, but my brain can not accept it. My brain just keeps telling "you know that's bullshit, you know they're just being nice, you know they're just saying what you want to hear...but deep down, they know they've moved on just as well as you do." I don't trust people at face value anymore. I just feel like no one wants to say the truth and I'm trapped with my mind telling me the harsh truth no one wants to say...other days I think that's crazy and I can't know what people really think...I don't know anymore.

Any talent I have can't be applied to a job would maybe make me happy. I feel like I'm just rotting and my brain grows more hateful of myself with every passing day. Everyone else has a reason for being and I can't find one single reason for me to be here anymore. But I'm too scared of death to actually do it and put me out of my misery. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't like thinking this way, but I can't escape it. I can't get myself out of this hole.

Everytime they call, I tell them I'm not planning on killing myself. But how do you tell them you're running on empty and am struggling to find any reason to keep going?

I'm not at that state of mind right now as I write this, far from it, but the self loathing is still here and present and I don't know how to turn off that voice inside that will not give myself a break. I just feel so damn empty and feel like I have nothing left to give and nothing earned.
 
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Truck_1_0_1_

I Don't Know, but I Have You!
Joined
Aug 5, 2018
Location
Barrie, Ontario, Canada
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Tokyo Xtreme Racer 2 (perfect Subaru run).
PSN
Truck_1_0_1_
Steam
Truck_1_0_1_
Trust me man, even if it's a small consolation or anything of that nature, I think I speak for all of us here at the Dojo and say that we DO value you and we DO want you to be at your best and enjoy your conversation; these aren't empty words either; I LOVE having someone to talk to about the RGG series, because not a single person I know actually goes through the trouble of importing and platinuming these games (and that's a small fraction of what you contribute to the community).

But you have a deep insight into things that few have; just look at your perspectives on 'mue III, when you wrote your thoughts on it: you have a great understanding of games, narratives, just texts in general and you know your shit as well (IE; you don't just have the ability, you have the knowledge to back it up as well).

As to your question,
But how do you tell them you're running on empty and am struggling to find any reason to keep going?
TELL THEM!!! Be transparent and forthcoming! I know it's difficult (IE: you're not withholding it purposely, to piss people off or to, "keep secrets, otherwise people will badmouth you," like my pussy Father-in-Law does. Ass.), but talking about things and letting out emotions/thoughts/feelings IS a good thing. I tell my wife every day that she can talk to me about anything she wants, but she refuses to talk to me about certain things and then internalizes it until it is resolved (which can be months/years or never). And then she wonders why she has anxiety, when her peers and others don't...

Perhaps a therapist can assist with talking about things and mending your mental health? It's worth a shot, but of course, you'd have to be comfortable with it. But yes, if you feel the need to shout to the world about something that is getting you down, shout it to the world! Talk about things, communicate; you never know, things just may look up from there. :)
 

spud1897

Administrator
Joined
Jul 24, 2018
Location
England
Favourite title
Shenmue II
Currently playing
Destiny 2, Shenmue HD ;)
PSN
spud19870
About a week or so ago, I deactivated my Facebook and swallowed a shit ton of pills while drinking grog. I had a plan to end it.
After feeling groggy and regretful, I forced myself to throw up in regret and was rushed to hospital by my parents and put under suicide watch.

I was in hospital until Wednesday last week when they finally released me for home care convinced I wasn't going to harm myself. I've been in and out of group therapy. Every three hours they call my phone to make sure I'm not thinking about ending it again. My parents were a wreck. They've known that I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, but they've never seen me attempt before.

I don't know who I am anymore. I just feel so empty and I have felt so empty all year. More so than ever before. I feel I'm not worthy of anyone's respect. I feel I'm not worthy of being loved. I feel so much self hatred that I project it unto everyone else thinking if I hate me, then they all must hate me too, right? I feel just completely empty. Like I have no reason to go on. I can't find reason and just feel I'm drifting day in and day out. I hate myself more than ever before. I tell them over the phone that I'm not thinking that way. And it's true. It's why I forced myself to throw up the pills. I'm scared of death, but I hate the fact that I'm running on empty and just can't find any reason to get out of bed anymore.

I just reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take my brain chastising me. There are days where I'm struggling to find reason to get out of bed. I feel like I have no interest in anything anymore and the one last lifeline I had being Japanese ended and now I'm left with nothing. I have no idea how to make a career out of it, I don't have a degree so goodbye chances of living over there, not to mention the world is fucked! I fear I'm forever gonna be stuck in a dead end job that I hate living a meaningless pointless life where I just go to work, make money and come home and be faced with the reality that there is nothing. No hope, just a meaningless existence filling time to the day I die.

In the past, I've always had something to cling to in hope that things would get better. This year? I can't find anything. I feel completely and utterly empty and just trapped in my own mind with my mind beating the hell out of me for being less than everyone else. My friends are married with kids. I'm the last single guy with no direction in his life. They say they still love me and want me in their life, but my brain can not accept it. My brain just keeps telling "you know that's bullshit, you know they're just being nice, you know they're just saying what you want to hear...but deep down, they know they've moved on just as well as you do." I don't trust people at face value anymore. I just feel like no one wants to say the truth and I'm trapped with my mind telling me the harsh truth no one wants to say...other days I think that's crazy and I can't know what people really think...I don't know anymore.

Any talent I have can't be applied to a job would maybe make me happy. I feel like I'm just rotting and my brain grows more hateful of myself with every passing day. Everyone else has a reason for being and I can't find one single reason for me to be here anymore. But I'm too scared of death to actually do it and put me out of my misery. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't like thinking this way, but I can't escape it. I can't get myself out of this hole.

Everytime they call, I tell them I'm not planning on killing myself. But how do you tell them you're running on empty and am struggling to find any reason to keep going?

I'm not at that state of mind right now as I write this, far from it, but the self loathing is still here and present and I don't know how to turn off that voice inside that will not give myself a break. I just feel so damn empty and feel like I have nothing left to give and nothing earned.
I've just seen this and even if this is a small thing it still stands strong here. Your discussion, well thought out points and level headedness are an asset to not only this place but the wider Shenmue community (I see your posts elsewhere). Everything is well considered, thought out and comes from a place of understanding & wanting to further that understanding. It is a great quality and one this place cherishes greatly.

If you're running on empty then, IMO, you should tell whoever needs telling about this. Be it a therapist, doctor, friend, whoever you need to. One of the worst things you can do and we're all guilty of it is to not say anything, especially us males who can be too proud to at times. Of course you have to be comfortable with whatever you decide to do but it could be the first step in a journey that changes things for the better.

The rest is stuff that comes later, your own health has to come first in all of this. You were doing a great jobs with your streaming so maybe that could be an asset? You're always active in our streams and come in with a great insight. Whatever you choose to do I have zero doubt that you will emerge from this stronger.

My DM's are open to anyone around this subject, even if it's just to vent stuff out. Let's look after each other folks.
 
Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Location
Sydney Australia
PSN
danmann861
Steam
danielmann861
Thanks @Truck_1_0_1_ and @spud1897

I have been in therapy. Both private and group in and out for the last week or so. It's helping a little. Like I said, I'm not at that place right now as we speak, but I don't know...it was a moment of "there's no way out of this hole and I just want this to end and I want it to end now"

But that general fear of death stopped me. I am talking to a therapist though and am getting help for it.
 
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